Criticism / Rejection

[TheHermit]

So, I have no idea why I hate/can't handle criticism so much. If I have BPD or AvPD, etc. but, anyhow... I just realized this several years ago; that this is a major issue with me. Perhaps my biggest issue. The biggest one that keeps me from being social.

I just had some realization - like my inner voice was rationalizing that perhaps I should just stop seeing criticism as an attack. Or, rather, to stop seeing it as a sign of rejection. And, above all, to stop looking for these signs.

It has just become clear to me that what I seem to be doing is maintaining a hyper-vigilance towards signs of rejection - these "signs" likely being any criticisms - and then I do a sort of mental deduction that says, "This person has just criticized me, so they obviously don't like me."

Then I suppose I can reject them... Oh, wait, that explains it... I then wondered why do I feel the need to have such advanced warning that someone does not like me - which manifests in me being hyper-vigilant - looking for the signs of rejection. Perhaps it is (something I have often heard) so that I can reject them before they reject me.

Right now it seems illogical to need an advanced warning.

Anyhow, my inner voice suggested that a good solution might be to only believe that people don't like me if they actually say so. Or at least closer to it than a simple criticism.

I guess i'm still struggling with this idea, or I am correct, because I still want to believe that people are criticizing me merely to be hurtful. I think I still truly believe that. Why would someone say stupid, hateful, hurtful things otherwise?

I always try to be cognizant of the feelings of others and never say the stupid things that I have heard from others. I mean, for instance people make fun of someone for being bald. I see no reason to do that unless you hate that person. It's not like someone can stop being bald, so why criticize them for it?

Of course, a lot has to do with how you take things and how you react to them too. You can get mad or be indifferent or you can laugh at yourself too, I guess.

Well, that was quite discombobulated but maybe it makes sense.

Does anyone have any experience or advice on this matter?

Then again, maybe this is all bullshit and i'm really looking for reasons that I don't like "them". I mean, what kind of person criticizes people's baldness, or weight, or looks, etc. right to their face? And do I really want to associate with someone like that. Certainly not. But it seems to me that most people will do this at some point, and this explains my well-established misanthropy.

 

[Acorn2Oak]

Hi TheHermit.

I can relate to your hypervigilance ... and especially about "I always try to be cognizant of the feelings of others and never say the stupid things that I have heard from others."

These days I wouldn't say I'm as hypervigilant as I used to be about criticism but I still notice and it still affects me. On the one hand, not all criticism is an attack or because they don't like you. It could be just insensitivity, they're having a bad day, feeling insecure, etc. On the other, it can be hard not to interpret it harshly given my history.

But then, there's constructive criticism and just plain being critical. To me, someone being critical of me (or you) is really about them, their issues, etc. I tend to not hang out with people like that. And for the record, in my experience, not all people are like that. If I'm forced by circumstances, work or whatever, to interact with them, I try to keep in mind that they're revealing more "bad" about themselves than they're saying about me. My feelings may still get hurt, but it's not as intense and doesn't last as long because I've already "demoted" them in my mind so their comments don't mean as much. If it's someone closer to me (my SO for instance), I have a particularly hard time with that. Still dealing with those issues. Plan to bring it up with my EMDR T tomorrow, in fact.

I also feel there is a big difference between someone not liking something about me and not like me, the person. Perfectionism says all or nothing. The real world isn't like that. Someone not liking "baldness" or whatever is minor. In my case, I don't care if someone doesn't like my potbelly. That isn't me nor does it necessarily represent me, at least not the whole me, any more than baldness, etc., does. In fact, if someone likes me regardless, I tend to consider that a more authentic type of person.

Of course, though perhaps shallow or petty and I surely wouldn't tell them, I claim the "right" to not like physical aspects of others as well ... personal preference ... so they have that "right" too as it applies to me. However, that won't necessarily keep me from being friends with someone because that characteristic I don't like doesn't represent them either, at least in my mind. If they reject me completely based on one facet of my appearance, it's their loss and they did me the favor of sparing me having to deal with their petty attitudes. I've lost nothing but the hassle of dealing with them. Those who can really see me, the real me, appreciate me and I appreciate them. Those who can't ... oh well. I don't need them.

Hope this helps!

 

[TheHermit]

Hey, Acorn. Thanks for the reply. Clever name, btw.

Yeah, I suppose I was conflating constructive criticism with criticism that only seems to serve as a personal attack - as I have also conflated these in real life too often.

Years ago I had a job where I was basically verbally abused every day and it taught me a lot about this subject too. I mean, I learned a lot but I still am not immune to it.

They picked on me for going bald a lot too, among other things. At one point one of them said, don't pick on his baldness he gets touchy about. And I said, "I just don't see the point in picking on someone about something that they cannot change."

I consider the purpose of picking on people about certain aspects to be like a form of social pressure. If you don't like an aspect of someone, you pick on them and they are likely to change that aspect in order to fit in. Baldness can't be changed in this way.

Of course, some of the blame is on me for actually being sensitive to the fact that I was going bald. That was when I still tried to actually have hair. lol Now I shave my head real close and like it this way, and don't care anymore. I should have shaved it years ago, in fact.

And, as you say, I learned that the way they picked on me said more about them than it did about me. I mean, if someone is constantly making fun of you, you must be pretty important to them, since they obviously can't stop thinking about you. I certainly don't think about them all the time.

Before I finally quit that job, I decided that they were the one who really had an issue and apparently felt jealous and/or threatened by me.

I also spent a good deal of time ruminating over constructive criticism and how I handle it and try to not be so sensitive to it.

One big step for me was one day when I truly learned to take responsibility for my mistakes and not try to appear so "perfect." I had to work on the boss' car and I accidentally broke something. I knew I would get criticized - and even worse if I tried to cover it up or something. It was at that moment that I learned to just own up to my mistake. So, I called the boss over and just told him. He was a bit disappointed that I had broken something but he just asked how it happened and I explained how I accidentally broke it and that was pretty much it. (Of course, it cost him $85. lol)

I have made a couple of catastrophic mistakes on the job in my teenage years and the embarrassment only added to my need to appear perfect going forward.


Then... there are some people who are just plain assholes. My grandfather is one. My air conditioner in my house broke and I was waiting for the A/C guy to come fix it, so I went to my grandfather's house yesterday. I was complaining about how hot it was in my house. (like 85F) And he said, "Well, you shouldn't be so fat and you wouldn't be so hot." Like wtf?! What kind of asshole says shit like that? My grandfather does, all the time. He has no filter between his brain and his mouth, I like to say. I just overlooked him and said, "Yeah, i'll probably lose 10 pounds from sweating." And then I remembered exactly why I stopped going to family gatherings at his house...

Lastly, you mention perfectionism and alluded to black and white thinking... I definitely have both and try to overcome them as well.

The black and white thinking is probably the hardest.

But some good things that helped me with perfectionism is the Voltaire quote, "Perfect is the enemy of Good." and the Pareto Principle aka the 80/20 rule which states that it takes 20% of the time to do 80% of the work and 80% of the time to do the remaining 20% of the work. After discovering these concepts, I realized that perfectionism is, ironically a personality flaw. Which puts the perfectionist in quite the conundrum since the purpose of his perfectionism is to eliminate personality flaws. In his attempt, he has actually created a huge one.

So I coined my own phrase that goes something like, "If perfectionism is an aspect of your personality then your personality is, ironically, less than perfect."

I assume people recognize that I/us/we are sensitive to criticism (As a result of being perfectionists and/or for other reasons.) and this entices them to criticize. Like a troll poking someone with a stick.

Take Care!