crisis

crisis
M

muffin

Registrant
Sorry guys, but this really is a crisis. I'm Jewish, so I fasted for Yom Kippur, and then all this stuff hit me. My mother molested me for three years when I was 13-16. I love my Dad very much, even though he was occasionally violent. Anyway, we had a baby last summer. My parents came in January and my mother several times threatened the safeety of my child. My wife was shocked (despite everything I told her). We have since banned them (really, my mom) from access to the boy, and therefore of course lost all contact with them. I was doing alright for a while, but over the past few months I've been increasingly distracting myself from the pain of all this by drinking and by constantly surfing the web, tv, etc. So for Yom Kippur I stopped all that for 24 hours, and it totally hit me. At first I thought I could handle it, but now I'm falling apart. I'm seriously considering checking myself into a mental hospital. Ifeel like I'm having a breakdown. Today, at work, I did not show up for one of my classes. Also, I scheduled a special event, for which many people showed up, and I did not show up for that either. I'm not extremely worried about these things. I can say a white lie, like I've been overwhelmed, and I'm sorry. but my behavior is a danger sign. I don't want to screw up my job. I'm not well. I'm feeling extremely upset right now. Not violent, but not well at all. All the pain that I've been drinking away has come and hit me like a sledghammer. I don't know how I'm going to get through the night. or if I can sleep. I cried in the car. I don't know what to do. I need help.
 
I am not sure how to be of help except to say that the get through the night it may be a second at a time. These moments can be so overwhelming that they seem worse than death. But they do pass even though it may not seem like it at the moment.

It seems like you cannot turn to your wife. If that is the case, I am sorry. Maybe there is someone in chat who can help. You did the right thing by protecting your son. I am sorry it causes you so much pain though. Shalom.
 
thanks. I have turned to my wife, actually, she's been helpful but I can only take so much support from her. I'm trying to reach out in any way I can. I paged my t and have an appointment for 8 am tomorrow. I don't know if I will sleep at all. I'm really nervous about whether I can keep myself together. I feel like I'm falling apart , and I can't take a sick day from wrok. It's too conspicuous. And I feel it would cause things to snowball. My wife has been helpful but I still feel like I'm spinning. I'm trying to manage myeslf physically, not do much.
 
I do not know if you noticed but you are managing to deal with it, however shaky in may feel. And you are reaching out to find help which is good and I hope is calming you down a bit. I all you can do is go through this, you sound like a fighter and strong enough for it. You may not believe it though. I will be around for a wile if this is helping or we can try chat.
Hang on!
 
all I can do is get drunk and hope I fall asleep. I have a series of public appearances tomorrow. I feel very alone, although I really appreciate your help.
 
I just caught this message and want to send my support to you. I hope that you aren't drinking. Getting through the night can be the worst, especially during Holy Days when your emotions are high. You're in my thoughts tonight.
NathanM
 
thank you! I just thought since I was being all spiritual for Yom Kippur, I should really face this stuff, and at first I thought that it was a really wise decision, but now it feels like a freight train. I'm really terrified of fucking up my job. Today I really crumbled and that's not like me. I'm appearing on a f**king tv show tomorrow. PArt of me thinks I can hold it together, but it pretty overwhelming.
 
I think that it was a wise decision even if its hard. I'm Christian and go through this during Easter time, especially if I've really fasted during Lent. But going through it is necessary. I often have your experience of having to "perform" on cue even when the world seems to be falling apart. You'll do fine tomorrow, I can tell by the strength in your writing. And there will be people sending their thoughts and prayers your way tomorrow.
 
A very good friend here told me that I must have faith that there is another side the the misery. There is an end to it. I know that you may not believe that right now, but I promise you it is true.

But even before the end, there are breaks. They may be short, sometimes only a moment. But if you let them, they serve as a reminder. They speak to life itself.

I know how much it can hurt... like you are being squeezed... like it is closing in around you and you cannot fend it off. But there is a simple phrase that I say a million times on a night like this, and it has never ever failed me:

This too shall pass.
 
I'm trying to knock myself out with sleep aid and alcohol (don't worry, not above the dosage). I just can't believe my mother tried to hurt my baby boy. I think I've been so rational for months, just telling my wife that this is what we need to do, that I can still contibut e to the household chores, etc. But it just fucking rips me apart to think of it. I guess I just never actually allowed myself to feel all this shit -- that I will never see my original family again, because I cannot expose my child to what I suffered. The decision is easy, but it just rips me apart emotionally. I am really grateful fro your words. I'm trying to re-read them over and over. It helps. Bottom line is that my mom knows that I am aware of her problems so she wanted to punish me by hurting our baby. At first, I was the warrior, saying, ok she hurt me sexually, now I won't let her hurt him, and I felt all heroic and everything. Now, the decision was right, but I just suddenly feel the pain. like a knife. I'll try to go to sleep . thank hyou.
 
no words of wisdom can stem the tide of the storm when it rages so high and wide, except for the gentle embrace of those who stand with you to face it assuring that you do not stand alone. i walked into a sacred place once three years ago in the depth of my pain and came away once more with the hope i could not see previously because i knew once more that i was not alone. we stand with you, as do your wife and your blessed son. we all stand together to face the storm that no longer has its ferocity when one stands alone. take care, and know that in your heart, my friend.
 
Muffin,

I read your first post and I wanted to reach out and hug you. I hope you have been able to ride out the worst of it, and are finding ways to cope.

Alcohol is a mixed blessing. It kills some of the pain, but can bring on more than you're ready to deal with. I will not lecture you (I have tried to kill the pain this way) but believe me, alcohol and drugs are not the way to deal with it long-term (and I have doubts about it short-term).

I can't really give you any advice, since most of my abuse was repressed until recently. What I can tell you is that you are stronger than you know. I know how hollow (sp?) that sounds, but you survived your abuse. That was an incredible achievement. I am so sorry you were abused by someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally. It must be so hard. I'm praying for you and want you to know that I care, with no strings attached.

You did the right thing to protect your child, though I'm sorry it may be costing him the presence of his grandfather (but he sounds like he still has some work to do himself, no offense). Please don't feel guilty about that. I wish someone at my school cared enough to look into my situation and protected me.

Please keep letting us know how you're doing. We care about you.

I love you, my brother. I care.

Peace,

Scot
 
Muffin
you seem to be doing all the right things, you've recognised the signs and asked for help.

It takes a brave and special person to that.

Take all the support you need from wherever you can find it.

Dave
 
Just wanted to tell you Im sorry for you pain. And give you a cyber hug so (((((((((((hugs)))))))))) remember your not alone. You sould as if you have a great wife and now you have each and every one of us to help you. Please dont give up.
James
 
It takes a brave man to make the tough decisions, and it sounds like you are not lacking in courage. Having to turn your back on your Mom must be a very hard thing to do, but necessary. Is it possible for you to get help for your Mom and still ensure the safety of your son? Peace, Andrew
 
Hey guys. wow. That was a really tough night. Thank god, my T agreed to meet me at 8 am this morning. I sobbed for pretty much the whole hour, and I rarely cry. I got through the day, somehow. I'm deeply grateful for all of your care and support. I can't tell you how much it means to me. I'm not out of the woods, I know that. But I'm not going to drink tonight. And I didn't screw up my life today, either. I'm going to try to take it one step at a time, and not neglect this shit for so long again, so that it bites me so hard when I finally turn to look at it. Sadly, my mom rejects all "help". Your kindness and compassion, guys, means a lot to me. I will not forget your words. thank you from the bottom of my heart.
 
I can relate some, to the drinking. It seems only time I have felt 'okay' since all this come up at me is if I am drinking. But really, it is not at all answer of anything. Because, it dulls things for while, and then makes it all come back, in multiplied I think. I know how it is, to not deal of it for long time, and for it all to hit at once, is horrible feeling. But, it is necessary to take it one hour, one minute at a time sometime. It can be done, as exhausting as it is. It is possible. Please know that I will be wishing you well, and hoping you have good luck and strength in dealing of all this. Please take good care of yourself if you can.

leosha
 
muffin,

Your trail of messages made me cry. They made me cry because of how much of myself I felt in you. How much your words helped describe how I was feeling. You are not alone in the way you feel. You are not alone.

I feel like I should be checked into a mental institution, because I just don't know how to deal with the anxiety, the stress, having to hold together an "image" in my professional life, not having understanding.

I did drink, but not very much. I've done drugs, quite a bit on some occassions. Anything to mask the feelings. Anything to just escape my own existence. I don't like me, and this is going to change that for the time being.

But how you described how you were feeling, has helped me so much. Because I can look at you, and say... My god, this was not his fault, no wonder he feels how he feels. No wonder he's struggling. He was robbed.

And I can reflect that back on myself, even if it is for a short time. I'd like to keep in touch with you muffin. I think you could be very helpful to me, and possibly me to you.

I have a 1 and a half old baby girl. And I found that my abuse issues just totally got out of control after she came. It's as if I have no where to hide them now. I love her so much, as I know you do your son.

I was not abused by my mother, but by an athletic coach.

But I see comparisons, because you are trying to protect your child from the harm you felt. And because that harm came from your mother, you want to protect your child from her. I felt the same way, except that the person I want to protect her from is me. Because I'm petrified of hurting her, because I've been damaged... I'm so afraid of that muffin. I know my wife is afraid of it too. She doesn't say, but I know she doesn't totally understand. It's not fair that I should feel like that. It's not fair that you should endure what you are enduring.

Muffin, thank you for sharing your story. Please message me as I would love to chat more with you. Be strong friend, be strong. I know it's so god damn hard brother, I know. It's just so god damn hard. Be strong.
 
I just had to post another thought I had. I really, really would like to know if it's common for survivors who have a child, feel totally out of control and have their issues explode.

I was just thinking that the reasons seem pretty clear. In my case, I have the intellectual adult who knows that he's been abused and that it should never have happened... and I also have the child in me, that is in so much pain and just simply can't deal with it... and of course he doesn't know how. I feel schizophrenic sometimes because of it.

And then, with the baby... everything comes apart. The adult in me knows how to be an excellent father, and the child in me is petrified I'll fail like I've been taught to. That I won't be there.

That might be old hat, but I just put that together for myself. I guess awareness helps...
 
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