cries of the lone wolf

[MarkK]

i didn't ask to be alone. i didn't ask to be facing each day in solitude. no hand to hold. no voice whispering "you'll get through this". social media ... yeah - social. right. and let's not forget the chat portions of online gaming. real connections there, let me tell you.

yet here i am, same as yesterday and the day before and the day before that and so on ad infinitum. world without end. amen.

life loses a lot of its color when it's viewed from this angle. this craving to belong turns the world black and white - very few shades of grey - good/bad. right/wrong. happy/anguished. a world of polar opposites where neither goal is to be desired as they both have their shortcomings.

i am gradually coming to the realization that things will never change. but to look ahead five, ten, twenty years --- things as they are --- the thought is too depressing.

not to be pitied, though. this world is my creation. i built the walls that hold everyone out. i dug the moat and raised the barricades to ensure my safety.

never realized i would need to be safe from myself...

 

[zookeeper]

My Friend

I can hear the pain in your words and want you to know that, in a way, you are not alone. Im so very sorry for the pain that has been thrust on you. Praying the you find what you need to support you on your journey to recovery.
Your Friend
B

 

[MarkK]

thank you for the sentiment, but i'm learning (slowly) to accept the fact that things are what they are and are not going to change.

 

[DannyT]

Mark,

I've been there, too. But things can change. We just have to make the change happen. If you built the walls, you can still pull them apart. Join a group of some kind. I finally did. And even though it's just a few people I see every other week or so, they're people, and they're nice. And maybe one day I can step out and meet someone who I want to hold hands with, too.

"You'll get through this."

Danny

 

[KMCINVA]

Markk

I am sorry for your pain and sense of loneliness. Being alone is difficult--I felt alone even though people were around because their actions were hurting and pushing me further into the despair of the abuse. They see little wrong with actions and actually laugh and regal about it.

I struggled, and by some fortune I met wonderful people and people who knew once they learned of my plight rallied and supported me. It is important you find the right people--kind and compassionate people and not those that wear their good deeds and religion on their sleeves.

I know it is hard but once you open up, which is difficult and for me I initially told those who were devils in angels clothes of the abuse and they nearly killed me. By a shear accident and probably stupidity, I posted to Facebook my story--to a page I thought was private. It was not and the support I received, none from family, of what I lived showed me there are good and kind people in this world. An accident opened up a world to me that helped me to heal.

I do not recommend doing what I did, if I had thought about it and knew it was going public I would not have posted. I am trying to say, sometimes you have to reach out to find support, sometimes it stumbles on you and other times it could be fate. I encourage you, and only you can decide, find a group and hobby that has group meetings or outings, a meetup group. Call friends who touched your life in the past. I do not like to see people suffer and loneliness is a terrible feeling. I can tell you I believe many who pushed me to depths so low, are more lonely than I was but hide behind a false cloak of being bonded.

I hope you know we are here for you so you are not alone.

Kevin

 

[MarkK]

i was a member of a men's csa survivor group. that ended in disaster, thanks to one of the "facilitators". i won't make that mistake again.
i am finding new hobbies, but they are all "solo event" hobbies, done by one person, on their own. this is safest.
i am sorry if my posting has upset anyone or brought anyone down - but the truth is, at least right now, i give up trying to be anything more than alone. it's what i blog for - release.
i seldom post here on MS.org these days --- seems i step in it every time i do.

 

[KMCINVA]

Markk

Stepping in it helps us to heal---never think otherwise.

Kevin

 

[Robert1000]

Keep strong, MarkK. I can identify with the solitude you write about. I constantly struggle against my own excuses/urges/instincts to be alone, even if only alone in my thoughts. It's hard to stay present when I'm with people. It's hard not to build little isolated places in my own head.

What you're describing is a big part of the human experience. Take it for what it is. It hurts because it's important.

Keep seeking moments of peace, brother. We carry a heavy burden. Any time you can put it down should be cherished. Did you have any good moments in the Men's CSA Survivor Group? Remember those.

Anyway, good luck to you.

Bob