Creating Safety, V: Victims and Survivors
roadrunner
Registrant
Over in the Family and Friends Forum Brokenhearted raises an important question: When does the person move from being victim to survivor? In fact shes specifically interested in the issue of anger, but her original question is worth looking at on its own. The answer would of course be a complicated one that would depend a lot upon our individual histories, personalities and personal circumstances. But isnt it worth looking at this in general terms anyway?
My reason for thinking this might be worthwhile is that it is so easy to get lost in our issues. What I mean by that is that there is so much to work on, and in so many different directions, that we often find ourselves wondering Where the hell am I going? We wish we knew where we were in our recovery, and somehow the idea that we are on the path seems to ring hollow. We want to know if we really are making progress.
I think that if we can understand the general ideas and areas that show us moving from victim to survivor, that will both encourage us and give us some sense of clarity to what we are doing in our efforts towards recovery. It thus seems to fit nicely into the series of posts I started on the theme of creating safety.
So what areas can we identify as the places to look if we wish to see how we are getting along in moving from victims to survivors? In my own thinking I came up with the following. I suppose they could have been put into a different order, and of course they are all closely related and I imagine a rather different list could be put together, though I doubt it would differ much in essence from what I am saying here:
Secrets and Blame: Abuse teaches a boy the false lessons that he is worthless and his needs meaningless; what happened only reflects what he deserves it was his fault. Because of this the boy will devote incredible energy and effort to keeping the secret of what is really someone else's crime. In any case, the abuser is likely to have told him time after time that this is our secret. A survivor is someone who is struggling to see through this falsehood and abolish dark secrets. Putting an end to abuse secrets is an essential part of his effort to understand that none of what happened was his fault.
Solitude: Because it demands that its victim keep secrets and remain silent, abuse also condemns him to a terrible solitude. The victimized boy feels alone and isolated in his pain and shame. A survivor, on the other hand, is learning to reach out to others. He is beginning to understand that the first step in recovery is to tell someone and talk about it. He sees that talking finally breaks the silence, and that helps him to reject blame and understand his feelings. He is beginning to trust the idea that he really does have the right to ask for what he needs, including support and understanding from family, friends and a good professional therapist.
Boundaries: A young boy or teenager is in the crucial stages of defining how he will relate to other people as an adult. That is, he is developing an understanding of boundaries and deciding what his own will be. This crucial process is wrecked by abuse, which tells the boy that boundaries mean nothing; his own can be violated at will by anyone who is more powerful than he is, and catastrophic harm can come to him at any time and from any direction. As his own trust has been so ruinously violated, trust itself is called into question and his ability to trust others in the future will be severely compromised. Later, in adulthood, his lack of boundaries can affect his relationships with others in many ways, not just where sexual behavior is concerned, but also in acting out and with problematic emotions like excessive anger, frustration and suspicion. A survivor is the guy who recognizes these problems and is trying to re-establish his ability to trust, but this time within safe boundaries.
Facing the Truth: When the emotional devastation caused by abuse leads its victim to keep secrets and remain silent, it is at the same time isolating him from the need to deal with his issues and face the truth. These get buried along with the secret of the abuse itself, but the pain and trauma remain. Denied any healthy outlet, they find expression through various forms of acting out: drinking, drug use, cutting and other forms of self-harm, running away, anti-social behavior (e.g. fighting in school, bullying, inability to cooperate in a group), obsession with pornography, and unhealthy sexual activity. A survivor, on the other hand, recognizes that things are going desperately wrong and is coming to see that if the situation is to change he is the only one who can make this happen. He is beginning to understand that he has to be honest with himself and deal with things as they really are, and that if he is to be able to help others he first has to help himself.
Staying Present: Abuse is a traumatic experience that its victim will relive through nightmares and flashbacks; memories of the terrible things done to him will recur to a boy every day and he will often feel like he is wearing a sign announcing these things to the world. Nakedness, being touched, or even quite innocuous happenings will trigger him and carry him back to the abuse events of his past. The past will define him, and he will find it difficult to imagine himself in any other terms. He won't see himself as, for example, Billy who can run like the wind in cross-country and knows everything there is to know about his motorcycle; he will see himself as Billy who was raped by his older brother a million times. Next to that awful fact nothing else counts. As an adult he will dwell on the past, grieving and raging over it, as he rightly deserves to do, but to no particular end. A survivor is the guy who is beginning to see the futility of this and realizes that whatever his right to rage and lament the past, he will never be able to change it. He understands that he has to focus on the present, as it only in the here and now that he is empowered to do the work required to change things. He knows he has to learn the lessons of the past, but must beware of defining himself in terms of the crimes committed years ago by someone else.
Feelings: The physical molestation and emotional trauma of abuse confront a boy with challenges that he has no resources to face. Unable to defend himself, explain what is happening or make it stop, he will cope by accepting a host of false lessons, including a truckload of bad feelings about himself. He will feel guilty, ashamed, inadequate as a friend or partner, powerless and worthless. He will feel abuse is all he deserves and that he is doomed to this forever. These feelings will continue into adulthood and will be part of the terrible problem of allowing himself to be defined by abuse. Because the bad feelings are his and he has felt this way for so long, he will accept that they accurately describe him and his relationship to the world in which he lives. This in turn will erode his self-esteem and confidence and simply add to the stock of bad feelings about himself. A survivor, on the other hand, is beginning to see that these feelings at least have to be talked about and examined to see if they really are true. This willingness to look at oneself often comes only when the situation has become genuinely desperate (e.g. he fears he is going insane or sees that important relationships are in jeopardy), but the point is that it comes. Eventually he will see that NONE these feelings say anything about him; they simply confirm how cruel and horrific the things were that were done to him.
Recovery: Finally, what does it mean to be a successful survivor? That is, what does it mean to be recovered - healed - and no longer a victim at all?
Six years ago I suffered a bad fall at work; my right shoulder was crushed right back to the neck and had to be restored through surgery and then months of painful physiotherapy. Some of the damage could not be repaired, however, and for a time I had no feeling in my right arm. I was faced with the prospects of having to relearn how to write, giving up on various activities I liked, and accepting that I would never again do certain simple things like raise my arm over my head. Man, was I ever angry and resentful! But then I guess I became a "survivor". I realized that fuming was getting me nowhere and that I needed my energy for my recovery. I got to work on my present problems and slowly regained use of my arm, including an ability to do some things that I had been told were very doubtful. But most importantly, I gained peace. I only have about 70% use of my arm now and every day things I do remind me of that. But I am okay. I remember the accident and I wish it hadn't happened. But it doesn't define me as "One-Armed Larry" and it doesn't hijack my life or prevent me from enjoying it, feeling fulfilled or relating in healthy ways to other people -- including those with two good arms!
I think abuse is in some ways similar. I know I will never forget what was done to me, and in fact I no longer want to forget. I want to be able to claim my victory once I have it, and I want to be able to turn back to others and tell them that victory is possible how would I do that if I no longer recalled what my victory was all about or how great the obstacles had been?
Recovery as I see it wont be about forgetting it will be about finding peace. I will have conquered the bad feelings about myself that abuse drilled into me, and I will have rejected all the false lessons my abuser wanted me to learn. The things that I remember will no longer be able to distract me, hijack my plans, derail the things I am doing, or wreck my relationships with others. I will be able to life my life in joy and fulfillment.
Notice that in describing the things a survivor does, I dont speak about completed tasks or items crossed off the list. Being a survivor is about trying seeing what we have to do and making an effort. The abuse of an innocent defenseless child is one of the cruelest and most horrific crimes imaginable, and recovery from it takes a lot of courage and commitment. The willingness to summon up those qualities, to the best of our abilities, each in his own way and according to his own needs, is what makes us survivors. The completion of the work is something else that is what makes us healed.
Much love,
Larry
My reason for thinking this might be worthwhile is that it is so easy to get lost in our issues. What I mean by that is that there is so much to work on, and in so many different directions, that we often find ourselves wondering Where the hell am I going? We wish we knew where we were in our recovery, and somehow the idea that we are on the path seems to ring hollow. We want to know if we really are making progress.
I think that if we can understand the general ideas and areas that show us moving from victim to survivor, that will both encourage us and give us some sense of clarity to what we are doing in our efforts towards recovery. It thus seems to fit nicely into the series of posts I started on the theme of creating safety.
So what areas can we identify as the places to look if we wish to see how we are getting along in moving from victims to survivors? In my own thinking I came up with the following. I suppose they could have been put into a different order, and of course they are all closely related and I imagine a rather different list could be put together, though I doubt it would differ much in essence from what I am saying here:
Secrets and Blame: Abuse teaches a boy the false lessons that he is worthless and his needs meaningless; what happened only reflects what he deserves it was his fault. Because of this the boy will devote incredible energy and effort to keeping the secret of what is really someone else's crime. In any case, the abuser is likely to have told him time after time that this is our secret. A survivor is someone who is struggling to see through this falsehood and abolish dark secrets. Putting an end to abuse secrets is an essential part of his effort to understand that none of what happened was his fault.
Solitude: Because it demands that its victim keep secrets and remain silent, abuse also condemns him to a terrible solitude. The victimized boy feels alone and isolated in his pain and shame. A survivor, on the other hand, is learning to reach out to others. He is beginning to understand that the first step in recovery is to tell someone and talk about it. He sees that talking finally breaks the silence, and that helps him to reject blame and understand his feelings. He is beginning to trust the idea that he really does have the right to ask for what he needs, including support and understanding from family, friends and a good professional therapist.
Boundaries: A young boy or teenager is in the crucial stages of defining how he will relate to other people as an adult. That is, he is developing an understanding of boundaries and deciding what his own will be. This crucial process is wrecked by abuse, which tells the boy that boundaries mean nothing; his own can be violated at will by anyone who is more powerful than he is, and catastrophic harm can come to him at any time and from any direction. As his own trust has been so ruinously violated, trust itself is called into question and his ability to trust others in the future will be severely compromised. Later, in adulthood, his lack of boundaries can affect his relationships with others in many ways, not just where sexual behavior is concerned, but also in acting out and with problematic emotions like excessive anger, frustration and suspicion. A survivor is the guy who recognizes these problems and is trying to re-establish his ability to trust, but this time within safe boundaries.
Facing the Truth: When the emotional devastation caused by abuse leads its victim to keep secrets and remain silent, it is at the same time isolating him from the need to deal with his issues and face the truth. These get buried along with the secret of the abuse itself, but the pain and trauma remain. Denied any healthy outlet, they find expression through various forms of acting out: drinking, drug use, cutting and other forms of self-harm, running away, anti-social behavior (e.g. fighting in school, bullying, inability to cooperate in a group), obsession with pornography, and unhealthy sexual activity. A survivor, on the other hand, recognizes that things are going desperately wrong and is coming to see that if the situation is to change he is the only one who can make this happen. He is beginning to understand that he has to be honest with himself and deal with things as they really are, and that if he is to be able to help others he first has to help himself.
Staying Present: Abuse is a traumatic experience that its victim will relive through nightmares and flashbacks; memories of the terrible things done to him will recur to a boy every day and he will often feel like he is wearing a sign announcing these things to the world. Nakedness, being touched, or even quite innocuous happenings will trigger him and carry him back to the abuse events of his past. The past will define him, and he will find it difficult to imagine himself in any other terms. He won't see himself as, for example, Billy who can run like the wind in cross-country and knows everything there is to know about his motorcycle; he will see himself as Billy who was raped by his older brother a million times. Next to that awful fact nothing else counts. As an adult he will dwell on the past, grieving and raging over it, as he rightly deserves to do, but to no particular end. A survivor is the guy who is beginning to see the futility of this and realizes that whatever his right to rage and lament the past, he will never be able to change it. He understands that he has to focus on the present, as it only in the here and now that he is empowered to do the work required to change things. He knows he has to learn the lessons of the past, but must beware of defining himself in terms of the crimes committed years ago by someone else.
Feelings: The physical molestation and emotional trauma of abuse confront a boy with challenges that he has no resources to face. Unable to defend himself, explain what is happening or make it stop, he will cope by accepting a host of false lessons, including a truckload of bad feelings about himself. He will feel guilty, ashamed, inadequate as a friend or partner, powerless and worthless. He will feel abuse is all he deserves and that he is doomed to this forever. These feelings will continue into adulthood and will be part of the terrible problem of allowing himself to be defined by abuse. Because the bad feelings are his and he has felt this way for so long, he will accept that they accurately describe him and his relationship to the world in which he lives. This in turn will erode his self-esteem and confidence and simply add to the stock of bad feelings about himself. A survivor, on the other hand, is beginning to see that these feelings at least have to be talked about and examined to see if they really are true. This willingness to look at oneself often comes only when the situation has become genuinely desperate (e.g. he fears he is going insane or sees that important relationships are in jeopardy), but the point is that it comes. Eventually he will see that NONE these feelings say anything about him; they simply confirm how cruel and horrific the things were that were done to him.
Recovery: Finally, what does it mean to be a successful survivor? That is, what does it mean to be recovered - healed - and no longer a victim at all?
Six years ago I suffered a bad fall at work; my right shoulder was crushed right back to the neck and had to be restored through surgery and then months of painful physiotherapy. Some of the damage could not be repaired, however, and for a time I had no feeling in my right arm. I was faced with the prospects of having to relearn how to write, giving up on various activities I liked, and accepting that I would never again do certain simple things like raise my arm over my head. Man, was I ever angry and resentful! But then I guess I became a "survivor". I realized that fuming was getting me nowhere and that I needed my energy for my recovery. I got to work on my present problems and slowly regained use of my arm, including an ability to do some things that I had been told were very doubtful. But most importantly, I gained peace. I only have about 70% use of my arm now and every day things I do remind me of that. But I am okay. I remember the accident and I wish it hadn't happened. But it doesn't define me as "One-Armed Larry" and it doesn't hijack my life or prevent me from enjoying it, feeling fulfilled or relating in healthy ways to other people -- including those with two good arms!
I think abuse is in some ways similar. I know I will never forget what was done to me, and in fact I no longer want to forget. I want to be able to claim my victory once I have it, and I want to be able to turn back to others and tell them that victory is possible how would I do that if I no longer recalled what my victory was all about or how great the obstacles had been?
Recovery as I see it wont be about forgetting it will be about finding peace. I will have conquered the bad feelings about myself that abuse drilled into me, and I will have rejected all the false lessons my abuser wanted me to learn. The things that I remember will no longer be able to distract me, hijack my plans, derail the things I am doing, or wreck my relationships with others. I will be able to life my life in joy and fulfillment.
Notice that in describing the things a survivor does, I dont speak about completed tasks or items crossed off the list. Being a survivor is about trying seeing what we have to do and making an effort. The abuse of an innocent defenseless child is one of the cruelest and most horrific crimes imaginable, and recovery from it takes a lot of courage and commitment. The willingness to summon up those qualities, to the best of our abilities, each in his own way and according to his own needs, is what makes us survivors. The completion of the work is something else that is what makes us healed.
Much love,
Larry
