Creating Safety, II: Feelings about Ourselves
roadrunner
Registrant
Brothers,
In my earlier post on this subject I was trying to suggest some ideas that might help us to see recovery as a task that can actually be safe in many ways, or at least, safer than it usually is, or safer than we expect it to be, or safer than it has been so far. I have in mind some simple things we can aim for and do that will not only make us feel safer, but also empower us because we will see that in important ways our own attitudes are crucial to how our recovery will proceed and how long it will take.
In this post I want to talk about the feelings we so often have as survivors. I mean here the negative and self-loathing feelings we have about ourselves: I am guilty, I wanted it, It was all my fault, I am unlovable, I can never recover, I am worthless, I am ashamed, I am so dirty, and so on.
We all know these terrible feelings in some way or another, and we have all been overwhelmed by them on many occasions. The DB archive is full of threads and posts on this problem. So what can we do? Some of you will have seen my ideas before, scattered in responses to posts here and there, but perhaps it would be useful to stick it all in one place.
We first have to realize that these feelings come down to us from our childhood, when we were being abused. For many boys the world before abuse was already less than ideal, but still, most boys could assume that they were lovable, that they were somehow beyond catastrophic harm, and that in general the world was a safe place. We didn't THINK about that; it was just part of the way we made sense of the world.
Once we were abused, however, that framework was entirely wrecked. We COULD be terribly harmed, and the world is NOT a safe place. So why us? What explains the terrifying situation we were in? A child cannot accept the idea that the world is just nuts; he has to have SOME way to explain things. So in his child's mind he reaches the only available conclusion, often encouraged by the abuser: It is all HIS fault. As the confusion and fear escalates he proceeds down this road to suspect that in reality he is unlovable, that he is worthless and simply doesn't deserve any better than what he is receiving. Everything that is happening seems to confirm this. These terrible feelings don't go away just because the boy grows up. They may sink beneath the surface, but they affect him all the same.
When we gather up the strength to start out on recovery it would be great if we could separate all these feelings and deal with them one by one. But it isn't like that. The feelings hit us all at once, like an emotional hurricane. So what can we do?
One thing that helps me a lot is to adopt a particular strategy when I feel myself being overwhelmed by bad feelings about myself. I keep telling myself that this feeling is coming from me; it is mine and I own it. I can decide what to do with it and I can look at it to see what it means. I must admit that I have to work on this feeling, but at the same time, I don't have to accept that the feeling is a real truth about me as a person.
Here's an example. When I first came here I felt incredibly guilty about my abuse. I genuinely believed that at the time I "wanted it". I felt like a willing participant. In other words, when the feelings of guilt flooded me, I accepted them as a truth about myself: I FELT guilty, so I must BE guilty. I didn't realize that in thinking like that I was simply carrying on the ways that I saw things as a boy.
But now I am older. I am free to back off that feeling and just ask WHY do I feel guilty? I can ask what underlies that feeling, and what can I do about it? To continue with guilt, it may be that I feel guilty because I got an erection when I was abused. If I look at that now, years after the abuse, hopefully I will discover or be helped to understand that any boy's body will respond that way to stimulation, and that getting an erection doesn't mean I wanted or liked the abuse.
As I look at other factors underlying my feelings of guilt, I can see that in each case there is an explanation for what happened, an explanation that does NOT lead to the conclusion that I am guilty. As I take apart the tangled web of ideas behind my feelings of guilt, I gradually come to know, and then believe, that I am not guilty at all! By working with the feeling, I have learned that it isn't true.
I am not saying we can do all this on our own; clearly we can't, and the best way forward is to work with a T. But we don't live in the T's office, so what can we do in between sessions for ourselves?
When we feel ourselves becoming overwhelmed, I think we can try to resist the temptation just to accept the bad feelings and trash ourselves all over again. We can make a kind of mantra for ourselves, assuring ourselves that these feelings may not be true and we need to bring them up next time we see our T. Later on we can perhaps figure the answers out ourselves in some cases. Or we can come here and raise the problem with our brother survivors.
I have found this to be an incredibly empowering exercise as my recovery proceeds. I don't always have the answers, but I DON'T HAVE TO!. I have already won half the battle if I can resist the temptation to accept the feelings as true and tear myself up over them. It already helps me to know that these bad feelings about myself don't OWN me; I own them. I can work with them and use them to learn and move forward.
To my surprise, in every single case these bad feelings about myself have proven to be false. I DIDN'T like it or want it; it WASN'T my fault. I am a decent person; I was a good kid years ago and I am a good man now.
I think this task of working with our feelings is in fact the single most important thing we can and must to in order to recover. It is something we can work on every day, bit by bit. Yes, it takes courage and confidence, but at the same time it builds courage and confidence, and faster than we think.
Much love,
Larry
In my earlier post on this subject I was trying to suggest some ideas that might help us to see recovery as a task that can actually be safe in many ways, or at least, safer than it usually is, or safer than we expect it to be, or safer than it has been so far. I have in mind some simple things we can aim for and do that will not only make us feel safer, but also empower us because we will see that in important ways our own attitudes are crucial to how our recovery will proceed and how long it will take.
In this post I want to talk about the feelings we so often have as survivors. I mean here the negative and self-loathing feelings we have about ourselves: I am guilty, I wanted it, It was all my fault, I am unlovable, I can never recover, I am worthless, I am ashamed, I am so dirty, and so on.
We all know these terrible feelings in some way or another, and we have all been overwhelmed by them on many occasions. The DB archive is full of threads and posts on this problem. So what can we do? Some of you will have seen my ideas before, scattered in responses to posts here and there, but perhaps it would be useful to stick it all in one place.
We first have to realize that these feelings come down to us from our childhood, when we were being abused. For many boys the world before abuse was already less than ideal, but still, most boys could assume that they were lovable, that they were somehow beyond catastrophic harm, and that in general the world was a safe place. We didn't THINK about that; it was just part of the way we made sense of the world.
Once we were abused, however, that framework was entirely wrecked. We COULD be terribly harmed, and the world is NOT a safe place. So why us? What explains the terrifying situation we were in? A child cannot accept the idea that the world is just nuts; he has to have SOME way to explain things. So in his child's mind he reaches the only available conclusion, often encouraged by the abuser: It is all HIS fault. As the confusion and fear escalates he proceeds down this road to suspect that in reality he is unlovable, that he is worthless and simply doesn't deserve any better than what he is receiving. Everything that is happening seems to confirm this. These terrible feelings don't go away just because the boy grows up. They may sink beneath the surface, but they affect him all the same.
When we gather up the strength to start out on recovery it would be great if we could separate all these feelings and deal with them one by one. But it isn't like that. The feelings hit us all at once, like an emotional hurricane. So what can we do?
One thing that helps me a lot is to adopt a particular strategy when I feel myself being overwhelmed by bad feelings about myself. I keep telling myself that this feeling is coming from me; it is mine and I own it. I can decide what to do with it and I can look at it to see what it means. I must admit that I have to work on this feeling, but at the same time, I don't have to accept that the feeling is a real truth about me as a person.
Here's an example. When I first came here I felt incredibly guilty about my abuse. I genuinely believed that at the time I "wanted it". I felt like a willing participant. In other words, when the feelings of guilt flooded me, I accepted them as a truth about myself: I FELT guilty, so I must BE guilty. I didn't realize that in thinking like that I was simply carrying on the ways that I saw things as a boy.
But now I am older. I am free to back off that feeling and just ask WHY do I feel guilty? I can ask what underlies that feeling, and what can I do about it? To continue with guilt, it may be that I feel guilty because I got an erection when I was abused. If I look at that now, years after the abuse, hopefully I will discover or be helped to understand that any boy's body will respond that way to stimulation, and that getting an erection doesn't mean I wanted or liked the abuse.
As I look at other factors underlying my feelings of guilt, I can see that in each case there is an explanation for what happened, an explanation that does NOT lead to the conclusion that I am guilty. As I take apart the tangled web of ideas behind my feelings of guilt, I gradually come to know, and then believe, that I am not guilty at all! By working with the feeling, I have learned that it isn't true.
I am not saying we can do all this on our own; clearly we can't, and the best way forward is to work with a T. But we don't live in the T's office, so what can we do in between sessions for ourselves?
When we feel ourselves becoming overwhelmed, I think we can try to resist the temptation just to accept the bad feelings and trash ourselves all over again. We can make a kind of mantra for ourselves, assuring ourselves that these feelings may not be true and we need to bring them up next time we see our T. Later on we can perhaps figure the answers out ourselves in some cases. Or we can come here and raise the problem with our brother survivors.
I have found this to be an incredibly empowering exercise as my recovery proceeds. I don't always have the answers, but I DON'T HAVE TO!. I have already won half the battle if I can resist the temptation to accept the feelings as true and tear myself up over them. It already helps me to know that these bad feelings about myself don't OWN me; I own them. I can work with them and use them to learn and move forward.
To my surprise, in every single case these bad feelings about myself have proven to be false. I DIDN'T like it or want it; it WASN'T my fault. I am a decent person; I was a good kid years ago and I am a good man now.
I think this task of working with our feelings is in fact the single most important thing we can and must to in order to recover. It is something we can work on every day, bit by bit. Yes, it takes courage and confidence, but at the same time it builds courage and confidence, and faster than we think.
Much love,
Larry
