Creating Safety, I: Setbacks

[roadrunner]

In sessions with my T lately we have been talking about creating safety - things I can do to establish a more comfortable and reassuring environment for pursuit of my recovery. My T was thinking of physical and tangible things like identifying a safe place, holding onto a safe object, and so on. But something else I thought of was this.

Can't I also help myself by trying to look at problematic issues in my recovery in a more positive way? There are a number of things that I have found I can do, so I thought I would share them. This is the first one I thought I would talk about.

How often do we refer to "setbacks", those occasions when we seem to be doing okay, and then all of a sudden get ambushed and feel that all our recent progress has been cancelled. Our classic phrases for this are things like "two steps forward, one step back", "one step forward, two steps back", and so on.

Sure, recovery involves a LOT of setbacks and we have to be prepared for them. But is every new challenge a setback? I don't think we have to look at it in such a negative way.

In many cases where we feel we have been ambushed big-time, what is really happening is that we have moved forward enough that we are ready to face a new challenge or deal with a painful issue that we could not have processed or tolerated in the past. If this hits us and causes us new pain or confusion that doesn't mean we have been "set back". It may also mean that here on this point on the path of recovery we have to pause for awhile and do some work before we can continue.

I think so many times coping with this is a matter of attitude, and comparing recovery to a winding mountain path helps me to work with this approach. If I am realistic and willing to give myself a break, I can see that of course there will be unexpected challenges around various corners, and if I find them frightening or confusing that has to do with the difficulty of the journey, not with my weaknesses or failures as a survivor. No one promised me that the path would be easy!

If I see the new challenge for what it is, and not as a setback, then dealing with it becomes an empowering task instead of a reason to trash myself like I have done a million times already. By adopting this approach I can perhaps hope to overcome the challenge more quickly, pause to gather my resources, and move on.

To another challenge.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Morning Star]

Larry,

When we start to viewing life as a challenge, it becomes so, instead if start viewing those experiences as opportunities for growth, then life becomes an easier place to be, an arena for learning and growth, and not where you have to constant fight to save yourself from potential danger and hurt.

But for that to happen we need to release all the past energy of abuse from our system, that is of fear.

In energy medicine, body is seen as a dynamic energy system, just as physicists see it as a collection of atoms and molecules.

So if have atoms of fear in our system that were introduced during the abuse, you are bound to feel unsafe, external measures will only remain so, external.

Memories of abuse are so hard to unplug because they are laden with heavy emotions, and sink their roots deep in our system. In order to heal them the only way out is to first render them powerless, by removing all emotions from those memories. Then they unplug automatically.

The methods are various and many, some we have been discussing on another boards.

Later we are free to use those memories as guides, or to throw them out completely when we have learnt all that we had to.

Since we no longer fortify them thru our emotional responses, they dont take root again.

This persepective is also helpful in viewing painful experinces of life episode that can trigger of growth in us, that happens when instead of feeling victimized I can ask What can I learn from this?

Abuse teaches us two main things, first to respect power and then to forgive when we feel powerless, because that experience is essential for us to connect with our real power, the power of our spirit, which helps us see the abuse as an empowering experience rather than a crime. Till then even I felt that all this talk about forgiveness was adding insult to my injury.

 

Sexual abuse is not positive.

only when you connect with it, can you see abuse in any positive light

There is only darkness to come from abuse, and pain and all the other things the guys here talk about.

Turn back to clock, before we were abused. Can we honestly say we would wish to be abused again??

No.

If there were a positive, we may make that choice to live again and suffer the abuse.

Larry - I have often thought that recovery is a safe place, a haven to go. Sometimes we slip, but the further we go the safer we feel.

Eventually it stops being 1 step forwards and 2 back and becomes 5 steps forwards and 1 back.

Then we can feel we are getting somewhere!!

Peace.

 

[roadrunner]

JapanZen,

I certainly didn't mean to be saying that there is anything positive about abuse, and if we read Morning Star closely I think he would agree. But I will leave him to comment there.

What I was referring to (and will be referring to again) is the possibility of viewing the processes involved in our RECOVERY in a more positive way. I do think that if we can be more positive about ourselves earlier in recovery, the whole process will be facilitated.

Thanks for alerting me to the need for this clarification.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Morning Star]

Larry,
Grace is the only way, you can reach that point where one can see abuse as a gift. That is where I think I went wrong in the previous board I thought I could convince someone, my mistake.
I reached there not because I did any special on my part, I reached there only because I surrendered and ask God to heal me, no therapy or my internal work could take me where sheer grace has taken me and today I am really surprised and thankful to God and also thankful to japan for helping me realise this.

Thank you!