Thank you, my friend. Could use a lot of them.
I hear that. Have been celibate for 15 years as a result. Don't want to let that side of me out. When my inner "Peter" gets out, he has no limits. When triggered, I can end up having to take of myself 5 or 6 times a day. Emotional reaction causes a physical reaction. I just can't seem to seperate them. I compartmentalized and dissociated--it didn't happen to me, it happened to "Peter". I know that's whacked thinking, but it is what it is. If I'm with someone, the fear kicks in and I drop like a rock. Pills help, but if I use them, I just have no limits, so I don't engage. Only solution that has worked for me. Shrinks say I need to integrate that part of me in my life, but haven't been able to figure out how.RwFox99
I am sorry for your pain. I hope you know we are here for you. You are questioning yourself and it can be part of the process of healing. I too found sex unappealing while I struggled to first bury it, which allowed the abuse to further control my life. I did not feel safe and like you believing something will happen during the sex. It was as though someone else is in the room--the abuser. Our mind controls how we feel about sex. It is important you feel safe--and this sense must come from within you. Others can create an unsafe environment for a survivor--either intentionally or without understanding what a survivor needs and then there are those within an innate sense of compassion that help lead us to feeling safe. Please separate the sex from your other emotions.
I hope you are talking with your therapist and doctor about your emotions, your pain and struggless with suicidal thoughts. The meds could play a role because everyone reacts differently to medication. Continue to reach out here, for we support and care for you.
Mine is not but he has a few clients suffering from abuses. He said I would be a challenge.Are your therapists PTSD/Chikdhood Trauma specialists? Reintegration takes time. I still have several "parts" including at least 2 that the different abuses happened to. My T is in no hurry to reintegrate them. They will when they are ready.
I looked and there are no male therapists where I live who have dealt with male-on-male sexual abuses. Lots of male-on-female abuse therapists and focus groups.keep looking! You really need a specialist. Have your current T help you in the search. I keep 2 Ts for that reason.