Crazy

Rwfox99

Registrant
I feel like I'm going crazy. I wish I could get these thoughts out of my head or not remember them. I felt pretty good after I shared my story, but now I feel alone again.
I did tell more of my story to my wife and she cried with me. My sex life seems to be going from great to crap. Now when I have sex with my wife I feel like something is going to come behind me and attack me. Then I can't even finish. I feel less of a man, because I can't complete my manly duties for my wife. My wife ask me what is wrong? I tell her I don't know. I have cried myself to sleep the last couple of nights and feel hopeless.
I keep having thoughts of suicide, but I know that is not the answer. I don't know why the plans I made in the past keep coming back and I keep trying to improve them. My appointment to see a therapist is in two weeks. I just pray I don't go off the deep end before that.
 

Rwfox99

Registrant
I understand I'm not the only one going through this, but I still feel alone. I don't know what to say to others. I think I might need to tell the rest of my story. Maybe I'll feel better, but for how long I don't know.
 

iceman67

Registrant
I feel like I'm going crazy. I wish I could get these thoughts out of my head or not remember them. I felt pretty good after I shared my story, but now I feel alone again.
I did tell more of my story to my wife and she cried with me. My sex life seems to be going from great to crap. Now when I have sex with my wife I feel like something is going to come behind me and attack me. Then I can't even finish. I feel less of a man, because I can't complete my manly duties for my wife. My wife ask me what is wrong? I tell her I don't know. I have cried myself to sleep the last couple of nights and feel hopeless.
I keep having thoughts of suicide, but I know that is not the answer. I don't know why the plans I made in the past keep coming back and I keep trying to improve them. My appointment to see a therapist is in two weeks. I just pray I don't go off the deep end before that.
I am living the exact same bad dream myself. Sex is maybe once a week and for the past two years, I am struggling with ED (probably mental not physical). I just cannot catch a break.

Great to hear you are able to see a therapist. I think a therapist could do wonders as long as you are open to it. I only wish I could do the same but that is impossible at this point in my mind.

Sadly, suicide is always on my mind but I will not do it cuz i signed a contract with my brother that I would not try to do that again.
 
you are definitely not alone. perhaps time will help although we know it is difficult to wait for things to get better sir
 
Everyone here has your back. Yes, this can be painful at times, even too much... but telling the truth to people who understand is better than collapsing in on ourselves. Keep sharing. We'll take this journey with you.
 

Rwfox99

Registrant
I am living the exact same bad dream myself. Sex is maybe once a week and for the past two years, I am struggling with ED (probably mental not physical). I just cannot catch a break.

Great to hear you are able to see a therapist. I think a therapist could do wonders as long as you are open to it. I only wish I could do the same but that is impossible at this point in my mind.

Sadly, suicide is always on my mind but I will not do it cuz i signed a contract with my brother that I would not try to do that again.
My thoughts of suicide are getting worse, Everytime I get upset that is the first thing I think of. I'm on new meds so maybe that is a side effect, I'm not sure.
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
RwFox99

I am sorry for your pain. I hope you know we are here for you. You are questioning yourself and it can be part of the process of healing. I too found sex unappealing while I struggled to first bury it, which allowed the abuse to further control my life. I did not feel safe and like you believing something will happen during the sex. It was as though someone else is in the room--the abuser. Our mind controls how we feel about sex. It is important you feel safe--and this sense must come from within you. Others can create an unsafe environment for a survivor--either intentionally or without understanding what a survivor needs and then there are those within an innate sense of compassion that help lead us to feeling safe. Please separate the sex from your other emotions.

I hope you are talking with your therapist and doctor about your emotions, your pain and struggless with suicidal thoughts. The meds could play a role because everyone reacts differently to medication. Continue to reach out here, for we support and care for you.

Kevin
 

Healing light

Registrant
My thoughts of suicide are getting worse, Everytime I get upset that is the first thing I think of. I'm on new meds so maybe that is a side effect, I'm not sure.
Please talk to the doctor about the meds dude as some do make the feelings worse it can take time to find the medication and dose that's right for you and there is tons of options they have to try
Take good care
Peace
HL
 

iceman67

Registrant
Sounds like therapy is the answer and all of you had great experiences Sadly, I still cannot go. The idea of being in a room with at least one other person and the door closed terrifies me, like I am a caged animal.

My hands are shaking just thinking about this. The thought of verbalizing this make my stomach hurt and I want to throw up. Yeah... I am a big mess.

You guys should see me exiting the confession booth at Church. I am pale as a ghost, trembling, nauseous and soaked with sweat that it looks like I was in a pool... and confession only lasts a minute or two. Arggggg

So freaking frustrating... shouldn’t be this hard.
 
Sounds like therapy is the answer and all of you had great experiences Sadly, I still cannot go. The idea of being in a room with at least one other person and the door closed terrifies me, like I am a caged animal.

My hands are shaking just thinking about this. The thought of verbalizing this make my stomach hurt and I want to throw up. Yeah... I am a big mess.

You guys should see me exiting the confession booth at Church. I am pale as a ghost, trembling, nauseous and soaked with sweat that it looks like I was in a pool... and confession only lasts a minute or two. Arggggg

So freaking frustrating... shouldn’t be this hard.
Perhaps calling up a therapist and expressing your concerns. He/she could probably come up with alternative settings where you would feel more comfortable.
 
Your thoughts of suicide are worrisome, but I get it. I got so desperate that I told someone that I had a plan to do it if I didn't reach a certain goal by a certain time. My intention was to run into traffic on a busy freeway next to where I live. I repeated it often enough that the VA got wind of it and had me check in with a therapist every other day while I waited for an appointment.

Looking back, I am horrified by my mindset back then. Had they not intervened, I probably would not be here today after years of recovery.

Please hang on. Suicide is permanent. If you need to reach out to the Veteran's Suicide Hotline. Call 1-800-273-8255 and press 1. Or text to 838255. You may also chat online at https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/get-help/chat

We are here for you, brother.
 
@iceman67 Perhaps you've already tried online therapy, where using your laptop, or whatever camera and mic is available to you, can be used instead of going to a place where it's just you and whomever in a room?
 

iceman67

Registrant
@iceman67 Perhaps you've already tried online therapy, where using your laptop, or whatever camera and mic is available to you, can be used instead of going to a place where it's just you and whomever in a room?
I may be able to do something online but no vocalization. I cannot do that as much as I want.
 

iceman67

Registrant
Your thoughts of suicide are worrisome, but I get it. I got so desperate that I told someone that I had a plan to do it if I didn't reach a certain goal by a certain time. My intention was to run into traffic on a busy freeway next to where I live. I repeated it often enough that the VA got wind of it and had me check in with a therapist every other day while I waited for an appointment.

Looking back, I am horrified by my mindset back then. Had they not intervened, I probably would not be here today after years of recovery.

Please hang on. Suicide is permanent. If you need to reach out to the Veteran's Suicide Hotline. Call 1-800-273-8255 and press 1. Or text to 838255. You may also chat online at https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/get-help/chat

We are here for you, brother.
Agreed, suicide is not the answer. I know from experience and shared my story here.
 
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I have attempted suicide twice. I am glad I failed. I certainly wasn't at the times. I believe this is because my PTSD was out of control and swinging me wildly. The last attempt was driving into the center divider at 70mph. Life was just so painful I didn't see any other options. In my case, I truly believe God saved me both times. But I have been on psych wards several times. Not since I went through my therapy though.
 

iceman67

Registrant
I have attempted suicide twice. I am glad I failed. I certainly wasn't at the times. I believe this is because my PTSD was out of control and swinging me wildly. The last attempt was driving into the center divider at 70mph . Life was just so painful I didn't see any other options. In my case, I truly believe God saved me both times. But I have been on psych wards several times. Not since I went through my therapy though.
*** Triggers Ahead, Proceed with Caution ***

Glad you are still here, Jaxon. I, too, tried to crash my truck at speeds that would kill me (89mph) in hopes it would quick, like a second at most and I'd be a fiery mess. I do not want anyone touching me when while I am alive and especially when I am dead . I get PTSD just thinking someone is going to remove my clothes and shove a tube up my shriveled up dead penis (I assume all of the blood drains out after death) to drain my bladder, leave me naked so all of the staff can see me naked with my penis hanging out (Sweet Jesus, leave me alone and DO NOT touch me) and another freaking tube for formaldehyde. It's my worst nightmare... just leave me be. One thing I swore was I will kill myself before ever having a catheter.

I totally understand how you feel and know in your head that was the only option to make the nightmare end. I am plagued with those feeling, too. If you need to talk, send me a PM and we can discuss this in more granular detail. I'd like to help, of I may.

G
 
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