Craving time again
reality2k4
Registrant
I crave love at Christmas, I just want to be alone also.
I suppose I would just like to be like everyone else, and have a girl to take to parties and just get drunk and merry at this time.
I suppose I lost all that many years ago, but I suppose the little boy in me craves so much that he never had at christmas.
The season is for children to enjoy, with adults overindulging in drink and food like some orgy.
Yeah, I had a massive argument with my big brother, and you guess who won, not him, but he shown me his past abusive look, so I stared at him, and he never went past it, but why?
He comes around screaming at me, and I told him not to ever talk to me again, so he goes freakin wild on a cell phone to my other brother who gives him no support.
Next day my abusive brother knocks and is all nice, no apologies adn says I can do this for you, or that, too late, I told my other brother that I am not being abused by him any more.
Little ste loves him still, when he looked on me to guide him in life, when I was a kid and real hurt, I helped him and he protected me, but somehow jealousy got in the way.
I will forgive him again, even though he blamed me for everything when I was a scared little boy, who did not need to be blamed for everything.
Yeah, he scares the shit out of people, but not me, because I scared the shit out of him, cos I jusat wanted him to be my big brother, and he disowned me as his brother at school etc.
My siblings had their own secure lives to live, while ste was like the cinderella, doing all the chores and messages to keep them fed while they watched TV in abandon.
I cried so much to God to just get me thru this hurt and I damaged myself through feeling no self worth, but curiously no pity.
Maybe I felt bereaved at such a young age, that my childhood was snatched away and so many fears replaced the innocence that was there yesterday, maybe this is what I did not understand.
So much I miss my childhood, but I guess I got through fighting, and there should not have been a fight.
I suppose the fight comes from locking yourself in the bathroom and constantly looking into the mirror and the devil looking back at you, wanting and cutting to relieve hurt, crying non stop and running the bath water to drown the crying from my father who knew that I was crying in there.
I was a good kid who did no wrong, but he got hurt for all reasons not known to him, I guess this little boy protected him, even now, cos, as a man I would not know what a man is.
ste
I suppose I would just like to be like everyone else, and have a girl to take to parties and just get drunk and merry at this time.
I suppose I lost all that many years ago, but I suppose the little boy in me craves so much that he never had at christmas.
The season is for children to enjoy, with adults overindulging in drink and food like some orgy.
Yeah, I had a massive argument with my big brother, and you guess who won, not him, but he shown me his past abusive look, so I stared at him, and he never went past it, but why?
He comes around screaming at me, and I told him not to ever talk to me again, so he goes freakin wild on a cell phone to my other brother who gives him no support.
Next day my abusive brother knocks and is all nice, no apologies adn says I can do this for you, or that, too late, I told my other brother that I am not being abused by him any more.
Little ste loves him still, when he looked on me to guide him in life, when I was a kid and real hurt, I helped him and he protected me, but somehow jealousy got in the way.
I will forgive him again, even though he blamed me for everything when I was a scared little boy, who did not need to be blamed for everything.
Yeah, he scares the shit out of people, but not me, because I scared the shit out of him, cos I jusat wanted him to be my big brother, and he disowned me as his brother at school etc.
My siblings had their own secure lives to live, while ste was like the cinderella, doing all the chores and messages to keep them fed while they watched TV in abandon.
I cried so much to God to just get me thru this hurt and I damaged myself through feeling no self worth, but curiously no pity.
Maybe I felt bereaved at such a young age, that my childhood was snatched away and so many fears replaced the innocence that was there yesterday, maybe this is what I did not understand.
So much I miss my childhood, but I guess I got through fighting, and there should not have been a fight.
I suppose the fight comes from locking yourself in the bathroom and constantly looking into the mirror and the devil looking back at you, wanting and cutting to relieve hurt, crying non stop and running the bath water to drown the crying from my father who knew that I was crying in there.
I was a good kid who did no wrong, but he got hurt for all reasons not known to him, I guess this little boy protected him, even now, cos, as a man I would not know what a man is.
ste
