Craving a release (MAY TRIGGER!)

[crisispoint]

Lord almighty, between the crap happening with my father, the crap happening with my family as a result of same, the lack of money, friends' crises, etc., I'm feeling a wave of emotions that I just don't want to deal with.

I want to blow a wad of cash, which since I don't have a lot, isn't an issue, although the temptation to blow SOMETHING I can't afford is strong. I may spend a little to keep from going mad, but this isn't the problem. Full-blown self-destructive tendancies are, vis a vie cutting myself, drinking, etc.

The thing is I really CRAVE the alcohol right now. Story of my life, when I want something, I want HUGE!

Hacking away at myself also has its seduction, but I can't hide it if I go too far and do real damage.

I just want it to go away. Childish. But drink and pain makes it go away for a while.

*sigh*

Scot

 

[ForeverFighting]

Scot, I so understand what you're saying. One of those events would be enough to push a person toward the edge, but all of them? I call it being "pecked to death by ducks". Or remember those tiny dinosaurs in Jurrasic Park? Sure, maybe we can deal with one duck, but then the whole flock pounces on us.

I have to admit I went to shopping therapy yesterday. I figure an XM radio and a computer game are a lot less "expensive" in the long run than most of my other vices. I found myself pushing my car key into my hand on Tuesday, so I called a friend and talked to him for about an hour. That really helped. It's not like I sat there and told him every gory detail, but he's been through the SA, he could feel my pain, and I talked to him about my "ducks". My parents showed up on my front porch Saturday night, a teenage girl asked us for help dealing with her cold family on Sunday, I felt a friend had left me (scared him off I thought) on Friday, and my partner at work left two weeks ago and still hasn't come back so I'm doing two jobs at once. Then my psychiatrist said maybe I'm having a hard time because my Prozac dosage is too high, so he wants to take me off of it?????? Is this Dr an idiot or what? So my friend listened and listened, and even with all of that, I feel better.

Someone called it feeling extremely love deficient. As long as I can connect with someone, feel my pain just a little with them, the cutting doesn't happen. And then I buy an XM radio and spend a week trying to figure out how to install it in my car. It's called, keeping my eye OFF the ball, self-distraction.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it. Didn't mean to blab about all my stuff. I just want you to know I understand what you're going through. Anytime you get too much going, remember we're with you. We're fighting the stupid birds together.

Peace

Michael