Crappy night

[bowman]

Last night I got into that space where I felt like no one was ever going to listen to me or help me. Even more, whenever I'd think of reaching out, maybe to this board or whatever, I'd tell myself how stupid I was to think that anyone woud pay attention. I kept telling myself how alone I was, almost to make myself more in agony.

I don't know why I can't get out of it, or change it when I get like that. It's like I'm trying to see how much pain I can put myself through.

The only thing I can think of is that that's how I felt in the past, and getting really deep in that space is how the emotions have to come out. I think I felt so alone for the first few years of my life, there was no one I could trust. Things got easier after I was about six or seven, but before that I think I felt really abandoned. At one point when I was maybe four, my parents sent me to stay over night with my grandfather and he abused me, and it was more frightening and vicious than the other abuses. I think some of those feelings were specifically about haw I felt like they betrayed and abandoned me to this horrible person, whether that's fair to them or not.

I feel amazingly better today, so I guess I did get those feelings out, but I wish I could make myself reach out at the time. I guess its something to work on.

Ken

 

[James_dup1]

Bowman,
I'm glad your reaching out. In your post you said something that makes me see your not the person who had them feelings in the past...

The only thing I can think of is that that's how I felt in the past

I wonder my brother in the past could you see it like you talk about now? See how far you've come.
Keep up the good fight
James

 

[Joey G.]

Ken, I'm sorry you had such a bad night. Whenever we're feeling bad, we need someone to talk to. But we tend to think our pain is not important enough to others, or that we are not worthy of an understanding ear. The pain is real to you, so it certainly is worthy of addressing. That's why we have each other here. We're always here for you.
Joey

 

[Brayton]

Ken, I for one or another one am listening. I usually check these lists at least a couple of times a day.

I'm feeling kind of desperate myself today. Had an intense session with my therapist yesterday afternoon. First of all, the program I go to also treats perps. The waiting room seemed full of them, all joking with one another like good old friends (I almost wrote fiends). I got really angry and all closed in and then during the session we had to tackle that I've recently found out that one of my first cousins is a registered level 3 sex offender. And other stuff too.

I have to say that once in her office for a little while I started to feel safe again. Having a therapist that I trust has made a world of difference. It is hard to talk there but she's ready to hear anything I have to say, even sobbing if it comes to that which it does, sooner or later.

Its too bad in a way that the only people who can really listen and help me right now are people who are paid to do that but that's how it is and I feel fortunate for that.
B.

 

[zoltin]

To Ken and Jeff,

I'm so glad both of you are here. I have the same problem with asking for help. I have learned that I am worthy of love for WHO I AM rather than what I do. When I experience overpowering emotions I make a phone call and ask someone if I am OK. And I have dumped anger over and over and over and over. . .

I like your idea of grief, Jeff. Grief has been the door inside me that has opened up and allowed a lot out. It was incredibly fearsome when I began opening that door. I needed to cry. So I took time to cry, still do. I used to believe that if I started crying I would lose control and never stop. I have cried in my therapy group, which was a whole new world for me - expressing that grief openly with others. For me, it was necessary to have my hurt witnessed by others. But it comes slowly. I had to build up to that level of trust. My T says that men are told from the time they are 2 that they must not cry. A woman can be a little girl, a maiden, a mother, or a crone. But a man must always be "manly." Bullshit!

My belief is that whatever feeling I am having is HUMAN. It was a horrible thing that was done to me as a little boy. It was natural, given that experience, my genes, and the abusive household I grew up in that I would become alcoholic and drug addicted. The healing began when I risked moving out of isolation. It has been a long slow process and I am not "well." Today I love myself and claim each day as a victory. Healing does happen!!

I wish you the best, my brothers. Please know that my heart reaches to you through the tear I just shed.

Be well,
RickB

 

[crisispoint]

Ken,

I'm glad you can come here. The others have said it so much better than I can. We are all educated that men have to be men, even when we are little boys. I am unlearning all that macho b******t now. There is no shame in reaching out. There is no value in suffering needlessly.

What you went through, well, it hurts. Worse than what was done to me, I can feel how you must've felt as a little boy. I vacillate myself between understanding how no one caught my situation and stopped it, and "why didn't ANYONE (school, my mom, anyone) notice?!" Today, it's easy to find out you felt abused and abandoned. I now see how I isolated myself from everyone, even my Mom who was my best friend (and I'm convinced would've torn my abuser a new a*****e if she even suspected what was going on). I didn't trust anyone. Dammit, I still don't!

It hurts to say, my friend, because I'm realizing it now; there will be hard nights ahead, and many more to come. The good news is that we don't have to go it alone. There are others who care, if we choose to go to them.

We are not alone. We are not to blame. There WILL be better days ahead. There WILL be peace. I know it.

Peace and love, brother. And reach out when you need it.

Scot

 

[Brayton]

I believe that everything is changing all the time. (There are, however, very good reasons why we feel that we or things are fixed and unchangeable.) We were changed by the horrifying things that we experienced. Isn't there some way now to use positive experiences to change in another way?

 

[outis]

It's like I'm trying to see how much pain I can put myself through.

In my experience that is not uncommon. I feel like part of me is deliberately trying to punish me, first for having been abused, now for trying to get well.

You're not the only one to feel that way.

I cannot base my therapy on trying to be nice, polite, and accommodating to everyone.

I feel like I began to make real progress when I reached a similar realization. Someone posted here that the T is not a mind reader and can only work with what I give them. I have to learn to be honest with myself, shedding the lies.

But we tend to think our pain is not important enough to others, or that we are not worthy of an understanding ear.

I fall into a trap like that often. One of the lies I have to work on is that somehow I am less than someone who "suffered more" or that I have less right to heal than someone who "overcame worse abuse."

Isn't there some way now to use positive experiences to change in another way?

I think that's exactly what healing is about. Finding the courage to try again to connect in a healthy way to other human beings, then generalizing from those healthy connections to create a new view of the world. When I can believe in my heart that the world is a good place to live, and life is good to have, I will be healed.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[Leosha]

Ken,

I am sorry that you had such rough night. I hope that those nights will be few. I understand how difficult it can be, to try to reach out at the time when you need it most. I still struggle much with that, but it gets some better, I am learning more, and realizing more what I need to do when I need to do it. I can not always do it, but at least I can be aware of it more. I hope that you can do that also, and reach out to safe people to help. I wish you luck, always.

Your friend,
leosha

 

[FlyWM]

I am sorry you had such a hard time, and am sorry you couldn't reach out at the time. I know this feeling well, and you are right, it is something to work at, something to try to change, it is very hard to reach out when we most need to, but in time perhaps it will become easier. I know I have worked at trying to realize more when I need to reach out, and will continue to do so, and I hope you do as well.

Scott