Cracks in the facade
Hi all. Ive been at the beach since Saturday and having the most glorious time every day. Each night however, has been a different story. The nights havent been bad, but carefree has not been part of the program.
My brother, his wife, the kids and 2 of their friends, my father and his girlfriend all came to the house on Sunday and we spent several hours at the beach and then had a bbq. We had so much fun, especially my b/f who spent much of the afternoon swimming and finding seashells with my 8 year old nephew, who he adores. Last night, we were sitting on the deck with the tiki torches lit just relaxing. It was a very beautiful setting but my b/f got sad. He started talking about the differences between my family and his and how it was just so weird for him to see, much less understand. I told him it sure seemed like he was enjoying himself and he assured me that he was but that when the kids were around, he was even more hyper vigilant than usual, especially with the little guy. I asked him why that was and he told me that Sean reminded him of himself at that age - so innocent. What a wonderful admission for me to hear him make. Almost the moment he said this, his mind took it back, but too late - it was out there. Im actually pretty proud of myself and how I handled things last night. Each of his arguments to me of how grown up he was was met by me with an even more compelling argument of how grown up he was NOT. He said that he always acted older than he was, therefore, some of what happened was his fault. OK, I said, so you were six trying to act older - that would make you what? 8?! Every kid always wants to be more grown up then they are, but even the most mature child is still a child without the life experience, knowledge, maturity or wherewithal to be anything else; its the adults around them who bear the responsibility of nurturing, teaching and protecting. I then called his attention to the fact of my nieces friend who was here on Sunday. Ive known this little girl since she was about 6; she is now 13. She is gorgeous and has the body of an 18 year old but she is 13 and acts every bit the silly teenage girl that she is. My b/f was blown away. He knew my niece was only 13, but somehow didnt make the connection that her friend would be the same age because of the way she looked. I asked him if he thought it would be OK for an adult to take advantage of her just because she looked older. Of course not, he said, shes just a kid! Such a simple concept right? But not one that he can understand and relate to himself, but it made him think and then it made him cry. Point made. It doesnt matter how old you look or try to act - youre a child. I think he got it, if only for a few minutes.
He has such a difficult time admitting that it doesnt make sense to look back at the boy him with his man mind but little bits of understanding are creeping in. I can see how difficult this is for him; hes hurting so badly thinking of the child, not the man. I see that hurt and understand a little bit why he protects himself so intensely. The crack has been made and if things keep moving forward, as I believe they will, it will not be re-sealed. This perhaps means more pain as the understanding and magnitude of what happened to HIM takes hold, but it will also mean he can heal the wound. This is hard for me to watch; I cant even imagine how hard it is for him.
Theres so much more, but thats the super important one.
I have the day to myself today because he had to go to north jersey for work meetings. The poor baby will bake and I will enjoy the healing sea breezes but hell be back early this evening and I cant wait to see him.
ROCK ONTrish
My brother, his wife, the kids and 2 of their friends, my father and his girlfriend all came to the house on Sunday and we spent several hours at the beach and then had a bbq. We had so much fun, especially my b/f who spent much of the afternoon swimming and finding seashells with my 8 year old nephew, who he adores. Last night, we were sitting on the deck with the tiki torches lit just relaxing. It was a very beautiful setting but my b/f got sad. He started talking about the differences between my family and his and how it was just so weird for him to see, much less understand. I told him it sure seemed like he was enjoying himself and he assured me that he was but that when the kids were around, he was even more hyper vigilant than usual, especially with the little guy. I asked him why that was and he told me that Sean reminded him of himself at that age - so innocent. What a wonderful admission for me to hear him make. Almost the moment he said this, his mind took it back, but too late - it was out there. Im actually pretty proud of myself and how I handled things last night. Each of his arguments to me of how grown up he was was met by me with an even more compelling argument of how grown up he was NOT. He said that he always acted older than he was, therefore, some of what happened was his fault. OK, I said, so you were six trying to act older - that would make you what? 8?! Every kid always wants to be more grown up then they are, but even the most mature child is still a child without the life experience, knowledge, maturity or wherewithal to be anything else; its the adults around them who bear the responsibility of nurturing, teaching and protecting. I then called his attention to the fact of my nieces friend who was here on Sunday. Ive known this little girl since she was about 6; she is now 13. She is gorgeous and has the body of an 18 year old but she is 13 and acts every bit the silly teenage girl that she is. My b/f was blown away. He knew my niece was only 13, but somehow didnt make the connection that her friend would be the same age because of the way she looked. I asked him if he thought it would be OK for an adult to take advantage of her just because she looked older. Of course not, he said, shes just a kid! Such a simple concept right? But not one that he can understand and relate to himself, but it made him think and then it made him cry. Point made. It doesnt matter how old you look or try to act - youre a child. I think he got it, if only for a few minutes.
He has such a difficult time admitting that it doesnt make sense to look back at the boy him with his man mind but little bits of understanding are creeping in. I can see how difficult this is for him; hes hurting so badly thinking of the child, not the man. I see that hurt and understand a little bit why he protects himself so intensely. The crack has been made and if things keep moving forward, as I believe they will, it will not be re-sealed. This perhaps means more pain as the understanding and magnitude of what happened to HIM takes hold, but it will also mean he can heal the wound. This is hard for me to watch; I cant even imagine how hard it is for him.
Theres so much more, but thats the super important one.
I have the day to myself today because he had to go to north jersey for work meetings. The poor baby will bake and I will enjoy the healing sea breezes but hell be back early this evening and I cant wait to see him.
ROCK ONTrish