Countering Self-Criticism - with Love

[MO-Survivor]

I read 1 John 3: 18-24 this morning as a part of my daily reading. This is so pertinent to where I’ve been the last couple of weeks. The last two weeks my T and I have talked about my younger teen / early 20’s self. And I’ve expressed plenty of anger both in and at (as my adult self) that kid. We are working thru that, trying to give him a voice and find empathy and compassion for him. I found that sad, lonely, angry, and depressing feelings are readily accessible when opening myself up to what that teen kid felt. And I was down and depressed for several days.

Then… I talked to my good friend, the one I met when I was 18. The one who, along with his wife, showed me unconditional love, affection, and a place to belong. I had messaged him what I was feeling earlier in the week. He told me he was surprised that I said I look back at that teen self with anger and a desire to ignore him. He said, “Because I knew that kid. And I loved, forgave, and had compassion towards him.” I said, “I know… you did.” And I talked a bit more about why I felt like I did.

When we were done talking, those feelings of depression and sadness just fell off me completely. I realized just how significant those friends are to me - especially to that 18 - 20-something kid / young man. So while the scripture below is true about God’s love directly for us, it also explains why John goes to such lengths to encourage us to love each other in the same way. You and I really do have the ability to rescue those in need, by loving them in this way. But for many of us here, we may first have to receive that kind of love to be able to then share it back. And that’s one of my most frequent prayers - that those who come here would get to experience that kind of love - that frees us from “debilitating self-criticism” and from “our worried hearts.” Those who are able to love and have shown it to me - thank you too! May we always strive to pass it on to others.

1 John 3 (The Message)
18-20 My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

21-24 And friends, once that’s taken care of and we’re no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we’re bold and free before God! We’re able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we’re doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God’s command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.

 

[Samson360]

Thank you so much for this post. Daily I find myself telling myself how worthless I am and how much I hate myself. At 53 years old the words of my father as a little boy, still stir in my mind today. I do have a wonderful and loving church family and I also dedicate myself to volunteering at a local ministry were I am able to get out of myself and help others that are less fortunate. My mother instilled in me to always be willing to help anyone that was in need and I have tried to do that all my life. To love everyone without judgment whatsoever. But I'm lost as to why I hate myself so much. Aside from my father's verbal abuse and being molested at a very young age and becoming disabled and losing my vision, my mother and my swim coach at the blind school hammered into me to not let my disabilities ever get in the way of living life to the fullest. And I haven't except for the severe depression I fall into sometimes. I just wish I could put those negative words that my father put in me out of my mind once and for all and just realize that I have a father in heaven completely unconditionally loves me and then maybe I could start loving myself.

 

[Visitor]

One of the statements often repeated in the 12 Step fellowship I've been part of for almost thirteen years is "We'll love you until you love yourself." Like the steady drip of water falling on a rock, this refrain and the caring that comes with it has slowly been changing me. When I started a new meeting two years ago with the title "Childhood Trauma and Its Impact" I wrote a line in the Closing that I've used here on occasion... Self-compassion is the antidote to shame and self-care a confirmation that we are worthy, lovable, cherished. Yes, trauma survivors invariably feel worthless and marinate in shame. The verses you quote speak to the solution offered in the form of God's love. That is important to remember for all of us, whether that particular God is the one we call our Higher Power. Compassion and self-care are essential to healing.

 

[I'm Alive]

I read 1 John 3: 18-24 this morning as a part of my daily reading. This is so pertinent to where I’ve been the last couple of weeks. The last two weeks my T and I have talked about my younger teen / early 20’s self. And I’ve expressed plenty of anger both in and at (as my adult self) that kid. We are working thru that, trying to give him a voice and find empathy and compassion for him. I found that sad, lonely, angry, and depressing feelings are readily accessible when opening myself up to what that teen kid felt. And I was down and depressed for several days.

Then… I talked to my good friend, the one I met when I was 18. The one who, along with his wife, showed me unconditional love, affection, and a place to belong. I had messaged him what I was feeling earlier in the week. He told me he was surprised that I said I look back at that teen self with anger and a desire to ignore him. He said, “Because I knew that kid. And I loved, forgave, and had compassion towards him.” I said, “I know… you did.” And I talked a bit more about why I felt like I did.

When we were done talking, those feelings of depression and sadness just fell off me completely. I realized just how significant those friends are to me - especially to that 18 - 20-something kid / young man. So while the scripture below is true about God’s love directly for us, it also explains why John goes to such lengths to encourage us to love each other in the same way. You and I really do have the ability to rescue those in need, by loving them in this way. But for many of us here, we may first have to receive that kind of love to be able to then share it back. And that’s one of my most frequent prayers - that those who come here would get to experience that kind of love - that frees us from “debilitating self-criticism” and from “our worried hearts.” Those who are able to love and have shown it to me - thank you too! May we always strive to pass it on to others.

1 John 3 (The Message)
18-20 My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

21-24 And friends, once that’s taken care of and we’re no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we’re bold and free before God! We’re able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we’re doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God’s command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.

Thank you for these beautiful, true words!
Romans 8:31 "...If God is for us, who can be against us?" We can - we can be against ourselves. However, when we do so, we are believing the lies that were taught to us explicitly and/or implicitly when we were raped, abused, molested, neglected as young, impressionable children. We learned that we were not loved and therefore deemed ourselves not worthy of love. It all sounds, in a way, kind of corny but it is devastatingly true that many "survivors" have such a self image... I, at the age of 69, am only now coming to the realization of just how ashamed of myself that I am. I feel that others despise me and look down upon me in disgust and hold me in disdain.... but as my T explained to me, even if that were true, it would have little impact on me if I did not think and feel those things about myself.
So, I know with my head - due to my sincere faith - that God loves me - but I am just learning (I feel) to really believe that in my heart... to know that God loves me - then who am I not to love myself and, in turn, to love God - and people.

 

[MO-Survivor]

Thank you @Samson360, @Visitor, and @I'm Alive for responding thoughtfully to this post. I just wanted to say that all three of you are visibly putting this into practice when you interact with others here, hoping to encourage them, helping them see and know they aren't alone, helping them understand what they are experiencing is normal, and giving them a place here to belong!

 

[.aseity]

Really feeling the relativity of this thread and each comment.

I still don't know how to be comfortable or happy with my life now, as I remained true through so much horror that I am basically stronger than that which sought to destroy me; however I can not rest as I know there are so many hurting right now.. as I have hurt and seen others hurt before, and for thousands of years before us, I see no end to the war man has with himself. Seldom brief moments of relief, and back to the push and pull.

The answers seem to all be true, but time enough to ask all the right questions?

If flooding the world wasn't enough, to what end do we persevere?

I have a hard time to accept that there is nothing I can do to save those who are hurting now as I have hurt. I can't feel healed as I hear cries in my mind. My moments of peace are shrouded in guilt and shame. I am torn apart and my family is affected by this as well. They would be so much better off with a man who could easily do everything to give them the comfortable life they deserve, but also they deserve a husband and father who is not so torn apart. Or is this too just a test for them and their human experience? To live so close to such a broken man that they could not possibly hope to understand. I do my best to be here and be whole, but I just don't know.

I really appreciated this thread and the discussion taken place. It's so on point with what I face. I'll try my best to go to sleep now. Get some rest and hope it works out.

I wish the world wasn't hurting so badly, looking at how badly the world hurts today, leads back to the past hurts that have been washed away.

My voice alone can be so loud in the silence.

My voice is not alone. My voice is lost in the crowd. My voice is blended into the infrasound. The roar of all life is so loud. I do not know what to say, other than I am here and will do whatever I must, but I feel direction less to follow the lead of this world's obvious self destructive ways and I fear I am just the same.

Going with the flow seems to be the easiest way, opposition quite the fight, I would hope to band together and live a life, but the way we're moving doesn't feel right, and no one knows how to lead the way out of this corrupted network. Seems like everyone is capable of being lured into demise, and by time we wake up, we are too weak to do much.

I am feeling disgrace as an uncomfortable "I told you so" to mankind as we turn back to grace again and again.

This day and age does not seem to support a healthy moral living, and if it can be obtained, it is incredibly selfish.

The ideals of man to play god has locked us all in turmoil for ages and ages. Just ride it out like everyone else I suppose.

 

[MO-Survivor]

@.aseity - thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think what you wrote is an apt description of the human condition throughout all time. Yes, there are those who were spared from most hurts and evils of the world growing up, and because of that - they have a capacity to give away to others more consistently than those of us who suffer from recurrent pain due to past wounds. However, those who were spared have less ability to empathize with the depth as we do, and we have less ability to consistently be a stable, giving presence for those we love. So to pull that together: every person lives with pain and suffering, and we all have the ability to give to and support others with love, grace, mercy, and understanding - but to different depths. And at the same time, our ability to give to and support others waxes and wanes day-to-day, and is impacted by the depth of our past pain and suffering.

I thought about the book of Lamentations in the Bible while I was reading your post. It is thought Jeremiah wrote Lamentations, and we get a view into his heart while he ponders on the condition of humanity and his feelings of meaninglessness within that context.

All that said, I think we have to do exactly what you describe: build relationships as best we can, and within those relationships - aim to love others, encourage them, and speak life into them while being open to receiving the same. Some days we will be givers, some days we will be receivers, some days we will be both. Like you, I wish and long for the day when we don't experience the roller coaster - but I believe we will always be on the ride as we live out this life.

 

[.aseity]

@MO-Survivor your comment has served as a firm hand on my shoulder today as I hang my head very low.

I picked up a bible for the first time in a long while and I opened it to Lamentations and I read it only once but very slowly.

There was much I had to think about as I read the 5 pages. It's was much to grapple. The story is old but it goes on.

I found myself able to connect with many horrors in the story and the questions there in.

I was only off put by his vengeful prayers. I feel that have not allowed my heart to give into vengeance and fear ever doing so.

I really appreciate that you guided me to this chapter and also your personal writing to me was very helpful.

Much love, johnathan

 

[MO-Survivor]

@MO-Survivor your comment has served as a firm hand on my shoulder today as I hang my head very low.

I picked up a bible for the first time in a long while and I opened it to Lamentations and I read it only once but very slowly.

There was much I had to think about as I read the 5 pages. It's was much to grapple. The story is old but it goes on.

I found myself able to connect with many horrors in the story and the questions there in.

I was only off put by his vengeful prayers. I feel that have not allowed my heart to give into vengeance and fear ever doing so.

I really appreciate that you guided me to this chapter and also your personal writing to me was very helpful.

Much love, johnathan

Johnathan,

The kudos goes to you for picking up and reading Lamentations! And I agree - Jeremiah was almost to the point of bitterness in what he said in response to his downcast despair - and I hope neither you or I (or anyone else) gets to despair to the point of vengeance as you say. Although... that is my nature, to want to make peace and not fight. My therapist would probably be happy if I were to experience anger about my abuse to the point of vengeance as she still feels there may be lingering anger and rage that I can't pull out from within the depths of myself - and it gets in the way of my healing. I told her last week that perhaps, since my abuse started so young (3, I believe) and went on for 9 years, that maybe I didn't build anger within me the same way as someone would being first abused at 9, 10, 11, 12, etc. Living with my abuser daily would have to dull any anger or rage in order to live out the rest of life in the way my young-self wanted to (being compliant, doing well in school, etc.).

So much to think about. I appreciate your deep thoughts and the emotions you share when you write!

 

[Darren White]

I told her last week that perhaps, since my abuse started so young (3, I believe) and went on for 9 years, that maybe I didn't build anger within me the same way as someone would being first abused at 9, 10, 11, 12, etc. Living with my abuser daily would have to dull any anger or rage in order to live out the rest of life

I think that's true. At least for me it is the same. Starting very young on a daily base causes a different development. Not only not recognising abuse as such, but also negating any kinds of negative thoughts, pushing those back for many years.
And anger was a true no-no a thing I only recently discovered I am I the possession of ...

 

[.aseity]

You open up so much space for healings. I relate much to how you described anger being turned off at an early age and not having an outlet. Further, I see how there are many who are capable of rational anger, where as my anger can be irrational and very unrecognizable being as it must stem to very early childhood and was snuffed out.

There was another key point in Lamentations that made me feel rather sickened as I read.

"Not a king in all the earth---
no one in all the world---
would have believed that an enemy could march through the gates of Jerusalem.

Yet it happened because of the sins of her prophets and the sins of her priests, who defiled the city by shedding innocent blood.

They wandered blindly through the streets, so defiled by blood that no one dared touch them.

''Get away!'' the people shouted at them.
''You're defiled? Don't touch us!''
So they fled to distant lands and wandered among foreign nations, but none would let them stay. "


I couldn't help but read it and it stuck to me like sap. Thinking to myself, how they rape and kill and ritualized, got away from the ugly torment brought upon the city, and how much the world has changed since then to now, and how secretive these circles of wicked beings seem to survive forever.

 

[MO-Survivor]

I think that's true. At least for me it is the same. Starting very young on a daily base causes a different development. Not only not recognising abuse as such, but also negating any kinds of negative thoughts, pushing those back for many years.
And anger was a true no-no a thing I only recently discovered I am I the possession of ...

Yep. Thanks for the confirmation, Darren. I've also said that I won't deal with whatever is there until my dad dies. It's weird to be able to consciously think through something but also realize I have no control over that decision. It lives so deep in me. So yeah - I'll likely be a basket case when that day comes.

 

[MO-Survivor]

You open up so much space for healings. I relate much to how you described anger being turned off at an early age and not having an outlet. Further, I see how there are many who are capable of rational anger, where as my anger can be irrational and very unrecognizable being as it must stem to very early childhood and was snuffed out.

There was another key point in Lamentations that made me feel rather sickened as I read.

"Not a king in all the earth---
no one in all the world---
would have believed that an enemy could march through the gates of Jerusalem.

Yet it happened because of the sins of her prophets and the sins of her priests, who defiled the city by shedding innocent blood.

They wandered blindly through the streets, so defiled by blood that no one dared touch them.

''Get away!'' the people shouted at them.
''You're defiled? Don't touch us!
So they fled to distant lands and wandered among foreign nations, but none would let them stay. "


I couldn't help but read it and it stuck to me like sap. Thinking to myself, how they rape and kill and ritualized, got away from the ugly torment brought upon the city, and how much the world has changed since then to now, and how secretive these circles of wicked beings seem to survive forever.

By the way, Johnathan... much love back to you my friend. I didn't say that in my last message but meant to.

This site - and those here - all have the capacity to open up space for healing. I have had so many meaningful, deep interactions since being here - some I never would have expected at all. So thank you and all others for making me a better person by allowing me to reflect on so many things I never could before. Because... I was all alone (and knew no other man who had lived through CSA).

Most people in the Bible come across as real to me. Some are idealized and can be hard to relate to. But others... so relateable. The best thing about the narrative is that, yes... "these circles of wicked beings seem to survive forever." However... they will not always survive. There will be a time when their time will end, while ours lives will live on in a completely different place where we won't see the endless repitition of wickedness prospering at the expense of others.

 

[.aseity]

This site - and those here - all have the capacity to open up space for healing. I have had so many meaningful, deep interactions since being here - some I never would have expected at all. So thank you and all others for making me a better person by allowing me to reflect on so many things I never could before. Because... I was all alone (and knew no other man who had lived through CSA).

It's often hard to emulate this expression while also submitting to the pain that must be felt in turn as we write to release. It's been my privilege to read more than it has been to write. As you said, I was all alone, and for me the first man I opened up to about my childhood abuse exposed me to much more sexual abuse whether he intended to or not. Since then, all of the hardship and confusion that lead me to Male Survivor never made sense to me, but I find myself in this place with so much knowledge and wisdom and real men who I can not possibly thank enough for their guidance, inspiration, insight, support and so much more. I will always have more love trapped inside my heart than I can show or see.

 

[MO-Survivor]

It's often hard to emulate this expression while also submitting to the pain that must be felt in turn as we write to release. It's been my privilege to read more than it has been to write. As you said, I was all alone, and for me the first man I opened up to about my childhood abuse exposed me to much more sexual abuse whether he intended to or not. Since then, all of the hardship and confusion that lead me to Male Survivor never made sense to me, but I find myself in this place with so much knowledge and wisdom and real men who I can not possibly thank enough for their guidance, inspiration, insight, support and so much more. I will always have more love trapped inside my heart than I can show or see.

I agree 100%. Thanks! And sometimes, yes - I would love it if my heart could just break open and spill out all the thanks and love that are there so others could soak it in. But alas... it's hard to do in words.

 

[.aseity]

Earlier when you mention the emotions I share when I write. It struck me because I do not feel these emotions, but I can hone in on them through writing and attempt to define myself. I have huge expectations to unlock and appreciate emotions in my future.

 

[MO-Survivor]

Earlier when you mention the emotions I share when I write. It struck me because I do not feel these emotions, but I can hone in on them through writing and attempt to define myself. I have huge expectations to unlock and appreciate emotions in my future.

Ahhh... yes. The recognizing emotions but not feeling them problem. It's like being a kid with a helium balloon and being excited, only to see it shrivel up and sink as the helium inevitably leaks out. That's what recognizing emotions (or what we should be feeling) but not actually feeling them is like to me. I've talked a good bit with my T about this within the context of my kids. They will come and just want a hug or to be held - and I really, really want to feel the love I convey when I respond - but I don't always feel it. It's deflating...

 

[.aseity]

Wow, yes it is all too relevant when it comes to family. It will be (in my situation) like being in 2 places at once. I really want to be here with these emotions intact, but the appropriate emotions for my family are still quite entangled with some very, very horrid trauma so I ultimately can't access emotions in subconscious control to protect those I love . However the case, those emotions will come up when called upon, especially when it comes to having to validate a relationship. I have a reoccurring conversation with my wife every few months of how it appears to her that I only pretend to love her. Very difficult on my end to be at fault for unintentionally dismissing her emotional needs, and her need to understand has lead me to owning up to my past, some of which became necessary to share with her. She sadly received my broken heart, but also my enduring commitment, stale as it may be time to time.

 

[MO-Survivor]

"... I only pretend to love her." Yes - that's what it feels like with my kids. Thankfully they don't feel that from me. And, of course, I think there are other times they and I do feel that love. So in the moments where I'm not feeling it like I want to - I'm sure the other times supercede in their minds and they don't doubt my heartfelt love.

It's good that you were led to "own up to your past." I will say - that phrase sounds too judgemental to me. Because at that time, I'm sure it wasn't something you felt you could change or be any differently. But now... yes... you can hopefully see yourself start to free some of those feelings and know they are safe in the present moments you are in.

 

[.aseity]

of course, I think there are other times they and I do feel that love. So in the moments where I'm not feeling it like I want to - I'm sure the other times supercede in their minds and they don't doubt my heartfelt love.

It becomes a part of me that sadly is tucked away into tight protection just like the abuse memories. I very much rely of trigger network to activate my memory and it's like the random calling of bingo balls. Gorgeous memories that moved me to tears such as marriage where I am seen just streaming with tears, and childbirth when nothing outside the delivery room mattered to me when I head my son cry for the first time. I can remember those events when reminded but it takes something consciously triggering to place the emotions into the memories.

Where as my abuse memories are more prone to reciprocating emotions without me being aware most of the time such as intense fear and so forth.. I uphold a grand veil around my abuse and filter it out to much exhaustion.

That as you say, I live on as a memory much more heartfelt and pure in the minds of my loved ones, as to how I know myself.

It's good that you were led to "own up to your past." I will say - that phrase sounds too judgemental to me. Because at that time, I'm sure it wasn't something you felt you could change or be any differently. But now... yes... you can hopefully see yourself start to free some of those feelings and know they are safe in the present moments you are in.

Yes, rubbing the back of my neck and awkwardly nodding my head because it is indeed too judgemental of myself. There is much in my life that was without a doubt pure abuse, but as I got older and started to take on more accountability and made attempts at autonomy, I made many grave mistakes that cause due suffering.
**Trigger warning**
My most prime example is the night I accepted an 800mg Seroquel pill and I was raped and I fell on my head moments after I regained control of my bodily functions. The consequences of saying yes, I was screaming "NO!" to myself over and over in my head and I looked my rapist in the eyes as I took the pill from his fingertips and it became my fault, as much as I debate the given facts of my situation and everything up to that night that conditioned me to want the abuse.... I now have been suffering a never ending injury from that night, and it's really just as much my fault as it was that guy's responsibility to not share his medication with a young teen and then rape and abandon me... The frustrations are my own and the poor health I am in is my own, and it is as my younger self was willingly robbing my livelihood for any future and I live against his mistake to be here and "pretend" as much as I can.

Sorry that went dark *trigger end*

I am certainly making strides to recovery, especially since joining MS I have made effort and achieved doctor appointment for my physical health and I even scheduled a therapy appointment in January to begin something I never thought I would do. Haha