Could use some feedback
PhoenixRising
Registrant
I have been in recovery for over 20 years. When I started I was naive; naive about myself also. I could talk somewhat with my therapist, but I never mentioned that I started going online for sex, and was having random encounters with men.
This would get worse when I was anxious. I would go to place like gay.com or also seek punishment in places like Spankthis, where I could fantasize about being spanked. (I don't even know where this comes from).
This continued for many years and as the years went on I really struggled. Struggled with work. Was unable to have a real relationship outside of these encounters. I never really could talk about them because it felt so important to hold on to them. I told some people parts but at the time wasn't really able to let go of what I was doing. This has continued to the present day, only stopping recently as I have hit another rough spot. Thats when it all stops. So what am I doing and why do I continue? I dont like this behavior. In many ways it held me back from healing, but it seems to have been important to me for some reason I dont know. What do I do to change? I am at a point in my life where I have realized..I am not going to have a family, I will be lucky to keep the job I have now which allows me just enough money to get by, and because of my life track, I will have to rely on Medicaid or Medicare to care for me. I want to live my last years in peace and dont want this to be a part of them.
So what happened? Why did I feel the need to keep this secret? Why as this so important to hold on to. It never felt good..it just was one way I could get a sensation. A feeling. A connection. I would feel shame after.
Its really important to me that I don't beat myself up for this behavior, but own it. In hindsight, I'd go back and tell my first therapist exactly what was going on. I think I wanted him to like me. I wanted everyone to like me actually..and sex seemed so wrong to me. I never really talked about it because it seemed so important to keep a secret.
Is this so odd for a survivor? I feel very ashamed for what I have done and dont know how to forgive myself for what I did. I did want sex. I just didnt know how to get in a better way.
This would get worse when I was anxious. I would go to place like gay.com or also seek punishment in places like Spankthis, where I could fantasize about being spanked. (I don't even know where this comes from).
This continued for many years and as the years went on I really struggled. Struggled with work. Was unable to have a real relationship outside of these encounters. I never really could talk about them because it felt so important to hold on to them. I told some people parts but at the time wasn't really able to let go of what I was doing. This has continued to the present day, only stopping recently as I have hit another rough spot. Thats when it all stops. So what am I doing and why do I continue? I dont like this behavior. In many ways it held me back from healing, but it seems to have been important to me for some reason I dont know. What do I do to change? I am at a point in my life where I have realized..I am not going to have a family, I will be lucky to keep the job I have now which allows me just enough money to get by, and because of my life track, I will have to rely on Medicaid or Medicare to care for me. I want to live my last years in peace and dont want this to be a part of them.
So what happened? Why did I feel the need to keep this secret? Why as this so important to hold on to. It never felt good..it just was one way I could get a sensation. A feeling. A connection. I would feel shame after.
Its really important to me that I don't beat myself up for this behavior, but own it. In hindsight, I'd go back and tell my first therapist exactly what was going on. I think I wanted him to like me. I wanted everyone to like me actually..and sex seemed so wrong to me. I never really talked about it because it seemed so important to keep a secret.
Is this so odd for a survivor? I feel very ashamed for what I have done and dont know how to forgive myself for what I did. I did want sex. I just didnt know how to get in a better way.
