Could Someone Please Explain

Could Someone Please Explain
A

alexey

Registrant
Hi

I post the following on this board because I really want to hear opinions of both women and men. I have already posted the thread on the unmoderated forum, and roadrunner, Larry, gave me what I think I needed. He assured me that what my mother has done is inappropriate. I, however, don't understand, or I try to figure out how to deal with, the fact that my parents think I don't respect them, and I think that my mother is acting out, and makes me scared.

Triggering:

"First of all, I live with my brother, and mother has come to us from another city, and I don't know for how long she will stay with here. We had visited our grandfather, who is the father of mom, and she has drank with the grandfather. My brother and I has left them for two hours, and she asked us to come and take her to our home. When we arrived I saw that she was drunk, and my grandfather was so drunk that he could not see anything. Then I saw how my mom started to make sexual liasons with the granddad.

I did not know what to do, but it was emotionally unbearable. I saw an awful thing.

This triggered me. So I have remembered how she walked topless in our appartment when I was maybe 12 years old. There was my aunt, and she said, "There are children! What are you doing?" Mother replied that we were adjusted to it, but that was a lie. I had never seen her behaving like this before.

There were other incidents. Once she forced me to put my pants off and started to investigate my genitals. She said it was for my own sake. She's a physician, and although it was unpleasant and shameful, I have never returned to this event while talking to her.

I have lived with this all my life, but now I think I realize that it could badly influence me. It was abuse, I am sure. I was extremely not comfortable.

There are more examples that I can talk about. She, for instance, can walk nude after taking a shower even in her forties, and occasionally I saw her. She did it when I was in highschool too.

Sometimes I feel very uncomfortable around her. I feel like being in a dangerous place, and I don't know what I can do to stop this. It's shameful that she acts like a woman, not a mother, in my presense.

I suppose that what she did influenced me. Right now I do not feel that I completely own my body, and there is a strong feeling that my intimacy has been damaged.

I feel a relief when I think some of you will read this. When I write about my mother's behavior, I can feel the real ME, and I get free of the many images of different ME that I frequently keep in mind. I hope I'll be feeling comfortable when she will leave."

I understand she needs help, and I actually tried to listen to her, and give her an advice. She has her own deep feelings, and probably she was abused herself (by my dad, for sure). She does not want to contact a psychoterapist; she said she distrusted them. What I cannot understand is why I should become an untisocial person, screaming at her and treating her badly sometimes. She tells everyone that I don't respect the parents; she tells her friends, relatives, my dad, and my brother. What can be done? I wouldn't be antisocial to her if she didn't harmed my body boundaries, and my personal boundaries.

Alexey
 
Guys, I have thought about this life with an acting out family member, and now it is clear to me that it is pretty difficult. I have read the women's stories on Family and Friends, and I can really relate to the feeling arising from trying to lead a normal life with one who is as disturbed as my mother.

Larry rightly said that she needs a professional help. Moreover, I would add that there is a problem of the relationship I have. It maybe that this is a two survivors relationship.

I wonder how a woman can live with a survivor who is acting out, abusing substance, too emotional or judging. It is the situation where the trust is really earned, and the lack of trust can just break the relationship. Probably the woman simply wouldn't live with such a man/woman.

I think now that what I experience with my mom is a piece of my life, first of all. She is a survior of emotional, physical, and maybe sexual abuse, and it is very uneasy to live with her. I mean it is very difficult to trust and believe her because she can give a reason to avoid any communication with her. The same is applicable to me. All people can have the trust being lost in a relationship, and it is especially true with the survivor. To me personally, any sign of a sexual behavior that seems inappropriate is indicating of danger. Also I could push people away from me and just don't allow the trust to emerge.

In a word, I realize that anyone who is living with a SA survivor caries a burden.

Alexey
 
Alexey,

These are two very powerful posts from you.

The things your mother did were wrong, and inappropriate. She should have protected you, honored your boundaries, given you space to learn and develop sexuality on your own.

I'm sure that she does need help-- the way that she does these inappropriate things with others around (like your aunt when you were a boy, and now you and your brother) makes me wonder if she is acting out because some part of her does want to communicate that she is damaged and hurting. But YOU are not, and never were, responsible for making sure that your mother takes care of herself and gets her emotional needs met. Parents are supposed to do that for children. It is not a two-way street.

A lot of what you say about survivor relationships is true. At some point, the lack of trust, acting out, addictions, emotional abuse, etc. become too much and people end the relationships to preserve their own health. It may be that you need to end or at least have more control over your relationship with your mother. Your job is to take care of YOU in this situation, not to take care of her.

I hope you're doing well today.
SAR
 
Alexey

Living with a survivor can sometimes be a burden BUT if they are aware of, and acknowledge the difficulties they are having and are trying to get support to help themselves then it can also be very beautiful and very inspirational, especially when you both see the rewards.

I agree very much with Sar in that you have the right to take control over your relationship with your mother. She has problems and it seems as though you know which of her behaviours upset or trigger you, if she is unable to draw up appropriate boundaries then I hope you can find the courage to draw them for her. If she is unable or unwilling to stick to your boundaries, maybe no drinking, not staying over at your house, no nakendness etc... then you have the right not to see her, or anyone else who doesn't respect your right to peace, for your own sake.

You sound a very compassionate man and I hope you can use some of that compassion for Alexey. He deserves it.

Thinking of you

Tracy
 
I have felt after reading the reply that I could be a normal man. It is sad that I was feeling better when I lived alone, and I quit smoking, and was achieving the results of what I did as a student. My mother forced me, or I would say suggested to me, that it would be good that I stayed under her control, at home. She did not, and I repeat, did not support my intention to study abroad, although I was already admitted. I listened to her, and I don't know why. She persuaded me that it was for my own sake. She again and again pesuades me.

I also remember how she was pushing away my girlfriend in highschool, and she got what she wanted. I finally did what my mother said, and my girlfriend went from me.

It is difficult, though, to control the situation. It has been difficult. I tried to do that, but in response I had something like, "You love only yourself. I am not happy. You are a bad person." It is awful. I realize that she literally did all she could to keep me under her control all the time.

She doesn't respect my privacy while staying with us, my brother and me. She controls my brother, although he is 19. Late walks, study, friends are the point to either scream at him or critisize him.

It's often the case that what she says is best for me turns out to be the dark, lack of opportunities that I created by myself, very few relationships, and sadness. I live with the idea that what I do is wrong and senseless, and without future. However, what I did in the last three years was my real achievements that she just destroys. I has been listening to her. I try to fight this. She is 44, but there is a mess around her every time, especially when she gets drunk. It is difficult to feel as a real person who have certain needs, and who deserves something good. I do feel that I will struggle to have my needs met. It is hard though. I am dependent on her. I don't know what exactly I should do.

Thanks, SAR.

Alexey
 
Alexey

I think you are normal, normal with a painful legacy to carry about with you and unhealthy people in your life that don't help you.

If cutting out those unhealthy people and focusing on your own healing is what you need to do, I hope very much that you can find the strength to achieve this.

Healing seems to be a difficult and painful process but worth it! I hope you don't let anyone distract you from living the life you envisage for yourself.

Peace

Tracy
 
Thank you very much, Tracy.

I indeed can be easily distracted by those who have their interests in controlling me. I mean those people who are supposed to be close to you don't try to encourage me in what I normally do.

There is another problem that you see the difficulties, and are afraid sometimes. In that times the help is very valuable, but you don't get it.

It is very hard to heal, yes. I have lived by myself, and being distanced from both of my parents, I could see how rigid-minded they were. They abandoned me in a sense. I always felt much stronger alone.

Today I have confronted my mother. I said she should have behaved herself. I said she is a guest here. It is absolutely true as she has her own place to live with my father. I was screaming at her because I DO NOT like what she does, and how she behaves at our home. No drinking and being drunk, no lies behind my back about my brother and me. She does say the bad things about what bad sons we are. Today she has said I was lazy because I don't work, but what about about the fact that you've destroyed my plans. I am not lazy, I worked part-time jobs as a student, and MY choice was to continue to be a student. She just broke it. "It won't do anything for you. You have to earn money. You are a bad person because you scream at me." She just made the situation to be under her control.

Thanks. I hope you are alright too.

Alexey
 
"Quote"

MY choice was to continue to be a student.

Alexey

I'm not sure if you are still a student but if you gave that up at your mothers suggestion, could you try and find a way to go back? Don't give up on your dreams, it sounds as if you are still quite young and you as much as anyone else has an absolute right to live your life as you intend it.

The only thing you "have " to do is be true to yourself.

Very best wishes

Tracy
 
Hi, Tracy,

I am 22. I do not think I have lost a lot, my whole life, or something that I cannot get again. That is a relief that I've felt today. What I have lost is more than a year of study. It's trust to my parents. I don't know if you are a survivor of any kind of abuse or abandonment by anyone close to you, and I do hope you are not. But I've suddenly understood that my parents did not support me when I needed that most of all. It is a very painful feeling. I realize that it was not my fault in that I am unemployed, angry, with a low self-esteem, and emotionally self-destructing. I simply feel that she hurt me, abused her mother's power, was not understanding AT ALL.

Guys, if you know how painful it was to forget about what I thought of for years, and in one day changed my life. I am crying right now because I realize it wasn't my fault.

SAR has said that it is not my business at all to emotionally support an adult parent who is acting out. Guys, I deserve a life as anyone does. Indeed, they should support me because it is not easy to build your OWN house of life. When I said to the mother and father that I have got room, board and full fee-waiver to study, they said, ok, go if you want, but then they said maybe it is a bad idea. You can have all you got here at home. They did not show support. Today I was very emotional after I have talked to my dad, and he agreed I needed my own life. Wow, you did this in the right time... I could not actually realize my dream, guys, because a bit of support from my parents was absent three months ago.

Now I have to share our appartment, my life with my mother, who suggested me to try to "live a real life." These are her words. She always says I do not live a real life. What is real life? Maybe it's seeing her drinking, living in a small town where I cannot even have friends, and find a help, and thinking about how much wrong I did in this life and that the real life is what they think it is? I mean today I realized that I put all my efforts to the edcation, and she just cut off what would be mine, and what I like to do.

It is not my fault. They should have supported me. I did all very well. I am proud of myself. Parents should support the start of life of their children, and they should understand that their children are different from what the parents may think.

Honesty with myself means many things, of course. I can feel that the parents generally want to help me, but it also means I like what I do, and I don't like what my mother does with me. I have strengths, and weak sides, and probably I see a distorted picture of what I can and can't. On the other hand, I have got the educational results that I could see myself, maybe one of the rare things I did well.

I had plenty of time to think about whether I have lost something important, and I repeat I don't think it was so crucial. It is emotionally destructive, though. It is painful.

I think I can restore my self-confidence and try again, and I even think it will be more fun, and I do need support this time. Just a word of approval.

Thank you, Tracy.

Alexey
 
Quote

"It is not my fault. They should have supported me. I did all very well. I am proud of myself. Parents should support the start of life of their children, and they should understand that their children are different from what the parents may think".

Alexey

YES YES and YES again. Keep reminding yourself of thiS even in your darkest moments.

Keep safe and peaceful

Love

Tracy
 
Tracy, what I mostly got from your posts is why a survivor needs to feel he needs help. It is very important.

I would say there is no a general goal of recovery other than realizing that I need help. My parents, my brother, my friends, and you guys are the ones I "have" to ask for help from. I can not live otherwise. All what I do costs nothing if I don't understand I really need your help. Nobody could lead a satisfying life without having his family and friends who helped him. It is surely true for survivor.

What am I thinking about, guys? First thing that I got to learn is that I should be able to ask for help.

My girlfriend taked with me about her relationship with her boyfriend, and how she always wants something from him. I have recently realized that she needs his help, and the help of her friends too. Maybe she doesn't want to admit this. In the same manner. I'll never be able to enjoy the life without the support and understanding. It is so true.

There is a problem that makes a survivor be not completely human, or person. It is his inability to ask for help. It may sound silly, but I am almost sure you know what I'm talking about. It is hard to admit that without the help of those people who hurt me, or seemed to hurt me, I cannot be a man. Even it is true that people ignore you when you don't show you need for help. You become an isolated human being who doesn't know what caring is. Why am I so rigid-minded in this sense? I guess it is a habit, a means of surviving, a legacy of the painful past. Yes, my current life in separate from my past life. It is different in respect to the fact that I know I need you suport. That is the froemost difference. In other words, I shall be able to live a loveable life if I take is as a rule to ask for help. Moreover, it is equally important that I should search for help in EVERY aspect of my life. Every part of my life makes a difficulty to me.

I would repeat again that there is no a clear goal of recovery that I can see except the knwoledge of your deeply inherent need for support.

All I want to say now is that you've been very supportive. SAR, Tracy, you have supported me a lot with your words. Thank you. :)

Alexey
 
All normal people need help. Survivors overexagerate their loneliness and isolation. Moreover, if they started to akcnowlegde their need for help, their friends and family would only feel better. It is bacuse all good people need help.

Alexey
 
Hey alexey, I know what you mean about asking for help.

If you are 22 and she is 44, then you, right now, are the age that your mother was when you were born... you are at a point in your life that was pivotal for her-- to me that seems like a symbol from which you can draw some strength-- you can make this a crucial time in your life also but make different choices and be someone very different in another 22 years.

I know you are ready to take control. You sound ready, I think once you have realized what possibilities are out there for you it's impossible to go back. :)

SAR
 
I've got a bit of courage. I know it's in my strength to be a different person, but I do think about my young parents very often! They were the family in their 22, and I am not married. Maybe the world has changed. Maybe it's the result of rape.

Foremost feeling I have is that my mother tried to be a good person. She has cried saying she's not a good mother. Her mother didn't support her financially, not to say about emotional part. There is one thing I can be better at; help to my children in the future. There should be a step forward in every generation. That's what I think.

Another possibility is my own life-I've-dreamed-of. I have a right to it.

Some thoughts about the need for help. I've tried to recover for maybe several months, and I may scratch the surface here on these forums. However, deep in my heart there is a fear that I'll find it difficult to reach for support from somebody. I think so because I suppose some people just unable to help even though they show a desire to give their hand. When I was a freshman in college, a teacher of English used to ask me in class how I was, what was bothering me, how I felt, etc. You know, what she did could be explained by a couple of bad words I'd not say here. I just couldn't 'open up' emotionally in front of other students. She tormented me. I was feeling SO bad at her classes, and she empowered SO painful emotions in me that I was unable to express that the whole thing left me the feeling of hurt.

Another example is exigirlfriend. I really feel I need to talk about it 'cause it's in the very soul. She reached out for me at first, contacted me, but she was flirtuos, and she had other 'friends' which was confusing. After some time she seemed to 'give me a chance', and was waiting for something good from me, but I was not able to respond, to show my emotions, or to say that I needed her support. Then I stopped to see her. What I got from that relationship was again inability to reach for help, and it seems to be something I don't completely understand to find a person who really can give me a chance to recover.

Thanks for reading. It's late. :) I'll think about your words. They are encouraging.

Thank you SAR.

Alexey
 
Alexey,

I didn't want to barge in here since you were seeking a woman's perspective and input from partners. I'm really glad you are getting that. There is something that is coming up a lot here, however, and I wonder if this will help you.

When I was 11-14 I was being abused on a more or less regular basis, but it was a lot more than just sexual violation. My abuser was a sick expert in humiliating me. He missed no opportunity to make me feel helpless, worthless, and generally bad about myself and "being me". I so remember sitting up at night wishing I wasn't a boy.

In other words, Alexey, he was an expert at shaming. To a child, validation and support are extremely important and any words of blame or rebuke can be devastating. Within a year he got what he wanted: I no longer raised even a word of objection to him and just did whatever he wanted. I was emotionally destroyed.

To a young person who is still feeling their way along in the adult world, tokens of support and love on the one hand, and rejection and hostility on the other, can still be very powerful. That is clear in so much of what you are saying about how your parents have verbally related to you.

What I am getting at here, Alexey, is that you had every right to support and encouragement and did not get it. That so often happens where a young man is not meeting the expectations of his parents, but for what I am talking about that is neither here nor there. You were being shamed and ridiculed when you should have had encouragement and support.

This has stuck with you, as it would to anyone else, and as you can see it has affected your ability to relate to other people. You feel you can't trust them or open up to them. Who would blame you!!??

The point I am driving at is that there is nothing wrong with you as Alexey. These feelings are not you, they have been dumped on you from outside. With some work and some help you will be able to recognize this stuff for the trash it is and get rid of it. This is so often part of what survivors have to do, bro, and I am confidant that you can do this.

Much love,
Larry
 
Do you really think that hese painful emotions that make me see the darkness both inside and outside of me can go? I wonder if I'll ever be able to be a normal man with the painful memory instead of a moron with no future.

Sometimes I feel that what many guys here on MS are talking about is nothing but depressive. I uderstand that these forums are for those who are depressed and seek help, but often it is too much to read this stuff.

The women who replied to me have helped very much. I would like to say, "thank You!"

Maybe I'll feel more easily to be with MS. I think the primary reason why I don't feel easy here is because I fall into the dark feelings while reading what is posted here. In other words, the subject matter often triggers me. I really enjoyed optimistic posts about the good parts of life, and about the pleasures of life, but they are all too rare.

BTW I've noticed that the more I post here and read your posts the more I dig into the recovery issues, and the more I estrange from that life that I dreamed about. It may sound strange, but I really regret I cannot always think of positive things, and enjoy calmness and peace, and the energy... It is sad. I also think that what I do, trying to make sure I don't fall prey to the imperfections of the others who are not able to support, is my real life. However pale it may seem.

Thank you, Larry, for kind words.

Alexey
 
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