Could I have made him feel this way w/o knowing it?

Could I have made him feel this way w/o knowing it?
S

Savannah

Registrant
My husband (we're separated) has just told me that we cannot be together because he felt weak when he was with me. Now that we're separated, he says that he feels strong and able to be himself.

It hurts so much to know that I may have contributed to his pain. We seemed to have the perfect life, at least I did. He was SO giving and understanding. He catered to me and made my life so full. Though I appreciated him in my heart, I don't think I ever showed him.

Now that I'd like to take care of him, he won't let me. What do I do?
 
Savannah,
I don't know all the details of your story. I am assuming that your husband was sexually victimized. Were you the only one who knew?
In my case, I know my husband loves me very much. But he has said he feels like packing up and moving away from me. I think it has to do with the fight or flight response. It would be easier for him to leave then to deal with me knowing his secret. Also, he feels so ashamed and weak. Part of him believes that I would be better off with out him because he feels responsible for my sadness. Even though I try to reassure him I know he still has these feelings. Most likely, your husband leaving is all about him and nothing about you. Try not make your self feel guilty.
 
Savannah,

I'm going to say something here that may sound hurtful, but I don't intend it to be, OK? Please don't take this wrong.

First let me say that I'm a male survivor. When I read your post I could really relate to it from the man's perspective in the relationship. kind of a "ka-ching" moment, you know?

I don't believe there is a "fault" as such to pass out to someone. I would ask you what his relationship with his mother was like. When I was very young until my early teens, my mother was emotionally and physically abusive, domineering, and unsafe.

I'm not saying my wife is that way toward me, but in a way, I picked out someone that filled mom's role in certain ways. Then, because of my own problems, I falsely attributed to her others of my mother's characteristics. That is to say, I related to her as if she was my mother being domineering and unsafe, Things she never really was, but I forced her into that role in a way.

I guess what I'm saying is that the problem you are seeing is a combination of your dysfunction (everyone has them) and his much deeper hurt and dysfunction. They are meshing you together, or apart, in a way that neither of you really understand.

Would he be willing to attend a counseling sessions with you. If you are truly interested in salvaging your marriage I think it would be wise. Be careful to pick someone that is a marriage counselor and not a divorce facilitator.

My wife and I chose the marriage counseling route, and are bumping our way through it successfully, but it takes a lot of hard work.

I wish you good things, and hope you can find a resolution to this heartache.

Lots of love,

John
 
Hi Savannah,

I think some survivors have expectations of themselves, and then develop patterns of relating to people that fulfill those expectations.

I know my partner had a lot of ideas about himself that went something like "I'm only good for meeting other people's needs, the people who say they love me don't really care about what I want, as long as I say and do what makes them happy."

This is a message that runs pretty deep in his upbringing-- his mother is the kind who "just wants everyone to be happy"-- but then insists on knowing better than you do, what it is that will make you happy, and surprise surprise, it's something that's convenient and rewarding for her.

My partner, as an adult, developed a pattern of downplaying his own needs even when others weren't asking this of him-- and then building a lot of resentment about the things he was doing for others. He's the kind of guy who would stop and get coffee for a co-worker on the way to work just to be a nice guy, and then say, oh, so and so only likes me because I buy the coffee.

The first time I confronted him about acting out, he put on this horrified and angry "You don't trust me" act-- so I didn't push it-- later he told me that by not pushing it I had made him feel like I didn't care what he was doing online, that as long as he said what I wanted to hear I didn't care whether or not it was really true. Certainly this wasn't something I felt or was trying to convey to him. I wasn't responsible for that feeling in him, but it was real to him and I was the real symbol of it at that time.

What I'm getting at is, it's possible that your husband set some of this up in your marriage-- fell into a pattern of giving to you, at his own expense-- but NOT because you're uncaring or didn't appreciate it enough. Because it's a sick script with very rigid roles, and hard not to fall into.

Ultimately my partner had to learn how to express what he needed, and how to say no to things he didn't want to do, rather than volunteering for them. No one could take care of him until he was able to care for himself in that very basic way.
 
John just posted at the same time I was writing.

He said it very well I think. John, I'm sorry that your mom went to Mom School with my mother in law.
 
Thanks for the posts. Unfortunately, it seems like he now wants to move on and suggested that I do the same. He has some strong feelings for a man he's friends with and I guess the feelings have been reciprocated.

So not only do I feel sad that I wasn't enough for him during our marriage, but I also get the pleasure of mourning the end of our relationship. Isn't life grand?
 
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