Could I be loosing it?

Could I be loosing it?
G

Glen

Registrant
I mean this seriously. Since I have started to get real about what happened to me the SA part, things seem very different.
1. I asked God to come into my life and change me for the better.
-I would never have done that before because I was soo angry at God for letting my SA happen in the first place.
2. I look in the mirror and I see a stranger.
-I feel so far away, spiritually that is, from the guy that I used to be.
3. I have'nt resorted to using my old crutches ie; Food,sex,shopping.
-Its like I do not know how to even access these anymore.
4. I do not think I am gay anymore.
-I used to dream of men. Now I only think about women and this is BIG cause I was abused by a women.
So in the end I am wondering is it possible to change so much... And furthermore I want to go even further and change my looks as well. Whats going on? I dont think that Im looking for a new crutch cause I have schedualled an appointment with a therepist. I just feel like what I am now is not me. And I want to let the real me shine. But yet its scary at the same time. Does any of this make sense.
Please tell me im not losing it. Or switching to other crutches cause this feels way diiferent.. I feel like a stranger in my own body.
Help?
 
I unfortunately am not qualified to answer your questions, but I am willing to offer my 2 cents worth. I too have recently begun to deal with my SA. I too have begun to pray, after being a self professed agnostic for many years. I too have looked into the mirror and seen a stranger. I too have sworn off my crutches. I never thought I was gay, but felt like something was "wrong" with me. I have also changed so much. I cut off my ponytail after 12 years. I have given up on many of my old dreams, in order to find the "real me". I know that what we are facing is big enough to alter our perception of who we are. I know that who we are is not determined by how we look, our preferences, or our SA. We are who we are, when we are, and are always constantly changing. Change is not a bad thing, especially when we are giving up our crutches and learning to walk on our own. I wish for you an open road to your new perceptions, and hope we both can learn to like that stranger in the mirror.
 
I think you may just be adjusting to bringing this stuff to the surface. You mention that you have found spirituality and thats good for you. One thing that worked for me is Buddhism because it helps deal with everyday issues, actions, and is a great philosophy that fits well as a supplement to any religion because it agrees with all religions. It teaches you how to be happy and happy is good eh?

Hang in there Glen

edit:

PS You are not losing it
 
Glen, Yep,I am this person I've never met before. I really think it's because the SA makes the child change for survival. We put those parts of us away that we know cannot survive the SA, and we live on with those parts of us that can. It creates an incomplete individual. Then as we heal and find our child, we start to get back some of those quaities we lost to the SA and it's very confusing. I have changed my hair style, lost 85 pounds, become this guy who cares what he puts on in the morning to go to work. My personality is also changing. (Many people are rejoicing over this one.) I don't know exactly where it's going either. I've kind of decided to enjoy the ride. I'm getting old and, when I should be looking in the mirror and seeing this guy withering away (Don't get me wrong, the petals are definitely drooping.), I'm seeing this new guy (a little vain, but hey, I spent 40 years thinking about how bad he looked) in the mirror and having fun watching him change. There is a horribly painful part of this SA healing thing, but, when I'm not busy crying and searching and feeling, finding this new guy who has been there all the time, but was hiding behind the other one is kind of a kick. Bobby
 
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