Coping with the Allure

[Exarch]

New here, first post.

Normally I'd go with a witty, dashing introduction but I lack the wherewithal for that.

Currently in crisis mode and heavy flashbacks to my incidents, was a years long situation in my youth and it's really coming back on me in my mid 30s.

I find myself acting out very inappropriately. Sex is always how I coped with the trauma, has been since it stopped, and due to a dead bedroom situation with my wife, I more or less crowbar'd our relationship open. I backed out before things got serious and then regressed into a jibbering mess.

Now all i can think about, want etc, is to return to that cowering little boy who was taken advantage of years ago. I registered on a dating app for men, tp try and recreate what started me down this path. And again, nothing has happened. But I feel like I'm losing my grip on whats left of myself.

Has anyone dealt with this? Have any advice?

 

[Esterio]

Hi Exarch

Welcome to MS. Sorry for what happen to you to need a site like this. It is good that you found this site. It is a good place to come and talk with others that know what you are talking about because we have all been through trauma some have been through lots.

To answer your questions. I didn't have it all come down on me until I was about 43. abuse happen from before I started school and the last time anyone was able to take advantage of me was at 22 years old.

Acting out inappropriately and using Sex to cope I think are common place. My wife and I sexual life was dead for years before out marriage ended. I have no advice there mine failed.

I met a guy online and we met in real life as well but nothing ever happen as I was beyond sex by then. I was looking for someone to love me that didn't work. Seeing the world from the little boys eyes is and trying to recreate is also common also. My flashback recreate the worst abuse. I have not much to say about it. It just happens I don't go out and try to recreate any sexual incidents in real life anymore. I used to go out looking and got myself into more dangerous situations.

Are you in therapy at this time? If not it maybe a good idea. Coming here and reading, replying to others post and making post of my own has helped me lots. You have done the right thing you have reach out for help. That took a lot of courage on your part. It is also a good start on your healing journey.

Good luck finding all the info you are needing. Again welcome



Esterio

 

[Exarch]

I appreciate that a lot.
I'm in the market for a therapist nearby. I tried it previously (about 4 years ago) and I guess I wasn't quite ready to talk.
I slammed up and just ... couldn't.

At this point, at 34, I'm ready to try to find a solution. Like I said, I've gone down the hypersexed route, self-medicated, self-harmed and been on SW for the last month, so something's gotta give before I so.

Maybe starting to post here was a primer, a way for me to feel a bit better about telling anyone in person about this all.

 

[Esterio]

Hi Exarch

You are welcome. I have had to T's for ptsd and trauma neither was a good fit for me. I had 18 years between. Coming here and to another site My PTSD has helped me more than anything so far.

I use my Family doctor as a T some times if I am really struggling he has no idea what to do or say so he just sits and listens. That helps a lot but puts him way behind, He tells me its ok he has quite a few patients like me don't have a T and no more choices. Just saying somethings out loud helps.

Here is a good place to talk nothing you can say has not been said here before, You are not alone. There is also no pressure to talk about your trauma you will when you are ready. Most of my life story that has come out here in others forums someone says something and it strike a cord and you have something to say about that as you know you have been there also.

I am happy that you reached out Exarch
Peace be safe
Esterio

 

[Exarch]

I appreciate that a lot as well.
Its good to know I'm not alone. In all of this