Conversion Therapy

[Zangetsu]

I finally broke down and asked for help within my church. I've been stuck at a crossroads for years. So I asked for help to find my way forward. I had my first counseling session with someone in my church last night. He didn't know anything about me. We were basically strangers to one another except for in passing. I told myself he needed to know things about me, otherwise he couldn't help me. So I disclosed, vaguely, everything.

And after almost 3 hours talking. I've come to realize I have inadvertently signed myself up for conversion therapy. He focused on the physical aspect of homosexuality. He didn't even acknowledge there could be love. Being cared for and caring for someone else. Accepting someone as a whole. He focused solely on the physical sin of it all. Lust, attractions, urges, a sickness...these were all things I heard him say...

With enough prayer and fasting. I can rid myself of these feelings....these temptations. That I needed to be serious about this. Or I was already lost. Maybe I am....

I know there is alot of anger around conversion therapy...

What should I expect if I follow through with this?
Am I doomed? *sigh*....

 

[jacats]

What are you wanting to get out of it?

 

[Zangetsu]

To fit in?
I've all but forsaken any covenant I've made...I guess I'm trying to find my way back to all that...I just don't know how, or if it's even possible. Even though he says it is..

 

[BelovedSon]

Holy moly. I am sorry to hear that this is still going on. I interacted with someone else here who tried conversion therapy and said it didn’t work…no surprise. Years ago there was a Christian ministry called Exodus International whose mission was to help people come out of homosexual lifestyle. The ministry closed after several years concluding the that “99.9% of people can not change their orientation”

same sex thoughts may be a result of the abuse and may not reflect an underlying orientation. As I have healed from my abuse my fantasies reenacting the abuse have gone. Once they were gone though, I realized that I am attracted to men.

my wife knows and it doesn’t. bother either of us. I am also deeply attracted to my wife and will focus the expression of my sexuality on her. At the same-time I have made peace with my SSA and my faith. As my pastor says “the essence of the Gospel is that you are loved as you are”

 

[Zangetsu]

I do not feel my attractions or feelings are a cause of my abuse. It's just the way I've always been..

 

[BelovedSon]

I understand your desire to fit in. I told my T so many times “I just want to be like normal guys”. (He hates the word normal). I am totally over that. The men I am closest to know about my SSA and they accept me. Why do I care about fitting in with others?
My counselor prefers the term “typical” instead of normal. I am not typical in many ways from other men. Sexuality is just one way. I like who I am now and don’t have any desire to be like other guys. I wish you well on your journey.

 

[Ferguson]

My SSA usually takes the form of wanting to be beaten, tied up, shamed, bullied, hurt, tortured, raped, etc. I'm so grateful to those who have been willing to help who have not tried to tell me that I'm gay and should just accept that. I'm also grateful for those who didn't try to use an other quick-fix magic wands on me (there were many who did). "Conversion Therapy" named by the type of people who tried to convert me to "accepting my homosexuality" are off one side of the path and off on the other side are the type that think casting out a demon will magic away the absence of a father who could affirm me and love me emotionally/physically. There are some wonderful people in the middle who have helped me heal, recover, through the many layers of the onion. If I had not been so crippled by the lack in my parents, I am sure I would have been more able to fight off the sexual and other abuse.

My advice is work through your story patiently, connecting with people don't rush in to help or try to tell you who you are!

I have a Someone stronger than me and my problems, who is accepting of me as I am but is determined to root out all the survival patterns I learnt in childhood which are now harmful to me.

Hang in there Zangesu. You are not alone.

 

[Esterio]

What should I expect if I follow through with this?

I have never heard of any success with conversion therapy. In Canada it is close to being against the law. Having feeling for someone of the same sex is more acceptable in todays world just not in some of its religions. I think we need to fallow our hearts and see where that leads to. Know one or a program can help you find yourself, You are the one who knows what is in your heart not someone trying to pray the Gay feelings you have away or maybe it is just a same sex attraction. I would seek out help from a therapist that has the right skills to help you recognize yourself for who you are.

Thinking you are gay and not being ok with it is a big struggle many have been on. I first knew I like boys at a young age, it was even still against the law to have homosexual relations. I went to a church that was very strict on so many things, it is where I heard rumours of boys being sent away for "help" what I know today as conversion therapy. I was sexually attacked by a youth leader in that church, he had access to all the children in the church. I heard lots of homophobic comments and I was never able to just be me, it forced me into the shadows and into dangerous situations.

 

[Zangetsu]

I don't struggle with who I am. At all. I KNOW I who I am. But it's not okay to be who I am in my life. It's never been ok. I want to change for others. Not for myself. Honestly, my wife is the only reason I haven't told the church to F off.

I'm doing this for her.
My family.
My brothers and sisters in the faith.

It's not because of my abuse. I know that for sure. It's not a physical thing for me. It's an emotional thing for me. The bond. The connection.
The physical aspects don't mean jack squat to me unless there is a strong emotional connection. I know this, because I was once in love with someone when I was a teenager. I loved him. A part of me still loves him. Even after he hurt me emotionally...my heart wants what it wants. Regardless of the pain it has caused me....

Choosing to do this. Is just another form of control on my part. Another link in the chain. Reinforcing the invisible cage I've been in my entire F'ing life!!

You may ask yourself why put myself through this?
Punishment? Maybe...
Guilt? Possibly...
It's all I've known.
I'm safe where I am...
It's ingrained in me to FIGHT this.
And thanks to my first abuser. I'm not sure I could let another man that close to me....it would take an immense amount of trust...

I'm safe...

I'm trying to keep it that way.

I don't like the emotional pain that comes with getting your heart ripped out of your chest...

So...yeah....

 

[GeorgeMartin]

There's a very good logical reason why conversion therapies were banned. At least in some countries.

 

[NC-Survivor]

I finally broke down and asked for help within my church. I've been stuck at a crossroads for years. So I asked for help to find my way forward. I had my first counseling session with someone in my church last night. He didn't know anything about me. We were basically strangers to one another except for in passing. I told myself he needed to know things about me, otherwise he couldn't help me. So I disclosed, vaguely, everything.

And after almost 3 hours talking. I've come to realize I have inadvertently signed myself up for conversion therapy. He focused on the physical aspect of homosexuality. He didn't even acknowledge there could be love. Being cared for and caring for someone else. Accepting someone as a whole. He focused solely on the physical sin of it all. Lust, attractions, urges, a sickness...these were all things I heard him say...

With enough prayer and fasting. I can rid myself of these feelings....these temptations. That I needed to be serious about this. Or I was already lost. Maybe I am....

I know there is alot of anger around conversion therapy...

What should I expect if I follow through with this?
Am I doomed? *sigh*....

Does this person have ANY experience dealing with either SSA and/or those who have experienced childhood trauma?? Many well-meaning clergy will take on SSA-ers as a "Pet Project," but they are way out of their depth!! And they end up giving horrible advice as a result!

 

[NC-Survivor]

After working through my issues over 30+ years, AND being involved in Exodus-type ministries, I agree with the "Side Y" method of thinking (There are Sides A, B, Y & X)- I label myself as SSA (not "gay") but realize this is an on-going condition that, though the temptations will lessen over time, they will always be a part of me. There is no 100% Healing (similar to the concept that a "100% healed alcoholic" would be able to drink a beer and not be triggered to get drunk and have destructive behaviors follow), meaning that I will always find men attractive. But with the right supports in place I can find TONS of healing on my Healing Journey that will ultimately result in the lessening of SSA - However the ultimate goal as a male Christian is not changing the SSA to OSA (opposite Sex attraction), but the ultimate goal needs to be holiness - becoming more Christ-like. Lessinging of the SSA will lessen over time (but may not go away 100%).