control vs. love

[johnshea]

I've found that caring for myself goes hand in hand with caring for others. I don't really trust myself first, but trust myself at the same time that I trust another. This is something that I've only recently internalized. My wife has been telling me this for years, directly and indirectly.Give up the control.

Self pity, wallowing in feeling sorry for myself, living a life of shame as Lyrrads wife would say. When ever I do that, that becomes what I have to give. There is no love in that, plenty of hurt, abuse and ultimately, walls of lies , vengence and masks. Sure, everything is fine as long as you don't ask me about my pain, or tell me about your pain, so I can feel guilty and resent you. My "inner child" wants retribution,wants the perfect childhood full of love and nurturing that he is sure everyone else had. Because he refuses to see anyone else's pain. If he did he would realize that even the "normal" ones (aka non abused)had a "perfect" childhood.

My inner child is an inner brat (albeit an abused inner brat)He's vindictive toward the people around him, and they arent the ones who abused him. But they want love and he'll be damned ifhe will give up control of his love. Give me love first, in the form of anger, and if you are not angry, I can make you beby shutting down. But you are only getting scared and that's good cause I was scared, back then. Give me love, angry love like dad or pathetic needy love like mom. Either way it is misery.

I am learning to love and be loved as an adult, and that's good enough for me. When my friend Al refuses to accept that I'm afraid of my wife as an excuse that I can use to feel helpless, to become helpless, that's love from Al.I've lived in retreat from love for too long.

 

[despair...]

i hear you...loud an clear! like an alarm blazing thru your ear drum in the morning. i have been thru this throughout my whole life. with my parents, with all but one of my friends, and with all of my relationships with girlfriends. i have always expected them to care for me, nourish me, and baby me...exactly what my inner child yearns for, because that was all robbed from me. it is so hard to realize that now we are grown up, babying is not appropriate anymore. we have to learn to nourish our own inner child, feed him with love from our own hearts, and help him understand that he is okay now. he can feel safe, he is in good hands. we have to make him understand that we are in control now, but in control in the way that no one can hurt us anymore. those people we are pushing away only want to help us. we must let our inner child believe in this. i am on this journey, as we all are. i am glad you have realized all that you have, and wish you the best in growing and in love.

 

[Wuamei]

I'm finding that I'm pretty much capable of loving
others only to the degree that I love myself. If I love myself then I acknowledge & I know that I am loveable. Thus I can believe that others would be able to, and in fact do, love me too. Believing
& seeing that others love me chips away at the wall of mistrust & fear around me, freeing me to be love-able--able to love others back.

Convincing Little Victor that he is loveable & love-able is not easy. In his childhood opening a gate in the wall to let people in or try to reach
out invariably ended up either not working out too
well or in downright disaster. The rare times love was there he just didn't know what to do with it.

But Big Victor has been given a lot of love, especially over the last 23 years, from his wife & children. Little Victor has kept throwing up the wall, making it hard for Big Victor--and Little Victor--to receive or return that love.

But as Big Victor & Little Victor integrate, heal & become whole, we are dismantling the wall, opening up & reaching out. Ever so slowly & tentatively, yet surely & hopefully.

Oh yes, it's worth it!

Victor