Continuous Hurdles

[JayBro]

Despite great strides that I have made in my recovery, there are still some "setbacks" that I experience, mainly being exposing myself to triggering pornographic material. This often happens once I am already triggered for some reason or another and it works subconsciously on me for the next few days or week(s) afterwards. I had one of those episodes again recently, culminating with a triggering event this morning, and now I am feeling weak, scared, guilty, and sad all at the same time. But perhaps this is something that we all experience from time to time and in different ways? I just wish that I could get over this last hurdle in my recovery. I remember this morning having a voice in my head saying "no, don't expose yourself" but like during my abuse, my mind and feelings went numb and into autopilot. It actually feels only physically and mentally painful and it makes me feel sick and like I am being abused again.

Do any of you have any advice, suggestions, or comments?

 

[Nothing Man]

JayBro, it seems that many of us survivors feel a need to re-enact their abuse. I don't think you are alone in exposing yourself to triggering things; I certainly have in the past. And I have experienced the dissociation that frequently accompanies it.

But I guess the thing to do is identify what triggers you and deal with it in the moment with a therapist rather than trying to take it on by yourself. I find the farther away from my triggers I am, the happier I am.

 

[lapchinj]

Hey JayBro

I'm not sure that I understand what's happening to you once you're triggered. I know that when I get triggered it leads to other triggers. For instance one of my old avatars really triggered me in that the avatar was looking at me and after some time it started freaking me out and took me into another place where I was being abused. So I changed my avatar to one that wasn't looking at me. But also when I'm triggered I would go into my album and look at papasan and then all sorts of triggers start hitting me like a sandstorm. The problem seems to be getting triggered in the first place.

I'm an automotive electrician for a transit and charter bus company. Every once in a while a teacher will come with his 1st or 2nd grade class (I assume) and get to go into the garage get on a bus and have the lift raise the bus with the kids. They love it. But just the other day there wasn't a bus on a lift so my boss sees me working on a bus in the yard (I was in the drivers seat working on the dash) and he tells the teacher to come up on the bus I'm working on. The teacher while the kids were coming on the bus were told to say good morning, thank you and have a nice day. This whole episode freaked me out. I cannot be around kids. I had to take a couple of Valium but I was having a whole host of triggers coming at me at once.

I'm sorry if I misunderstand you.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope

 

[JayBro]

Hey guys, thanks for responding.

I am feeling much better now. I find that when I am triggered (and sometimes it happens by accident, such as a reference or joke about abuse) it also snowballs into further triggers and there is a latent sense of re-experiencing the abuse. Often talking about it helps clear my mind.

Jeff, I was wondering, would it be possible for you to remove the pictures that you have of papasan? Or possibly have someone you trust remove them for you? I find that knowing the availability of a particular trigger makes it worse for me and there is a tempting feeling to re-expose myself to it every once in a while to somehow overcome it. I was wondering as well, perhaps with a therapist, in a group, or alone you can remind yourself that you have no reason to fear kids, that you pose no threat to them (and visa versa), and that thoughts are different from actions. When my complex PTSD first emerged, I couldn't be around kids, teens, or other people in their early 20s. It was all too triggering. But as I verbalised what I was going through to friends, my therapist, and other trusted ones, I developed a mantra of what they told me as well as my own conclusions. This would eventually help to reduce the triggers I felt around kids and other young people.

Think back to what you have been told, perhaps even on here. You know that it is common for abuse survivors to also be triggered by kids- and thus you can conclude that you are not a unique case. You may also know that there is a difference between being the victim of sexual abuse and being the perpetrator- and to add to that, you know that victims do not grow up to be abusers. You may also understand that if you are experiencing flashbacks around certain events or for example thoughts like: "how could this small human being be a sex object for someone?" etc are but thoughts and not necessarily your actions. No one else can read your mind, and no one is judging you for being a victim and for suffering PTSD. When you build upon establishing new thought patterns- emergency mantras to help calm yourself down- you may begin to find further peace.

I hope this suggestion may be worth your while to at least try and maybe discuss with your therapist. It takes practice but it is definitely within your grasp.

 

[lapchinj]

Hey JayBro

Gone, I'm very sorry, it seems that my thought process needs some fixing.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope

 

[JayBro]

Good to hear then!

I was somewhat triggered this morning but only from feelings. I had an inner dialogue to talk me out of exploring or enticing my trigger further and it was successful. However, I still feel a little shaky and uneasy. Almost out of breath. It comes with waves of fear, anger, guilt, and confusion. I think as I start my day and go to work I will feel better. However I am aware, for example, that because I have been having some triggering episodes recently, I am more vulnerable to further triggers these next few days.

 

[lapchinj]

Hey JayBro

All I can say is that I'm sorry that I cause so much hurt, That was not my intention. To me finding his picture was of mixed feelings and facing my past as it happened. But again I'm sorry I hurt you

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope

 

[JayBro]

Hurt me? How have your hurt me???

 

[Logan]

Hi JayBro.

I should have responded to this post a while ago but I was feeling pretty depressed and I am sorry that I didn't sooner.

I highly agree with what N-Man said about the re-enactment of many abuse survivors. I know that is especially true for me and I did seek out different things that were both re-enactments and very self destructive at the same time.

I try not to do that anymore because it just leaves me feeling much worse after the fact, even though before I would act out, it possessed the allure of some type salvation by changing what had really happened, but it NEVER worked out that way and I would always felt terrible afterwards both about myself and what I had just done-so basically it Never helped in the long run.- or even for the short term for that matter.

If you would like, I can go back and post a link to the posts and topics that I have made that speak directly to this.

Sincerely,
Logan

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi JayBro,

This is a somewhat different take on what I now understand was the gist of your post. Ironically I misread your quote on triggers, and it triggered one of my most regrettable instances of acting out. Because it was on a small child, not do much self harm.

When I read your statement, "No, don't expose yourself" I had an immediate flashback to the time, as a teen, I exposed myself to my four or five year old nephew. I have so felt shame and regret for doing that, even though it was over 50 years ago.

Now, I see you were referring to exposing yourself to situations that cause triggering. I completely agree that a triggering event does something to the emotions that will make you even more vulnerable to other triggering. I know of some general triggering areas for me, and subjects that I should never expose myself to, which keeps me safe. But occasionally something comes up quite unexpectedly, very similar to a trip wire of a bomb except an emotional explosion.

Sorry I don't have any suggestions. Trial and error seems to reveal more areas I know I need to avoid.

 

[lapchinj]

Hey JayBro

I was wondering as well, perhaps with a therapist, in a group, or alone you can remind yourself that you have no reason to fear kids, that you pose no threat to them (and visa versa), and that thoughts are different from actions.

I was looking at your post and you mentioning be being scared of kids. I'm afraid of the kids in nightmares where they all run to me and just as they catch me a big flash of white light occurs just as they are coming to kill me. You might want to look at a post I just wrote on the triggers thread regarding kids

https://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=480427&#Post480427

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope

 

[JayBro]

Hey everyone,

thanks for your responses!

I think, along with building sympathy for myself, learning to protect myself from triggers (knowing full well how I will react) is something that is really important and something that I find quite challenging. It is an act of self-love, very much like protecting the inner-child. I think of these triggering, negative or "forced" arousal periods wherein I am only further traumatized are manifestations of my hurt, trauma, and frustration with the abuse/effects of the abuse. That state-of-mind is a form of self-harming, like cutting may be for others, and it is a self-directed channeling of my negative emotions. I never ever get mad at others, scream at, be rude to or mistreat others which others may experience when dealing with anger, hurt, vulnerability, and frustration, however all of that negative energy is reflected inwards. I hurt myself where I know it will have the most damage. And that's where the sympathy and better self-care step in.

I need to better protect myself to prevent these traumatizing sessions and to really let myself heal.