**contains triggers*** feel hopeless for healing
Hi Guize,
this is going to contain some graphic triggering questions about sexual relations with my partner & my frustration****
When I/ WE re joined our "relationship" we discussed and agreed that when he was "done" with school he would take a short break and then begin marriage counseling to heal our relationship.
We have not yet even begun to even attempt this much past scratching the surface of his being convicted S.O. about the 20 yr Old and the drinking.
I chose not to be pushy or expect any direct therapy to heal the relationship in any "short time span" due to the fact that he was very over whelmed in his schooling for his job and also in the accelerated BA electronic program. Also when he came to me to ask my opinion about whether he should go back to school & wanted my "permission" (i thot that was a lot of undue pressure on me , how could "I" tell him what to choose or do? and as gently as possible told him so)At that time he "informed" me that "HE" would NOT have much time to give or devote to me.
I knew he would become tired and cranky etc. I also knew NOT to expect a lot of attention to my "needs" beyond Immediate roof over head & any medical attention & attempt to accomplish "fitting in" the grocery shopping.
I thought I would be fairly ok with this knowing that he would not be able to provide any "real" emotional support, but felt that I would manage taking care of my needs fine, with the FULL expectation as we had agreed that we would definetly go thru marriage counseling
AFTER his short break after his graduation.
What I have found tho in these past several weeks is that not only is there no "sexual intimacy or intimacy at all" ( i knew this would happen as I felt he "honestly" would be too tired. I feel I must add in the past history when he was actively using his porn addiction & prostitutes his "excuse" to not have sex with me was "he was too tired". He admitted this was his "cover up story" to hide the acting out.
Now that he is only a few weeks from graduationn his "focus" has become "changing jobs" & making sure that they involve a lot of travel. Even though in the beginning when we "rejoined" he knew my health is quickly depleteing and Drs have not given me much of a long time to live (altho i totally am working to prove that wrong) -
I have approached him as gently as possible on less than a handfull of occassions about keeping his promise to NOT jump directly into the intense search for a new job, especially one that will involve a lot of travel away from home. During those attempts to discuss the "original agreement" he became extremely angry and defensive. Raising his voice and not willing to listen to my concerns that he keeps lowering the "importance" of marriage counseling and that agreement. Not to mention the agreement for the job requirements.
I feel it is unfair of him to even consider traveling for up to 6 wks or more to even other country's leaving our youngest daugh who is pregnant with a high risk pregnancy & attempting to start her own family to basically be "my main care taker". I also feel that he is breaking his promise to make marriage counseling a priority so that what ever time I do have left is not with a lot of unresolved issues.
The 2 or 3 X's we have been able to successfully have sexual contact have ended very badly. About 2 weeks ago he revealed to me that "he does not care if we ever have sex again". This crushed me, not only have I been very concientious about what "battles" to pick or discussions to talk to him about, even so simple as to WHEN we can get grocery's, but even more careful as to mentioning the amount of "rest or down time" before he "job hunts".
No matter the subject material he is very angry in his responses, and I really keep my voice tone low, no threats or bargaining or antagonizing etc. I understand he is under a tremedous amount of stress, and in one small conversation he pretty much bluntly stated I "had become a burden" keeping him from ALL he wanted.
When I asked what he could list that I have prevented him from having so I could either assist him in achieving it, or get it for him his response was an example of some "pill" to help him lose weight. He was angry at me because my medications cost so much (even tho' i get most of them thru a free med prgm) & my SSI pays for the other portion & puts the food in the house. He could not list anything else, but yet again I was crushed emotionally.
I already know and feel very responsible for our ruined credit and long ago took steps legally to "protect him" from the financial damage I knew would come upon us. I carry this guilt, and work hard to try not to let this be an issue knowing I do not have any "control" over this. BUT, it still hurts to have him voice this after so many years of "suspecting" what he had not said before.
He has already sent out several applications for jobs that will require a lot of travel and also rather "rushed" responses to either accept or refuse the job. I am "steeling myself" for him to come to me with asking "IF he should take such and such job", as he was specifically asked by a very good job for his application. In fact in just 2 wks "WE" will be traveling for him to go thru a "seminar" for the positon. This place asked FOR him, after accessing his school he is attending now. I am very sure that his work skills, history and GPA will mean more than likely HE will be asked to fill this position. The money will more than likely be almost double his income now.
He has also been very diligent in setting up and accessing and paying for a "home health care" service for me. Basically, so I can "hospice" at home as I originally desired.
I am so hurt, and frightened by so much right now. I am having nightmares , the strangest nightmares of his Arrest and contact with the 20 year old. Bad enough to the extreme that I have dreamed this 20 yr old appears with a "baby" in her arms that he "fathered" during the contact. I am not sleeping well at all, and have a hard time even staying in the bed next to him, IF I even can lay down in the bed with him at night. I have been spending a lot of nights on the couch. Have gone as long as 3 days with NO sleep at all.
I know I need to be sure 1st to take care of myself so that I remain as healthy as possible. He got angry that I had to pay a 20 dollar co pay for a check up, but did not have a problem paying over 200 dollars to have his teeth cleaned.
I am not angry that he is finally realizing it is perfectly ok to spend money on himself to take care of himself. He denied himself for so long even the simplest of items such as underwear, now he does not hesitate to purchase these items. Prior his purchases were impulse items that were very "adolecent" (?) such as drums, cymbols , music equipment in the thousands of dollars. And not just ONE set but several -- now it is computers , we have about 5 - 6 computers.
He also still continues to do "hoarding", picking things from the garbage that "could be rescued" & repaired, but it just piles up & collects everywhere.
He did inviite me to his class re union, but I have since declined telling him I did not feel that they would be able to provide enough handicap accessable areas for me. AND I also thot that this would be best for him to spend time alone with his sisters since I found out they were not taking their significant others.
I really feel hopeless. That what ever is left of this relationship will be forever me walking on eggshells not knowing what if anything will set him off.
When we originally have discussed the marriage counseling we both I felt realistically said that we should at least "try" even if the counseling ended up that we should divorce as long as we ended up in peace and being friends.
All day long & at night when I am around him, I feel as if I am on the edge of tears constantly. Sometimes out of the blue he will come and sit next to me and tell me he loves me, and then say "I dont want a divorce". I have not ever brought that up. Once in an argument shortly after I moved back in he "threatened me" with the unsigned divorce papers. I told him to never do that unless he meant it as I had no problem following thru. It was and is emotional blackmail and I would NOT be a part of that.
I am struggling as to how to make the best decisions to keep myself sane along the way. I am frightened that he is just "keeping me around" until I die so that it removes his guilt about having had sex with the 20 yr old. That basically he could then rationalize in his mind when I die that he did "the right thing" and could move on without any guilt.
I dont feel important or pretty or cared about anymore. I feel as if I am just a burden and he is waiting for me to die. He keeps telling me that he has seen first hand the difference in how a State aid patient gets treated as opposed to one that is Insured and he wants to make sure I am insured. Again I feel it is a way to release his guilt over the incident with the 20 yr old and his yrs of "acting out".
AND, I really dont want to spend what little time I may have left in a sexless marriage. He did say that he is afraid of hurting me, and then after I repeated several times that all of these years he should have enough Proof or Evidence that I would stop him if that were to happen. THen, in the next discussion regarding his not ever wanting sex again, he said it was directly related to his own abuse. However I felt in hearing in his voice that was just a "cover up".
As I borrowed his cell phone recently I found several females phone numbers , including one remaining 20 something that no longer works at where he works now, (he did work on her vehicle & I threw a fit when he was going to drive over 3 hours to "fix" her auto explaining that he was just setting himself up to put him self in a high risk situation already being labled as a S.O.) --
I am unsure if he is attempting to "sabotage" the previous plans, if he is attempting to push me away so that I get angry and leave -- or if I am just taking all of this too personal and internalizing what I dont need to?
on a last note (sorry this was so long) - yesterday after he bit my head off for something small, the phone rang & it was a member of his support group which I have rarely but occassionally asked if he was "interested" in returning to group for some support.
His excuse or reasoning as to "missing group" is the exact same line I get when he fails to follow thru with small needs I request.
1) I forgot
2) I am too tired
He did agree willingly after a long discussion that it was acceptable to take in my ill brother as long as it is only temporary. Which of course it is, and I knew that just cuz my own brother cannot stay in any one place for too long.
sorry about this being so long, I've held it in for a long time, but that has not helped.
Perhaps someone can lead me out of this hole I have dug myself into. I keep feeling like I just make one mistake after another no matter HOW well laid the plans are in the beginning. Even WITH therapy.
I geuss I have been really feeling guilty all over again for not dying from the onset of this stupid heart disease crap... I feel like I have just injured hubby more than anything and he didnt do anything to deserve this. AND then I feel guilty for asking to move back in after I got beat up in the supposedly 'safe" apartment bldng... that hubby let me move back in out of guilt and feeling like he owed me because of the stuff he did before with the acting out...
I think I am just crazy and need to be put down like a frothing dog,
Sammy
this is going to contain some graphic triggering questions about sexual relations with my partner & my frustration****
When I/ WE re joined our "relationship" we discussed and agreed that when he was "done" with school he would take a short break and then begin marriage counseling to heal our relationship.
We have not yet even begun to even attempt this much past scratching the surface of his being convicted S.O. about the 20 yr Old and the drinking.
I chose not to be pushy or expect any direct therapy to heal the relationship in any "short time span" due to the fact that he was very over whelmed in his schooling for his job and also in the accelerated BA electronic program. Also when he came to me to ask my opinion about whether he should go back to school & wanted my "permission" (i thot that was a lot of undue pressure on me , how could "I" tell him what to choose or do? and as gently as possible told him so)At that time he "informed" me that "HE" would NOT have much time to give or devote to me.
I knew he would become tired and cranky etc. I also knew NOT to expect a lot of attention to my "needs" beyond Immediate roof over head & any medical attention & attempt to accomplish "fitting in" the grocery shopping.
I thought I would be fairly ok with this knowing that he would not be able to provide any "real" emotional support, but felt that I would manage taking care of my needs fine, with the FULL expectation as we had agreed that we would definetly go thru marriage counseling
AFTER his short break after his graduation.
What I have found tho in these past several weeks is that not only is there no "sexual intimacy or intimacy at all" ( i knew this would happen as I felt he "honestly" would be too tired. I feel I must add in the past history when he was actively using his porn addiction & prostitutes his "excuse" to not have sex with me was "he was too tired". He admitted this was his "cover up story" to hide the acting out.
Now that he is only a few weeks from graduationn his "focus" has become "changing jobs" & making sure that they involve a lot of travel. Even though in the beginning when we "rejoined" he knew my health is quickly depleteing and Drs have not given me much of a long time to live (altho i totally am working to prove that wrong) -
I have approached him as gently as possible on less than a handfull of occassions about keeping his promise to NOT jump directly into the intense search for a new job, especially one that will involve a lot of travel away from home. During those attempts to discuss the "original agreement" he became extremely angry and defensive. Raising his voice and not willing to listen to my concerns that he keeps lowering the "importance" of marriage counseling and that agreement. Not to mention the agreement for the job requirements.
I feel it is unfair of him to even consider traveling for up to 6 wks or more to even other country's leaving our youngest daugh who is pregnant with a high risk pregnancy & attempting to start her own family to basically be "my main care taker". I also feel that he is breaking his promise to make marriage counseling a priority so that what ever time I do have left is not with a lot of unresolved issues.
The 2 or 3 X's we have been able to successfully have sexual contact have ended very badly. About 2 weeks ago he revealed to me that "he does not care if we ever have sex again". This crushed me, not only have I been very concientious about what "battles" to pick or discussions to talk to him about, even so simple as to WHEN we can get grocery's, but even more careful as to mentioning the amount of "rest or down time" before he "job hunts".
No matter the subject material he is very angry in his responses, and I really keep my voice tone low, no threats or bargaining or antagonizing etc. I understand he is under a tremedous amount of stress, and in one small conversation he pretty much bluntly stated I "had become a burden" keeping him from ALL he wanted.
When I asked what he could list that I have prevented him from having so I could either assist him in achieving it, or get it for him his response was an example of some "pill" to help him lose weight. He was angry at me because my medications cost so much (even tho' i get most of them thru a free med prgm) & my SSI pays for the other portion & puts the food in the house. He could not list anything else, but yet again I was crushed emotionally.
I already know and feel very responsible for our ruined credit and long ago took steps legally to "protect him" from the financial damage I knew would come upon us. I carry this guilt, and work hard to try not to let this be an issue knowing I do not have any "control" over this. BUT, it still hurts to have him voice this after so many years of "suspecting" what he had not said before.
He has already sent out several applications for jobs that will require a lot of travel and also rather "rushed" responses to either accept or refuse the job. I am "steeling myself" for him to come to me with asking "IF he should take such and such job", as he was specifically asked by a very good job for his application. In fact in just 2 wks "WE" will be traveling for him to go thru a "seminar" for the positon. This place asked FOR him, after accessing his school he is attending now. I am very sure that his work skills, history and GPA will mean more than likely HE will be asked to fill this position. The money will more than likely be almost double his income now.
He has also been very diligent in setting up and accessing and paying for a "home health care" service for me. Basically, so I can "hospice" at home as I originally desired.
I am so hurt, and frightened by so much right now. I am having nightmares , the strangest nightmares of his Arrest and contact with the 20 year old. Bad enough to the extreme that I have dreamed this 20 yr old appears with a "baby" in her arms that he "fathered" during the contact. I am not sleeping well at all, and have a hard time even staying in the bed next to him, IF I even can lay down in the bed with him at night. I have been spending a lot of nights on the couch. Have gone as long as 3 days with NO sleep at all.
I know I need to be sure 1st to take care of myself so that I remain as healthy as possible. He got angry that I had to pay a 20 dollar co pay for a check up, but did not have a problem paying over 200 dollars to have his teeth cleaned.
I am not angry that he is finally realizing it is perfectly ok to spend money on himself to take care of himself. He denied himself for so long even the simplest of items such as underwear, now he does not hesitate to purchase these items. Prior his purchases were impulse items that were very "adolecent" (?) such as drums, cymbols , music equipment in the thousands of dollars. And not just ONE set but several -- now it is computers , we have about 5 - 6 computers.
He also still continues to do "hoarding", picking things from the garbage that "could be rescued" & repaired, but it just piles up & collects everywhere.
He did inviite me to his class re union, but I have since declined telling him I did not feel that they would be able to provide enough handicap accessable areas for me. AND I also thot that this would be best for him to spend time alone with his sisters since I found out they were not taking their significant others.
I really feel hopeless. That what ever is left of this relationship will be forever me walking on eggshells not knowing what if anything will set him off.
When we originally have discussed the marriage counseling we both I felt realistically said that we should at least "try" even if the counseling ended up that we should divorce as long as we ended up in peace and being friends.
All day long & at night when I am around him, I feel as if I am on the edge of tears constantly. Sometimes out of the blue he will come and sit next to me and tell me he loves me, and then say "I dont want a divorce". I have not ever brought that up. Once in an argument shortly after I moved back in he "threatened me" with the unsigned divorce papers. I told him to never do that unless he meant it as I had no problem following thru. It was and is emotional blackmail and I would NOT be a part of that.
I am struggling as to how to make the best decisions to keep myself sane along the way. I am frightened that he is just "keeping me around" until I die so that it removes his guilt about having had sex with the 20 yr old. That basically he could then rationalize in his mind when I die that he did "the right thing" and could move on without any guilt.
I dont feel important or pretty or cared about anymore. I feel as if I am just a burden and he is waiting for me to die. He keeps telling me that he has seen first hand the difference in how a State aid patient gets treated as opposed to one that is Insured and he wants to make sure I am insured. Again I feel it is a way to release his guilt over the incident with the 20 yr old and his yrs of "acting out".
AND, I really dont want to spend what little time I may have left in a sexless marriage. He did say that he is afraid of hurting me, and then after I repeated several times that all of these years he should have enough Proof or Evidence that I would stop him if that were to happen. THen, in the next discussion regarding his not ever wanting sex again, he said it was directly related to his own abuse. However I felt in hearing in his voice that was just a "cover up".
As I borrowed his cell phone recently I found several females phone numbers , including one remaining 20 something that no longer works at where he works now, (he did work on her vehicle & I threw a fit when he was going to drive over 3 hours to "fix" her auto explaining that he was just setting himself up to put him self in a high risk situation already being labled as a S.O.) --
I am unsure if he is attempting to "sabotage" the previous plans, if he is attempting to push me away so that I get angry and leave -- or if I am just taking all of this too personal and internalizing what I dont need to?
on a last note (sorry this was so long) - yesterday after he bit my head off for something small, the phone rang & it was a member of his support group which I have rarely but occassionally asked if he was "interested" in returning to group for some support.
His excuse or reasoning as to "missing group" is the exact same line I get when he fails to follow thru with small needs I request.
1) I forgot
2) I am too tired
He did agree willingly after a long discussion that it was acceptable to take in my ill brother as long as it is only temporary. Which of course it is, and I knew that just cuz my own brother cannot stay in any one place for too long.
sorry about this being so long, I've held it in for a long time, but that has not helped.
Perhaps someone can lead me out of this hole I have dug myself into. I keep feeling like I just make one mistake after another no matter HOW well laid the plans are in the beginning. Even WITH therapy.
I geuss I have been really feeling guilty all over again for not dying from the onset of this stupid heart disease crap... I feel like I have just injured hubby more than anything and he didnt do anything to deserve this. AND then I feel guilty for asking to move back in after I got beat up in the supposedly 'safe" apartment bldng... that hubby let me move back in out of guilt and feeling like he owed me because of the stuff he did before with the acting out...
I think I am just crazy and need to be put down like a frothing dog,
Sammy
naww its just that we are spending time together doing what we BOTH like to do - I dont need candles & nice dinner... give me a 351 cleveland with a head change & good shower, or hanging drywall , mud & tape and I am ready to hop in and be miss beauty queen for sex??? 
