Consent and Teen Age

[wreckage]

I have been on this topic for awhile. The reason is, I believe it is at the heart of why I feel so shameful and guilty and why I can't relate to other people.

I was molested at 12 but at 16-17, after moving to a new neighborhood, I begin to cruise for older men. I don't know why and I put it out of my head for a long time (like the molest). After having remembered (or brought to front of my mind), I thought about the cruising.

Here's the question: is it molest/CSA if I went out looking for it? This forum has helped me begin sort out many sub-issues; however, I still struggle with this foundational issue.

As a tangential issue- I don't know if this is common, but I am struggling to remember who I was before the molest. I get glimpses of it but nothing solid. I wonder if that's because after one's world is messed up/interrupted-one's memory or personality changes.

I keep thinking-I used to be- Then I think that all that I have done or the way I behave is a construction that is somehow manufactured. I continue to learn how to handle myself in certain situations- and I never talk about myself as I think it will jinx what I have and that it is not worthy of conversation.

What do you think of the consent thing (and anything with the tangential issue)

I could really use some feedback on this. It has been trying me awry and is part of how and why, I suspect, either less than or feel grandiose. I always feel less than (or want to discount others.

Sorry if I am rambling but this is at the heart of my issues.I am meeting with a new therapist on Monday because my old one just didn't get it. I have been dealing with cyclothymia (milder form of bipolar)for decades (not sure if that helps to give insight).

 

[genedebs]

Dear Wreckage,

You talk about cruising for older men. It is common for individuals with CSA have a period of promiscuos sexual activities. Are these activities the same as the childhood molestation? No, but it is part of the after effects, the acting out.

At 16-17 you are in most states at the age of consent. At 12 you were not. Your negative self appraisal (shame guilt) makes it difficult to relate to people.

May God be with you and be less hard on yourself.

 

[Tom E.]

At 16 I wonder if one is really mature enough emotionally to give consent with a much older male or female. Anyway, to me, the older people involved are in the wrong & should not be seeking out those under 18 years old.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

Tom is right, the adults are supposed to protect a young person from his or her weaknesses. They are not to take advantage of them.

It's like how wrong it is to take advantage of a drunk person sexually - they are weak in that moment.

The fact that many adults fail at being honorable in this way does not let them off the hook.

Many people rob and steal, but that doesn't make robbing and stealing right or acceptable or excusable.

 

[wreckage]

genedebs:

When you write that it is common for individuals with CSA to have a period of promiscuos sexual activity it had an immediate effect on me, like an aha moment, that lets me off the hook.

When I think about it, my introduction to it (albeit for years earlier)shifted my world and was an immediate source of pleasure (to escape my abuse at home).

The question with shame and guilt and it being difficult to be around people- the question is how to "work" on that. With drug abuse there are steps- with this....

 

[wreckage]

When you talk about the older person being in the wrong, I remember how they could never look me in the eye or talk afterwards. I don't know the relevancy of that but that popped into my head.

Maybe they knew it was wrong. I know that I was repulsed.

 

[wreckage]

Chris4TheMill:

The think that I keep coming back to is how I volunteered to be taken advantage of. I just can't make that switch in my mind concerning power and the wrongness.

Am I just being hard-headed? Or not understanding.

 

[wreckage]

Chris4TheMill:

Just a sidenote- I recently began reading Grist for the Mill.

 

[genedebs]

Wrecage:

You ask to work on being more comfortable around people and reduce your shame and guilt. There are strategies. One direction is to experience morre contact with people which gives you more opportunities to overcome your reluctance to rik being "found out."

Another is to examine what you are ashamed of, is it the sex acts themselves, or seeking out willing participants? Accepting seeking out willing participant as normal acting out behavior should reduce your shame.

If your concern is homosexual sex, I don't know.

 

[i-m-Bri]

Wow, some really wise responses.
What struck me was Chris4themill saying how older people should look out for the young, not exploit weaknesses

If it was with your peers, I wouldn’t think anything of it, but older people taking advantage...yes that is the definition of abuse to me.