conquering the demon

[DannyT]

Hi guys,

I started this as a response to tryingtolive's recent thread, but I thought it might be useful on its own for the group.

I hear you, I'm with you, I've been there, too. You're not alone.

When I lie awake at night and the thoughts run around like a crazy perpetual motion machine, I find it helps to remind myself that I'm safe where I am right now and that all the anxious thoughts are just fragments of the past that are the voice of the abuse trying to hold me down.

If I give the voice a name (I choose the names of demons), I then have something to fight. "I'm not going to let you control my mind anymore, Azrael (or whatever name works for you." I don't use my abuser's name because I'm not fighting him. He's a nothing, a powerless bit of dust I could take with my hands tied behind my back. I'm fighting the demon who fights every one of us every day. Abuse in general and its effects trying to take every one of us down.

The demon always fights back, but now I have someone else in my head: me. I can try to protect myself from that evil voice.

Then I try to look down upon myself from above as if I were an angel watching over the battle. Then I see myself fighting this battle, all alone in my bed. Then I imagine the angel looking into another room and seeing someone else fighting the battle, too, getting in shots from behind and beside, and yet another room and another battle. And yet another room and another battle. And yet another room, etc. An army of guys fighting hard, every night, everywhere.

Then I can fight the battle for all of us, like a hero, part of an army of souls conquering the demon that is fighting us all.

You're not alone. I hear you, I'm with you, I've been there, too. And, together, we will win.



Danny

 

[kwawk]

Danny - powerful metaphors. Keep fighting the good fight, brother.

 

[DannyT]

Thanks kwak.

I forgot the most interesting part of this visualization. In the middle ages and renaissance monks and other religious folk thought of the various demons as being responsible for various psychological attacks. So if anyone finds this approach useful, there are different demons who attack from different angles, a whole army of baddies to be fought, Fezek, for example, is the demon to fight when being overcome with wrath. Looking into the different demons then gives insight into the kind of psychological state one is fighting and can help define the problem one is facing as one is fighting it.

Danny

 

[traveler]

Danny - very effective visualization. my avatar is my own version of your battle story: David having conquered Goliath. I don't identify Goliath with my abusers - but with the effects of the abuse on me and my life - which I am fighting and defeating every day.
-Lee

 

[DannyT]

Very cool, Lee! I love these kinds of visualizations. I find them really empowering, too. I think it's important to separate the abusers out from the effects of the abuse, too. And the more we see it this way, the truer our overall story becomes, I think.

I use different demons for different aspects of the effects of the abuse. The worst ones for me are ennui/lassitude and difficulty finishing projects for whom the demon is Acedia); anger and lust (unhealthy porn habits thankfully fading!) for which the demon is Asmodeus). You can find pictures of the demons online to make the visualization stronger.

Danny