Connection with my father

[Mikhail098]

For context, my father was a very violent man in my childhood. Mostly it was physical abuse and training, but he had sex with me as well when I was very young. I really try not to think about the sexual abuse from him — I hate that it’s there, but it’s there. Today, we have a very distant relationship, we don’t talk.
I made a painting with a horse. An emaciated and timid type of horse. I sent my mom a picture of it. What I absolutely didn’t expect was that she would show it to my father, because a week later, I get a message from him:

“I saw your painting. That horse is on a very long and hard journey, but finally, he is going on the right path. That horse is me.” (Referring to himself)

In that moment of hearing him, I felt connected to him. Me and my father have very similar histories. We have endured a lot of violence, for him it was many different types which I have not experienced. The difference between me and him is that he perpetuated the violence for another generation, and I haven’t.
I know he can feel a lot of guilt. I agree with him that he’s on the right path, he is much more of a gentle person now.

It is hard to accept he is different now after everything that has happened between us. I remember when it changed, I think I was 17 and when I saw him I could see that he had been crying for a long time, he was very shut down. He took me into the woods and I thought he would hurt me there but he didn’t. He hugged me and sobbed and told me his story. He had endured so much inter family violence and racial violence. It was very sad and familiar to hear. I never saw him so vulnerable -- he was always this larger, powerful intimidating man, but he was crumpled down. This was necessary for him but uncomfortable for me, at that time I was feeling that I’d prefer it if he beat me instead.
But, he still keeps his distance and so do I. I’m still scared of him, I’m distrustful. I think he is still learning how to be a better person.

It matters to me so much that my family members, who have suffered through generational abuse, suffering, and exploitation find some type of healing. Even if we are not in touch, if we are separate and cannot talk anymore, if there is abuse and abandonment between us, I really accept all of that. I still want them to heal. Maybe end our family tradition of hurting each other, though that is too optimistic thinking.
It mattered to me he reached out the way he did. It matters that when I paint it does not exist in a vacuum, that it can connect to my family members who have gone through so much with me. Sometimes I get rare messages from family members which are very poetic. The abuse isn’t only my story. The whole family is involved, and it makes things emotional and hard.

 

[LittleSteve]

I have read your stories and I find it amazing that your father is growing and changing. I know things have been a struggle for you in so many ways and that things have been so difficult. The fact that you’re painting at such an impact on him., And he saw the painting as himself shows how powerful your heart really is. You didn’t say, was the horse you?

it sounds like some things have changed for you in better ways. it sounds like there might be some possibility for a bit of relationship between you two.

 

[Georgie]

It mattered to me he reached out the way he did. It matters that when I paint it does not exist in a vacuum, that it can connect to my family members who have gone through so much with me. Sometimes I get rare messages from family members which are very poetic. The abuse isn’t only my story. The whole family is involved, and it makes things emotional and hard.

Maybe this is an encouraging sign for some kind of reconciliation.

 

[GaD3!]

I read your post it is obvious that in spite of the various issues you mention, that you care about your family members and wish them well. You have a kind heart. Hopefully there can be healing for all of you. Take care.

 

[Sossity]

My mother was the same, it was one of the hardest things for me to process, to this day I can not accept it. After everything she and my farther did, when I was thirteen she flicked a switch in her head and turned it off. She started working at a children’s home and started doing training and she just stopped the violence and emotional attacks. She started asking questions like are you OK would you like to talk, it sounded so false, to much had passed under the bridge, it genuinely just made my skin creep. I’d say I would rather be abused than have a mother as a social worker. My mother or farther were not my sexual abusers but their neglect and conditioning let my abuser in.

I had forgiven them for what the did and did not do. But did they do their best, I can’t say that, if she did she would have switched that switch earlier, if not turn it on at all. As well all got older I knew they could not physically hurt me any more, But I could not trust them, especially my mother. After my farther died she started trying to control me, telling what I was doing, where I needed to be that sort of stuff, after work you need too do this, which would involve 200 mile round trip on UK roads. So being a farther of two myself at the time, I stepped back, I knew any relationship with her would be abusive in someway or another and I did not need that in my life. When she died a few years back I was not told or allowed to be involved in any way, and that is ok, I wished her the best and let it go, long before her passing.

So why do I tell you this, Where are you with your processing of your relationship with your farther, if he passed tomorrow would you be ok with it, or would you grief the broken man you now know. Do you forgive him, if not trust him. He needs and it would appears has started to own what is his to own and in the way of that generation is trying to say sorry, without actually saying it. My farther came close to it once over is silly thing, as this genuinely is the closest he ever got to apologising for anything, ever, when pushed by my mother he said; “the boy knows what I mean”.

You have shown yourself to be stronger than him in breaking the chain of abuse, for that you can be immensely proud, there is no right or wrong way to process you relationship with your father, all you can do is what you need, what will be easiest for you to reconcile now and in later life. There is a song by James Blunt called Monsters, which help me process my own feelings, it a hard listen, what does it make you feel? It made me cry not for the reason it does for many, I watched my farther die, but because even though I was there I could not have that level of emotional attachment to him. I was able to grieve my farther but at the same time there was so much of him I could not grieve, he and my mother helped put my monster there in the first place. Does that make sense?

Many your horse keep travelling along his road, my he find food and water a grow stronger.

 

[LRD]

@Mikhail098, I always held onto HOPE tightly.
I hesitated to read your post initially, because I knew it would be difficult for me, experiencing very similar past with my father.

It sounds as if your father has had time to digest some or at least reflect upon his past. It’s a very difficult situation and I’m not one to say or tell you what to feel. From my own experience, I still have very mixed feelings at times with the relationship or lack of with my father.
I came across this quote, I don’t know where it’s from but I’ll share with you. It took me back when I read it.

AS YOU GROW OLDER, YOU BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND your father was just a man trying his best with what he knew.
Forgive him. He was living life for the first time,

I saved this quote and reflect upon it from time to time. My father lived to be ninety, he never admitted wrong, I don’t even know if it was possible for him. Maybe he was just evil, but he was still my father.
I wish you the best and hold the HOPE, anything is possible.

 

[Mikhail098]

Thank you all genuinely for your thoughtful responses. I don’t consider building a relationship with my father at this time. I know you guys come with perspectives from a different stage in life. I am 20 years old, only a couple years removed from the childhood of abuse and I’m in no position to try or want a relationship with him. I don’t think he is ready either… he does not put any effort to keep in touch with me aside from these surprise messages, rarely. Still, they mean a lot to me. The distance between us also means a lot to me. This doesn’t mean I want a relationship with him, at least give it a few years before I reconsider my feelings. There is a lot of pain there I need to process and I hope he puts in the work too. Though I understand him, I do not forget his violence. I do not forget that his abandonment to give me to my grandparents to raise me put me in the position to be trafficked for sex by my grandfather. His role in my trafficking is still something I need to figure out.
I accept, I understand, I still do not forget, it still does not solve the deep instinct he put into me of submission. Fear overtakes me in his presence, even if I don't want it to. That is something I have to work on. I have to work on becoming my own person before attempting to connect with abusive family, I understand that.
I've said a couple times, that if my father were a stranger to me, he would be much like any other member on this forum. But, we have this intense history there.

We will never have a normal relationship of father and son and I don’t have a problem with that. Simply hearing he is working through his trauma and actions is enough. This post isn't about the relationship between me and my father, but the progress he has made. I still really care about him, even if we are not on good terms.

 

[daveHello]

My stepfather was also very violent and mean towards me in my early teens but it was the opposite, when I allowed him to have sex with me he actually started seeing me as something of value rather than just a hindrance so it actually changed him a little, his violence stopped mostly, he just continued with the spoken and mean treatments which was better than being bruised and in pain from beatings.

 

[broncosfann1979]

I am starting to wonder if the reason that my dad was so distant and unaffected was that he himself was a pedophile. Since his passing in 2012, there have been reports of him doing this to nieces and other young girls. On the day of the first rape, all he did was chastise me about not being able to find the TV remote.

 

[Mikhail098]

I am starting to wonder if the reason that my dad was so distant and unaffected was that he himself was a pedophile.

There is a difference between abusing a child due to pedophilic motivations, compared to abusing a child because of reenactment tendencies and being told that's what you have to do... the conditioning runs strong in my family. If it is the perpetrator's intention, then undoing that conditioning can change everything.
The child gets hurt either way, but the motivations of the perpetrator I believe can show to what degree he is capable of change.

 

[Mikhail098]

When a pedophile acts out on his impulses, that is devastating.
I know my father's mindset very well because it was my mindset too. A hierarchy exists and it has to be enforced, both from the top and the bottom. He needed to enforce my subordinance by dominating me. From how the memory went, him having sex with me was an impulse, but I don't think like a pedophile's impulse. it was an impulse to control me. To make me a more profitable, obedient kid to be trafficked, to make me easier to handle... who knows.
When the hierarchy dissolves, i think those impulses start to crumble. they're really just fabricated.
I know how when I was a child I really believed in this hierarchy which involved our family, clients, powerful men, children. I could easily make a chart explaining all the power dynamics between each individual and each group. I was born into this and fully absorbed into the mentality I was inferior. And those kids who were "below" me in our hierarchy, I didn't treat them well, I didn't feel for them like I should have. Instead of empathetic feeling and reasoning, I followed whatever I was told. I feel different now that I left. The hierarchy is out of my life, the trafficking ring is out of my life, that old logic falls apart as I learn to live in a healthier way. That is why I understand my father.

 

[Bluedogone]

Hey @Mikhail098

Thanks for sharing this very personal part of your experience with your father. It must be especially emotional to realize your painting has such a strong impact on him in spite of past actions and in spite of the continued strained relationship. Time and space has a way of making seemingly impossible situations into unexpectedly great conclusions. So keep that glimmer of hope alive. But having said that, you're definitely taking the right approach by forgiving and understanding his circumstances, but in no way forgetting your own recent experiences.

Your forum post really landed a gut punch with me. My own father passed away many years ago with an unfulfilled hope that we would some day have a real father son relationship Not so much violence, but more of a general indifference to me and disappointment that I wasn't the son he wanted. I hope you never get discouraged in your pursuit of breaking this generational divide of violence and abuse. And that you may continue to blot it out with your own generation and future family. Take care of yourself.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

The difference between me and him is that he perpetuated the violence for another generation, and I haven’t.

And it is exactly this mindset of the younger generation that makes me feel a little less anxious about the world and gives me hope.

 

[broncosfann1979]

There is a difference between abusing a child due to pedophilic motivations, compared to abusing a child because of reenactment tendencies and being told that's what you have to do... the conditioning runs strong in my family. If it is the perpetrator's intention, then undoing that conditioning can change everything.
The child gets hurt either way, but the motivations of the perpetrator I believe can show to what degree he is capable of change.

My dad was not the perpetrator in my abuse. I do think that this numbed his concern though. Instead of being repulsed by even the thought of it, he downplayed it or simply ignored it.