Dear Beginning:
Maybe if you don't mind, PM me about what's happening in EMDR. I went through it back in 1993 and personally didn't see any way that I could have consciously blocked stuff from coming up.... it was just sort of uncontrolled and spontaneous. AND the doctor made sure that I didn't leave the office afterwards until he was sure that I was going to be OK. I'm no expert, but maybe if you tell me how it's being done and what the reactions are, I can give you some type of comparison or idea as to what's happening.
I think that pursuing a group in "real time" (as I call it - a face-to-face group) is a great idea. I attended one for a little over 2 years and then had to leave because of health problems. It's very scary to walk in a room with 6 or 7 other men wondering if you'll be judged, but you'll quickly find out that everyone there is having very similar problems to what you're experiencing. I was so relieved after my first session. It took a few sessions before I felt enough courage to share my feelings, thoughts, fears, and shame. But after I did it, I felt so liberated. I am also grateful because out of the group I developed a great friend. We meet on a regular basis and we both feel comfortable enough to share what's going on in our lives without being afraid.
I am concerned about two things that you mentioned - first, that you have isolated yourself from friends and family. I can understand the family part - I had to separate myself from my family because they were so toxic. However, it's important when you are feeling like this to have some type of safety-net of people around you who can simply be there to listen when you are in need. This doesn't mean that you have to pour your heart out to your friends, but it can be enough for them to know that something's bothering you and you just need to have someone around you for a while.
The other thing that I'm concerned about is that you said "and I become depressed and suicidal". If this is the case, I hope that you have enough strength to call a hotline or get your therapist on the phone. However, I'm assuming that you mean just thoughts and not an actual plan. In either case, you need to talk this out with someone.
Again, I'm no doctor or expert, but are you on an anti-depressant? If not, you may want to check with a psychiatrist or family doctor to see if you can be placed on one. They don't take the problems away, nor do they give you a "high" - they simply correct whatever chemical imbalance is going on in the brain and you suddenly realize that your way of coping with the problems is different. That ever-present heavy cloud seems to vaporize.
And lastly, keep writing here. The very fact that you have written what you did tells me that you can't be in complete denial - you have acknoledged the abuse, you've stated how you feel, and you have reached out for help. I think that deserves a great deal of credit for having the guts to come here. To me, denial would be to say that nothing happened, or it happened but everything is just peachy now.
I won't sugar-coat it - these feelings may never go away. However, the up and down rollercoaster of feelings, over time, will smooth out to gentle peaks and valleys. You're in a very rough patch right now. And as hard as it is to be there, you're going to be okay.
One final word - if you decide to look for a group in your area, be persistant. I live in a major city of 3,000,000 and found only two groups specifically for male sexual abuse survivors. AND, it took quite a few calls to rape hotlines, county agencies, etc. But my persistence paid off. I found a wonderful group and, now that I need a T again, I am seeing the T who ran the group in the beginning.
Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions about anything - not just the EMDR.
SD
