Confused
I have been a closeted person for many years. my abuse first took place when I was 11. I remember the other older boys that I used to play with who took pleasure in fondling me and asking me to do certain favours for them. I also remember the taunting from those sames boys in public calling me a fagot and beating me up on some occations. I always was a pleaser growing up. I always tried to make friends with everyone. I never wanted to have someone looking down at me so I did many things without thinking about the consequnces.
Some of the abuse I dealt with was forced and more over I don't like to go into it. I remember being cornered in the locker room by a group of guys in junior high making advances at me and some touching me in my private areas. I remember sitting on the bus and having one of the guys who I though was my friend grope me and feel me up asking me to let him perform oral sex on me. There are many other times that I expierenced other forms of abuse that I didn't relise was abuse until I began therapy. I am trying to better understand my past and deal with it. I have masked allot of things that happened and it seems that they are coming to surface now in my life. I sometimes wished that I never remembered them. But it is my life and I have to deal with what I have been dealt.
I am married and have been for 5 years now. My wife knows of my issues with my sexuality and it has almost broken us apart. I have always loved women. I also have a strong attraction for men as well. My therapist says that since I had my first sexual expieriences with men that that is the cause for my attraction. But I do question that. Was I born this way? Why did the people who did what they did feel the need to choose me? Why can't or why couldn't I be a normal guy like the rest of the kids growing up? Was it my abnormality that brought on what I went through. I have had these questions floating around inside of me for months now. It is just now this year that I am actually acknowledging the abuse that I went through growing up. I don't know. But I do know one thing. It hurts...
Some of the abuse I dealt with was forced and more over I don't like to go into it. I remember being cornered in the locker room by a group of guys in junior high making advances at me and some touching me in my private areas. I remember sitting on the bus and having one of the guys who I though was my friend grope me and feel me up asking me to let him perform oral sex on me. There are many other times that I expierenced other forms of abuse that I didn't relise was abuse until I began therapy. I am trying to better understand my past and deal with it. I have masked allot of things that happened and it seems that they are coming to surface now in my life. I sometimes wished that I never remembered them. But it is my life and I have to deal with what I have been dealt.
I am married and have been for 5 years now. My wife knows of my issues with my sexuality and it has almost broken us apart. I have always loved women. I also have a strong attraction for men as well. My therapist says that since I had my first sexual expieriences with men that that is the cause for my attraction. But I do question that. Was I born this way? Why did the people who did what they did feel the need to choose me? Why can't or why couldn't I be a normal guy like the rest of the kids growing up? Was it my abnormality that brought on what I went through. I have had these questions floating around inside of me for months now. It is just now this year that I am actually acknowledging the abuse that I went through growing up. I don't know. But I do know one thing. It hurts...
