Confused

[Jerhun]

Just a warning, I wanted to let you all know that this is longish, and I don't know what people are going to find offensive, or what might trigger someone. So I want to say in advance, I'm sorry if I say anything that is inapproperate or causes anyone any pain, that is the last thing I would ever want to do. I know that this is a delicate subject and can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for the survivors here, I know that just being a friend and family member of a few survivors is difficult enough. With that said -

Have you ever had something in your life that just didn't seem real, that you didn't want to be real, until one day, all of a sudden, the reality of it all hits you like a ton of bricks. That happened to me just about 3 weeks ago, and since that night I just can't stop thinking about it. About 3 weeks ago I had a man who I was dating for about a month in September tell me that he was sexually abused as a child by his kindergarden teacher, and that his older brother was abused by this same teacher, and his brother, modeling the behavior of the teacher, abused him. The topic came up because we were talking about him moving to San Diego with his brother, and he decided not to because he can't live with his brother (understandable), I made a comment about brother rivelry, and that's when he told me. I don't know y he told me - he was a little drunk at the time though, I don't know if that had anything to do with it. After he told me I felt like I'd just been dropped of a building. At first all I did was hold him closer - we were lying in bed at the time (our history is long and complex even without this, if you want to hear it feel free to PM me), and say that I was sorry he had to go through that - I still don't know where he is as far as recovery/survival process is concerned. Then he started to talk about my uncle. I have an uncle on my dad's side who is a conviced pedifile (sp?), who likes little boys. He said that when he found out about my uncle he wanted to stop seeing me. I don't know if I mentioned my uncle before or after we stopped seeing each other, but I do know that around that time my dad was getting married - again - and that I was going up to his wedding and I know I mentioned that I didn't like my dad's side of the family (I'm not very close to my dad or his family, my parents divorced when I was 5), specifically that uncle and another uncle. The way that I deal with things in my life is to joke about them, and I know that I have made some very inaproperate jokes, not just about my uncle. I used to tell people that I was never molested to my knoweldge (that's one I won't be repeating anymore). Lying there next to him I felt like such an ass for some of the things I might have said, unknowingly. Then I found myself thinking about my brother, and something my mom had told me when I was home for christmas. My mom told me that my uncle once took my brother to the park, just the two of them. No one knows what happened in that park, only my brother and my uncle. I told this man about my brother, he just shhhhed me, and after I got out that sentence I didn't say another word and we haven't talked about it since.

Before that night I knew who my uncle was, I knew what he had been to prison for. I knew that my brother loved to go to his electronics store to visit him, and that there was a clause in my parents child custody papers that stated that my brother and I could not be left alone in the same room as my uncle. And after last Christmas I pretty much have a good idea what happened in that park, but the reality of all this didn't hit me till 3 weeks ago, when this man who I care about so much told me. It's funny that I call him a man. I think most people look at him and see a boy still (he's gonna be 22 Friday, he's a smaller guy 5'9 1/2", 145lb), but I have always seen him as a man, I told him this a few weeks after we started seeing each other. I don't think he believed me. The last 3 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. I find myself angry, ashamed, and there have been more then one night that I have been in tears over this, thinking about the pain they must have gone through and are still living with. I'm seeing a councler and my two last appointment we have spent talking about this for about half of my appointment, she keeps reminding me to not blaim myself. I just can't get my brain around this. I'm an excelent researcher and I've been doing a bit of research on the subject - that's how I found this site - so that I can better understand what he has been through, and then I get so angry at myself for not doing this when I found out about my brother, that I never put 2 and 2 together. That I ignored my brother. After my parents divorced I took the role of looking out for my brother. I got into so many fights with my father - he was emotionally abusive to both of us - to try to get my father off my brother, and at the same time I was so afraid of my father that I hid so much from him to excape his yelling. I was my brother's defender even though he hated it. I keep reminding myself that I was just the sister and I couldn't be expected to protect him from everything. I just feel so helpless. I wish I knew what I could do for them. I know that I can't call my brother and say "Hey I know what our uncle did," that would be a very bad idea. I do know that I am very proud of my brother and the life that he is finally making for himself, and I do keep in touch with him and have told him that I am proud of him. At my dad's wedding my brother and I had a great conversation - to most it would have looked like a fight, but it was good to sit and talk to him and come to an understanding with him, he really opened up to me for the first time. I know that that is all I can ever do for him unless he actually tells me himself. As far as this man is concerned, I've wanted to and had several oppertunities to talk to him, but I just don't know what to say. I really don't think he wants to talk about it. I think I'm just going to appoligise for anything I might have said in the past and to let him know that I am here for him no matter what. On night my car broke down at 2:30am and I had seconds left on my cell battery, I called him, gave a terrible description of where I was and within 20 mins he was there calling AAA, rescuing me. He said he like that he could be there for me, and that if I ever needed anything I could count on him, and I want him to know that he can trust me, and that I will be there for him as well.

I hope this wasn't too long, I get a bit (ok a lot) wordy, what can I say, I'm a writer. Thanks for listening, and having a great site. Oh yeah and sorry about the spelling

Jerhun

 

[Lloydy]

Jehrun
You don't seem to be doing so bad in what you're doing, you accept that you shouldn't go in all guns blazing and rescue those guys you care about. And that's probably crucial, most Survivors seem run a mile when someone comes to save us.

Support however is a different thing, we like that and take all we can get !
We might not seem to like that sometimes even, because we're a difficult bunch of people. But we get over that, we learn to accept support gracefully in the end.

Dave

 

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[SAR]

Jerhun,

I'm sorry about your friend and your brother. I know the emotional impact of having to go through your past because of someone's disclosure.

Don't feel too responsible for things you may have said before your friend told you about his abuse. If you've inadvertently offended him, of course it's right to apologize, but what you do and say now is much more important in the end than what you may have done before.

Support comes in many different forms. Just because your friend doesn't want to talk about his abuse doesn't mean that he's forgotten that you know. Survivors have a lot of fear about being seen and treated differently once people know they've been abused, so just being the same, supportive friend you've always been, will help more than you think.

SAR

 

[SAR]

Squigy said:

Another question is have you told your brother about your friend?

If you haven't told your brother about your friend, I don't think you should. It seems that your friend doesn't want to hear about your brother either--it could be that he's not ready to hear it, or it could be that he doesn't feel that such private information should be given out secondhand (in this case, even third-hand, because your brother didn't even tell you--your mother did). And I'm sure that feeling would extend to his own disclosure.

There is a male survivor besides my boyfriend who is very close to me, who isn't in the greatest shape these days and doesn't know about my boyfriend. There are times I think that it would do both of them so much good to talk together, just to know that the other one is out there, and I'll admit that because of that I've encouraged their friendship in the hope that one day they'll open up to each other. But I even feel guilty and manipulative about that sometimes. And I certainly feel that anything else would be a breach of confidence. Especially for this other guy who's not doing so great. I think that any benefit he may get out of it would be wrecked by the betrayal of having his trust broken in the first place.

S

 

[Bill_1965]

Jerhun,

Dave nailed it.

You don't seem to be doing so bad in what you're doing, you accept that you shouldn't go in all guns blazing and rescue those guys you care about. And that's probably crucial, most Survivors seem run a mile when someone comes to save us.

A small push towards "help" can be a huge push away. A defensive move. Push equals control being taken. Running away is something we have control of. On the surface of a hurting person, doing something that gives us control seems to be the right move, whether it is good for us or not.

Support however is a different thing, we like that and take all we can get !

We sure can. Plenty of it.

Take care,
Bill

 

[Jerhun]

Thank you all so much for your responces, they have all been really helpful and given me a lot to think about: if I should say anything, and offer my support, and how he might see/react to anything I do or say.

Well, I saw him last night (he installed the stereo in my car and was returning the owners manuel) and I know that he is very busy - it took him 3 weeks to get the owners manuel back to me - so I didn't know when I would get the chance to talk to him again, so I talk to him last night. I had someother things that I wanted to say to him as well so I talking about those first. We had dated in September, but stopped dating because both our schedules got so hetic. I told him that I still cared for him, that my feelings hadn't changed, and that I knew me telling him this wouldn't change anything, but that I had been wanting to tell him that I thought he was the kindest, most careing, wonderful person I'd ever met since we were dating, and just wanted to say it because I didn't know when I would ever get the change again - we are both so busy we hardly ever see each other. He said that he wished he had met me at a time in his life when he wasn't so busy, and then we talked about what was going on in our lives. Right before he left I stopped him - we were standing up - I grabbed his hand and said there was one more thing, I never let go of his hand.

I asked him if he remembered what he told me the last time he spent the night. He stopped to think for a minute. I could tell by the look on his face (that can we not talk about this, I want to hide in a whole look) that he realized what I was talking about. I said, "I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but I just wanted to appoligize if I had ever said anything that offened you about this." He just knodded. "I also just wanted to let you know that if there is anything you need, anything at all, with this or anything else, you can always call me. I promise I'll never bring this up again. I can imagine it must have been very difficult for you." I don't know if he hugged me, or if I hugged him, but then we hugged. The second we stopped hugging we went back to conversation as normal, talking about normal everyday stuff. He went home.

I feel really good, like I did the right thing. I don't know what is going to happen next, but that is what life is all about isn't it. I'm going to keep doing research until I feel I have a good grasp on the research that is out there so that if he takes me up on my offer I can have that info to help me out. Again, thank you so much to all of you, your words were invaluable.

Jerhun

 

[Lloydy]

Jehrun

I feel really good, like I did the right thing. I don't know what is going to happen next, but that is what life is all about isn't it.

Don't you just love it when a plan comes together ?

Dave

 

[PAS]

Jehrun - sounds like you did the right thing with your friend.

It also sounds like in your original post that you had some sadness or guilt about what you might have done to protect your brother. From your story it sounds like you had a rough childhood too, even though you were not abused yourself that you had to go through a family breakup and take a lot of responsibility for your brother, which is overwhelming if you are young yourself.

Dont blame yourself about this - you were young at the time and there is little that anyone, particularly someone young can do to thwart a manipulative pedophile. They take advantage of the young and/or naiive. You did the best you could at the time and dont blame yourself for not protecting your brother. Your parents had the ultimate responsibility for protecting him and it sounds like their own problems put them in a situation where they were unable to do so.

So please - no self blame. Nobody here would ever see that there was anything else you could do - you were young too at the time. Its a sad fact that there are so many "if I had known then what I know now" moments in life but hindsight is 20/20 and its easy to do the "shoulda-coulda-woulda" game.. but what happened happened.

I find that I get really stressed worrying about things that I cannot do anything about - because it gives me such an angry, helpless feeling - rather than focussing on what I have and can do now and in the future.

Good luck - this is a great support site for both survivors and family/friends. I have been here for a few years and it has been unbelievably supportive and valuable for me.

P