confused

confused
A

alexey

Registrant
I want to ask you a question. My mom told me not long ago, "You can go where you want and study, but know that if you will, I myself won't study. We won't afford it." It was enough to make me rethink my plans and stay with the family. By the way, I was sure I should have been with my father as I have had a feeling that he had hurt me, betrayed me. So I wanted to 'outgrow' my sorrow and probably get over him with his selfish and abusive manners. My mother now says that she is not going to study... It was a source of confusion.

Also, I talked to a man who's a friend of the family's, and he said to me I should not feel sorrow because dad is dad. I do not understand it, or I do not want. Dad is an abusive man. I don't want to be like him.

Basically, I am not sorry that I'll stay there. I shall work, and that is good. Imagine, I have said 'no' to a couple of job offers when I was a student. One was a teaching position at the Univ., and another was a position in the local administration. At the time I was offered them, I got many different feelings, but I was definite to study further in Europe. Now I feel I am a failure. These were not my mistakes, as I analyzed well the situation.

Maybe I am wrong about this. Did I make mistakes? Why do I feel I am too weak?
 
Alexey,
Don't doubt yourself. You are an intelligent and thoughtful man. The decisions you have made were made with the best intent and seemed correct at the time given the information you had. Go forward with deserved confidence. Peace, Andrew
 
Alexey,

You are not at all a failure.

First, it seems that your mother manipulated you a bit, to maintain the parental control over you.

As for the person trying to tell you how to feel,and that 'Dad is dad', well, sorry, that is crap. An a-hole is an a-hole as well, it doesn't make them right, or the need to be accepted. Both of my parents were abusive, and I have varying levels of acceptance and tolerance for each of them. but I would keenly resent someone else telling me how to feel of them. Grow up in my shoes, in my family, with my parents and my life, and THEN you can tell me how to feel. Otherwise, buzz off.

I am sorry that you have lost those job offers, however, obviously you are someone who earned such offers. That would mean to me that they will not be the only ones given to you. Take pride in whatever you end up doing, and do it as well as possible. That is not at all failure.

Leosha
 
Thans for support, Leosha! Thanks a lot. Sometimes I am down in the dumps and feeling I am bad, but these thoughts were suggested to me in my childhood and I should work on them. I appreciate your invitation to PM to you. It is very helpful by itself. You, and the other guys, are very supportive, and help to make real steps to take charge of my real life.

Alexey
 
Alexey,

it is hard, yes. For people, it seem they speak it to you to just ignore things, or forget things because they are your parents. Parents to can make mistakes, and cause pain, and it should not be we let it happen just because they are parent. Two good friends of mine here, both them are hurt more by parents even then outside people.

People who do feel uncomfortable with these issues, it is perhaps they wish to feel if they do not discuss them, if they deny them, they will not exist. It do not happen that way, but that is how some people deal. It do not make it right, and do not make you wrong.

I wish to you good luck with healing, and I hope we can know you more.

Andrei
 
Hi alexey.

I also agree with Leosha's post that you are not a failure. I know how you feel sometimes, for I too for a dozen years or so believed strongly that I was a failure and would end up like my father, stuck on welfare, drunk and alone.

Well, I must say that even though I am alone, unlike my father, I've used welfare as a springboard to get me through school in a decent program and now I work for the canadian federal government. So in that sense, I've surpassed him. I'm not stuck at home with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other wasting my life in front of the TV. I'm finally out there doing my small part for society. And even though I'm on contract work, I'm not worried anymore about finding more work. Not like before. My contract here was orginally for 5 weeks back in November 2004, and 5 extensions later (the 6th coming up soon) I'm still here, so for me it's a great sense of accomplishment and that I'm doing good work for my employers (I have 3 bosses :) ).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you allow yourself to keep an open mind to the universe (or God, or whatever your beliefs are), it'll steer you in the right direction without you even trying. To quote a line in the movie K-Pax:

"Expect the unexpected, and keep your mind open to all possibilities."

Or something to that effect...

Easier said than done I know, but it can also be easier done than said too if you choose to believe.

Best wishes alexey.
MR
 
Mystic Rhythm, what you say makes sense to me. I am able to do this, and this is good. I can do much with the help of those who understand how life is working for Survivors of sexual abuse. The most important thing here is probably not what I know. I am sure that I have always strived for something arising of my far dreams, and desires. Although what I'll get can be very different from what is coming to the mind at this moment of time, I'll either accept it or not thus making further decisions. The argument I have is that it is very important to make decisions. There is the main assumption that I desereve a normal life. Political viwes, beliefs, morality ideas, et cetera, might lead to the goal.
 
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