Confused

[WrLes]

Hi, this is my first post here,
A few years ago I had what you could callo a 'flashback' of a situation that happened between myself and my older brother (three and a half years older) when I was about six or so. I recall feeling fear, shame and revulsion at the time but I only remember that I did something to him, touched a body part (not the genitals though) to this day this sickens me and it keeps playing over and over in my mind. I recall him wanting to do the same to me but I was so afraid and thank god he didn't but I don't know how this situation started or what the so-called trigger for it was, I just wish it would go away. The pain of it is that this is the only thing that I can recall re" an abusive situation yet from the surface of the memory I would be the one doing the abusing. I can't live with this horrific confusion, why I should feel so bad about something if I was to blame???!! I certainly do not remember being 'curious' in that regard to sexual or body areas and I have never abused anyone or found any interest in wanting to do so, in fact sex has disinterested me my entire life. As a 30 year old man I feel almost physically sick when I get called a 'man' in conversation, I hate being a man and the very image of it. My older brother is extremely emotionally immature and since moving back home to live with myself and my parents I have been living in fear of him, my body has been racked with chronic pain and fatigue, he has always been verbally and psychologically abusive to me even in the last six months, I can't stand being near him yet why should this be so when my only memory is of me touching him not the other way around, I can't bear this anymore, the pain and confusion is literally overwhelming. Out of sheer desperation I had a psychic reading not long ago to help find the reason for my chronic fatigue and it turns out (if I am to believe correctly) that my brother abused me quite badly before the age of five (I have no memories below that age so I cannot know for sure) I did not volunteer details of my brother to her at all, this was her own findings. So now all I have to go on is the word of some psychic and my own body pain, somehow it isn't enough. I can't stand being an ugly goddam male any more, is this a normal feeling? Am I the sick one??! Please, I don't know if there is anyone reading this who has experienced aomething similar, I need to know I' not alone.

Thanks,

Wr

 

[ScottyTodd]

Hey Wr - Welcome to the site and I'm sure glad you posted! That is taking the first step in outreaching for support and help. This is the right place to seek that!

I can hear your frustration, confusion, doubt crying out for help! Our minds don't usually remember the past the way it happened for our own protection. As for me, it took me 30+ years to finally realize I (a 5 year old) didn't perp on my 10 year old cousin. My mind twisted and turned my memories putting the complete guilt on me. Many of us carry feelings and clouded memories from our past but don't know how, why or where they come from. Often, I hear survivors complain because they are not sure IF it happened or not...they may have no memory earlier then (put in a young age). Memories and feelings sometimes take a therapist or support group to knock off the protective covering. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! You are probably "normal" for the 'abnormal' past you lived through.

Read some articles here, look through the archives of past posts and see how much a part of this kind of recovery you are. DON'T STOP POSTING...Talk with the guys here...we've all been through a lot. This is a great group of guys and all share recovery! Welcome on board!

(((hugs))) Howard

 

[WrLes]

Thankyou very much Howard,

your kind words mean a lot to me, it helps to get these things out and to know that at least someone knows, you know.. I'm not very good at posting in forums, because of the pressure, these days I'm finding being social online is almost as draining as being social 'out there' in the real world. I'm sorry to hear you went through such a traumatic time as a child too Howard but glad that you are here to provide support (and get it too!).
The part about being confused as to the memories that we have sounds about right, when I add up all the other instances of abuse I've never once been abusive to 'him' not that I'm perfect by any means but you know what I mean.Doctors can't find a reason for the chronic pain but I feel it''s somehow to do with the stress of being around him again. I wanted to apologize for the overly-detailed post too it was maybe a bit much for a first post.
Take care of yourself too Howard, you been thru the mill.

Wr