Confused..

Confused..
B

biz

Registrant
I thought I had gotten over the fact what my perp did to me. I had more trouble dealing with this one issue. I know this may not be the perfect place to talk about it, but I do hope all you, as my fellow friends can hear me and hopefully can relate with me..

I never thought this was due to what happened, but I just spoke to a therapist that a friend had call me..

Basically, 14 months ago I had issues with relationships, everytime a girl would give in or just show interest I would drop her like a bad habit, just stop calling. One day, i was sitting alone asking myself why I can't keep a relationship and I asked myself well maybe am I gay, and that thought just stick with me, for over a year now. I used to be a heavy marijuana smoker, and it went away, I told myself once i quit smoking it would all come back, and it did. For the past 3 weeks I have felt incredibly horrible, I don't know anymore. I've never had any physical attraction to a man, always loved women and hope to continue to but these thoughts in my head are killing me. I don't have the money to afford a therapist but I was wondering if anyone knew of something that can help. Thank you.
 
Biz,

I am sure you will have many more, and more helpful answers soon, but just to give you some ideas.

There are a number of articles here on this site that can help you understand your confusion and help you start to sort it out. All of them are available from the top menu bar at the opening page of this site https://malesurvivor.org

Here are a few to start with: the first is written just for young men like you.

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adolescent%20Survivors/Articles/bsnl.htm

https://www.malesurvivor.org/10%20Facts.htm

https://www.malesurvivor.org/myths.htm

There are any number of books you can read, but I'll let others recommend some titles.

Your main concern is about a very basic part of life, and your own self-identity. It is very tough to do this alone, or even with just the excellent advice and support you can get here.

It will be best to find a therapist, somehow, some way. Are you in school? Most colleges, even community colleges have free or very low-cost counselling services. That would be a place to start.

If you're even near a college or university, they may have programs for young people who aren't students. There are county health services and rape crisis hot-lines, even just crisis hot-lines that might help. There are also national organizations that may have some help in your area. Again, some of the other guys will have some organization names for you.

Another thing you may be overlooking is your parents' help. You said elsewhere that your mom had always asked you if he had ever touched you. She must have had good reason to think that, so maybe she would be someone you can trust with this finally, and she can help you get the help you need.


I hope this all helps.

Donald
 
This is horrible, thoughts of men are in my thoughts while i'm alone masturbating. I don't know what to think or do anymore, as soon as it happens I just stop myself and freak out, this happened tonight and last night, the first time and I don't like the feeling. I just end up losing it and not wanting to go on anymore. God, whats becoming of me..
 
biz,
as dificult as it is to believe, being victimized throws off everything that is sexual. that means that while we are dealing with our recovery we are also dealing with the confusion of what our body is reacting to from out of the past. all of us have fantasies that are very disturbing to each of us and they run the gamut from the odd to the truly painful. our understanding of sexuality was twisted by the abuse and part of the recovery is relearning what that is all about that does not involve pain or shame. i know it hurts you right now and i cannot suggest any resources right off except this site and to keep posting and reaching out. we are here for you, biz.
 
Biz... I know how difficult this is. I can only give my own experience to you. Maybe it will help.

I am straight. I have a girlfriend. I hate being intimate with her... it's triggering, and difficult, and upsetting. I need to think of violent male images in order to get off with her and when I am masturbating. I hate it. It scares me. I feel strange and sick and twisted and terrified that she will find out what I think about when I'm with her.

I finally told my therapist about these "fantasies" and we've worked on it a bit. I have not gone to the place of thinking I was gay because of them. I went straight (no pun intended) to the abuse as the cause. I haven't made much progress, but it has helped to accept that the sexual switch that was turned on in me at a very young age is what has affected me in this way.

It doesn't mean that everyone who is gay has sexual trauma in their past. It doesn't mean that just because someone who is gay and had sexual trauma in their past makes their sexual preference wrong or out of their free will.

It just means that your relationship with your own sexuality is something that is complicated, even for people without sexual abuse.

I hope I'm making sense. Keep posting... this is a tough issue for many of us here.

-Sean
 
Before all this happened, and I started to question myself, I had no problem with a woman, now its hard and i'm so nervous now everytime I think about it, this pain the thoughts just riddle my head and I can't get them out, I know if I just were to relax it would all go away. But I tell myself to relax and it all comes to me, like a sharp pain going from my heart all over my body. I haven't told my girlfriend this yet, and i'm scared to. I told her about these feelings and we are going through with it, I think i'm ready to come out to my mom about it. I just don't know if these thoughts or normal, does me being nervous and scared about having these thoughts make the thoughts come around when i'm in my moment of intimacy? I'm sorry if i'm talking to much, this place is all I have.
 
Biz,

The thing is, and I agree with what's been said here, is that SA screws up your sexual development. Sometimes, if your original orientation was gay, it makes you reject that and forces you into straight experiences. If you're straight, it can screw up your attitude toward physical pleasure and makes you feel like you're gay.

But I should also hasten to point out one thing, SA CANNOT make you change your orientation. If you're straight, you're straight, and if you're gay, you're gay. It cannot make you something you're not.

Having said this, I DO believe that SA can mess up your sexual development. If you had asked me 5 years ago if I was straight or gay, I'd have told you straight, no question. Although I believed (and still do!) that sexuality is too complex to be completely one or the other (the Kinsey Institute has some great articles on this subject), I thought I leaned specifically toward heterosexual.

Then, a couple of years ago, I got, what could be charitibly called, feelings, curiosity, a need to experiment sexually. Keep in mind, I was no young adult, I was 34 years old at the time. This was before my repressed memories of SA came back, and I acted on those feelings. Since then, well, I really don't know what my orientation is. I still am attracted to women, but I am also attracted to men. And, yes, I do have violent sexual fantasies that I know now are at least indirectly connected to my experiences.

You see, my abuser (selfish p***k that he was!) robbed me of the chance to find out normally what my sexuality was. He abused me when I was first developing true sexual feelings (11) and screwed up my views on sex, sexuality, self-worth, the whole bit. If I had been allowed to grow up and mature without this rather unpleasant relationship, who know where I would be or who I'd be hooking up with for my intimate relationships? I was robbed of the chance to find out normally.

There is no shame in feeling the way you do, or having attractions the way that you do. We're human, and we can find anyone and anything attractive (look at some of the more extreme porn sites that are out there!). The only thing wrong with this is the shame that we feel. And there is NOTHING to be ashamed about.

You're going through what a lot of us go through, and that can really leave us feeling messed up. Talk to someone you trust who you think can handle this and see if you can work your way through. Now, you said you cannot afford a therapist. Have you considered calling your area rape crisis center? Most states provide abuse-based therapy free-of-charge and they're experts in not only guiding you past the abuse issues, but everything else associated with it, including sexuality questions. be aware that, while it's still pretty much a female-oriented area, the therapists are getting more and more familiar with men who have survived SA as children and adults.

Mostly, love yourself. You've been through a lot and it's a good thing you've survived. You're a worthy person, capable of loving and being loved. I know you have a lot to contribute here and I can't wait to hear what more you have to say. Nothing that happened to you was your fault. You have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to be ashamed about.

Now, I will say something to you that I say to everyone I meet here. It sometimes makes people uncomfortable, but I mean it in the purest sense. I love you, my brother, no strings attached.

Peace,

Scot
 
Today, when I came into work, I was on the brink of tears, I stopped myself twice, I didn't allow this to happen to me. I didn't allow myself to be weak, I can't be weak. Before all of this happened, I wanted to have children, and get married, I never once had these thoughts. Now everything seems to have shattered, it hurts. It hurts that I have my girlfriend and she is just being strung along, I tell her everything but I feel so horrible. I am at work, trying to get by the day. After speaking to a therapist yesterday, she told me all these thoughts were because of what my perp did to me, that this just garbles everything up, and I want to believe that. But all this confusion just kills me, its like everyday i'm living in another realm.
 
biz,
i know it is so difficult to accept that this confusion is normal, even without the abuse. several months ago i was struggling with the extreme fear that i was just like my abusers because i was attracted young adolescent girls. i never acted out on this. but the thought that i was just as evil as those perps who harmed my sister and i when we were todlers and children was just too much almost for me to bear. i was able to gradually work through it and come to accept that there is a balance in a healthy adult of curiosity, attraction, and simple admiration of the human form. this would not justify sexualizing any individual by any stretch of the imagination, but it did give me a better perspective. curiosity, attraction, etc is normal. toss in the effects of the abuse and the whole thing goes out the window in terms of the confusion and emotional pain of the distorted thinking about sexuality. it takes time, biz, and a support network you can depend on to get through this. we are here for you, and your g/f has been with you with you sharing everything that you are experiencing. you will find the balance, biz, hang in there. take care.
 
How can I get one of these numbers, is there a number i can call to talk to someone about whats going through my head, I was told about infoline but I don't know if that can help exactly. I just want someone to talk to, someone to tell me what these thoughts mean.
 
Biz - I don't know where you are located, I presume you are in the US. I am actually in the UK, so cannot help you with numbers in the US.

Do you have any helplines at all in the US...we have them listed in phonebooks & local papers in the UK. Even if a helpline appears that is not directed specifically towards your issues, they may be able to give you numbers/ contacts that are more relevant. We have some helplines where people just listen to you (don't advise), but even just talking to someone that listens can help!

Sorry I can't be of more specific help, but have a look in your local papers - you might just find support.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Biz try this url

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Resource%20Directory/index.htm

If you are in the US.
 
i found a number on the website
www.rainn.org
its geared towards women but through them i found a psychoeducational class i go to for rape vic's and incest survivors. its the only class in my state i have found. the rape crises # help tons. just when im at my wits end and im going to hurt myself just knowing i can call and talk to someone helps tons. and they are way nice.
lee
 
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