Confused

[markw]

Ever since I made that appointment with the therapist, it is all I can think about. It is a week away and I am worried about it. Worry is not the right word, scared is. It is stupid I know. It is all very confusing. I still do not understand why all of this is coming to head now, after all these years. This stuff happened to me in grade school and high school, it was many years ago. I thought I had dealt with it, kept it buried, no one knew. How it came to the surface is a mystery. The nightmares are more intense than ever now. I dread going to sleep. When I was withdrawing from the methadone, sleep is something I prayed for. All is suppose to be getting better, not worse. All of the surgeries are over, I am back to work and life is to go on. But I feel as if I just woke up, and I am in the middle of my life and do not know how I got here. 13 surgeries in 8 years. All because of what some pervert did so many years ago. My body has been changed forever, and somewhere I got lost. I have paid an awful price for what he did. I will never see justice. The guilt I have is a lot to bear, the toll everything has taken. I feel as if it is my fault. So much has been lost, so much time, and one cannot recover time. I wish I could fix it all, make it all go away, every time I try, I fail. Nothing can change what has already happened. Now all is done, the urgency of the medical crap is over, and I am just left to pick up the pieces and move on. I am afraid that I do not know how to do that. I was thinking of posting my story, but I am not sure. It is something I am not use to sharing or talking about. How does one just move on? My life is like storm and it seems that is building in intensity and it is out of my control. I need to have that control back. I need to have me back. I want to be able to face this, deal with it and over come it. Why does it have to be so damn hard? Or is just me making it hard. I am tired of thinking about it, asking myself questions and getting no answers. It is just maddening.

Mark

 

[FLRich]

Mark,

Surely once you get to talk to your therapist, he/she will be able to answer all of your questions. They are trained to help people deal with issues.

I will tell you this, once you begin telling others about your abuse, it becomes easier (NOT easy) to deal with. The majority of my problem was, and still is to a degree, my feelings of guilt, that it was my fault. I must have triggered something in this guy to deserve the abuse. I should have known better. I am too trusting. I should have told somebody to prevent the pervert from abusing another guy. Why didn't I yell even thoguh he had a gun to my head? I was in the middle of a crowded campground. He said he would kill me..that he didn't care...but would he have really shot me? Did I really want this to happen? Mark, I have these questions going through my head a lot.

I finally told my wife 5 yrs ago, and while it wasn't easy, I have calmed down a great deal. I'm not as edgy. I'm not trying to keep something major in my life a secret from everyone.
This site, and the guys that post here, is the greastest thing that has ever happended to me. Just to be able to vent and tell others what happened to me. Use this site, Mark. We may not understand everything you feel, but I promise you we understand your feelings of shame, guilt, and hurt better than anyone else you can talk to.

Mark, I admire you and all of the guys here that are going to a therapist. I'm too afraid to go, but have made myself a promise that I will go to one this year. You've done the hardest part, I think, by making the appointment.

It may be more difficult for you, once you begin therapy, to deal with the issues you have to deal with, but in the long run, my God, it has to better than carrying this shit around inside forever. There are still things I have never told my wife. I have never told her everything about my rape. I don't want her to pity poor Rich. However, I have found Male Survivor, and I can tell these guys anything, as much as I need to tell them, and they wont judge me. Do the same, Mark!

Good Luck,Bro.