Confused wife here, I just don't understand it

MO-Survivor said:
By the way, I just have to say this. I’ve been hesitant to join a group that appeared to be all about addictions (sex, porn, etc) because I wanted to work thru the root of those issues and not get caught up in some behavior mod program - again.

However… after a good friend of mine has become deeply involved, I have found out that while addiction is a part of the program (especially on the support forums), the real heart of what they do is a lot of what we talk about here that is required for healing: addressing childhood and teenage wounds that drive many unwanted behaviors. HM doesn’t limit this to CSA wounds but it is certainly prevalent for a lot of men there. Many, many men have unresolved mother and father wounds from their youth.

I haven’t jumped in to HM yet. I feel like I’m still working thru a lot of trauma stuff, but getting involved is something I want and plan to do.
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Very true, CSA survivors act out for very different reasons than people with sexual addiction. The treatment is very different also.
 
My wife initially wanted me to join SAnon but my core issue is CSA (child sex abuse.) By addressing this (through HusbandMaterial.com I am able to stop the acting out and porn which are offshoots of the CSA…
 
ODAT said:
My wife initially wanted me to join SAnon but my core issue is CSA (child sex abuse.) By addressing this (through HusbandMaterial.com I am able to stop the acting out and porn which are offshoots of the CSA…
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I did SAA and CR; before I accepted that I was. survivor. I think it did more harm than good. I couldn’t relate to people in those groups, especially those in the groups who abused children and talked about it.

We act out because of sexual trauma.

I’m glad you found help in HM. I just don’t like stuff that I tell someone in confidence being repeated. No one in that org has a duty to keep your confidence.
 
Pollux said:
I did SAA and CR; before I accepted that I was. survivor. I think it did more harm than good. I couldn’t relate to people in those groups, especially those in the groups who abused children and talked about it.

We act out because of sexual trauma.

I’m glad you found help in HM. I just don’t like stuff that I tell someone in confidence being repeated. No one in that org has a duty to keep your confidence.
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They have a section called HMA which is Husband Material Academy where you can pay for private coaching. I am doing that now and seeing some real breakthroughs on my recovery.
 
ODAT said:
They have a section called HMA which is Husband Material Academy where you can pay for private coaching. I am doing that now and seeing some real breakthroughs on my recovery.
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yeah the private coaches talking about me then ghosting me after I asked for an explaination is what I have a problem with.
 
OK, thanks for the information on HMA. Sounds like it's close to what we do here but takes on a different hue, so to speak.
 
I used to re-enact my abuse on myself not only as a child after it happened (after my abuser left) but into my adulthood too. My ex-wife saw it for the first time several years ago and it freaked her out. But she knows I was abused so I think that made it easier for her. I didn't first start fully remembering my abuse until I was 20 and I'm just now having PTSD flashback dreams and night terrors. (I'm 37). It sounds like your husband probably was abused. But don't pressure him to tell you, it will come out in therapy eventually.
 
Confusing is the word. CSA confuses everything and everyone involved. Particularly confusing is the uncontrollable need to fulfill repetition compulsion. It’s just a mind-bending concept. One thing I would stress is that as you navigate the process of unpacking it all, you maintain your open minded and non-judgmental attitude when it comes to your husband’s sexuality. You’re doing the best thing for the both of you by giving him space to figure out if/where he is on the straight/bi/gay spectrum. A big issue for me as a survivor has been getting out from under the confusion caused by my sexual compulsion with older men, and distinguishing my real desire from compulsion. In my case it was a matter of stripping away the compulsive behavior and confirming that I'm bisexual. I still go through periods where I question my sexuality. Mostly when I’m having trauma related intimacy issues with my wife. Having space in our relationship so I can sort through the confusion without feeling judged allows me clarity to resolve it.

Also, be careful not to categorically dismiss all his sex with daddies as a trauma response. Avoid the homophobic “pray the gay away” nonsense. Keep in mind that not all male-on-male CSA survivors act out with men or watch gay porn, etc. It’s important to do some digging there. Better that you both start sooner than later.

RE: the phone. Being a CSA survivor doesn’t give him carte blanche to do secret hook ups. As with any relationship you should discuss realistic boundaries and limits. That includes safety.
 
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