confused.. very confused

confused.. very confused
P

Peterrr

Registrant
part of me is saying just take it in, accept that it happened and move on. drop it. let it go for godssake.
and i want to but i cant. im just so mad at him.
i really just want to beable to move on..
i have on idea why all of a sudden i feel like ive been hit by a truck.
it didnt start bothering me until like, freshmen year. and it wasn't that bad. but all of a sudden im just like.. god i dont know..
im really confused cause part of me is still like, well see that doesn't even count.. he was only 14 so he didnt know what he was doing.. he doesn't even remember. its just something that kids do sometimes. people mess around sometimes right? its normal its just something that happens why am i making a big deal about it. im just over reacting.. if i wasnt being such a drama queen about it then i wouldnt be feeling like this..
i feel like IM making myself feel this bad about it.. it wasn't that big of a deal.. it was just.. i dont know
kids mess around..
ugh
i dont know how i should feel.
but i know that i feel like shit.
and im tired of fighting this cause im loosing.
i feel like im trying to beat down a huge brick wall with just my fists and,
obviously its not doing anything.
i dont know
i hate myself for being like this and i hate myself for the way i try and cope.
ughughugh
i dont know why im posting this.
 
PEACE!

My friend,

your posting here to get it out of your system like we all do.

Dont feel bad about that, every one of us has written what we thought was rubbish.

Only to find from others that they can understand and make sense of our ramblings.

So keep it coming, your not on your own.

It may not make sense to you at the moment but it DOES get it out of your system.
 
Peter, the fact of your age/s when the abuse occurred does not diminish the pain you are feeling, which is totally understandable. Your feelings have been and are shared by many of us here because of the things that happened to us. You are NOT wrong in feeling like you do.

What happened to you was wrong and the emotional pain you feel is your body trying to tell you that you have something that needs to be paid attention to. Just like when you burn your finger on a hot stove. It hurts and you react. That's what's going on in your heart, Peter. It's telling you that it needs to be taken care of. Please listen to it and try to find some help. Perhaps a school councilor or someone could be of assistance in helping you out.

I know how scarey it is to take the kind of steps you've started to take. I was to scared tho to take them when I was your age. I waited 40 years. Now not only do I cry about what happened to me but I cry because of all the wasted years. more than half my life spent living under this huge cloud. When I did end up facing my abuse, It was more scarey than it ever was as a young man.

I envy you in that you are starting to face things now. That takes a lot of courage, friend. You've already prooved you're above average just by coming here and telling someone else what's happened.

Take what steps you can to get help when you feel able to do it. We'll be here to support you every step of the way.

Safe hugs,

John
 
Peterrr

First of all Welcome. Glad you found us. This is one of the best places I have ever been. I believe you will also find it to be true for you. The men here all share a burden that nobody should every have to carry, but here we are, helping each other with our heavy loads. We all know how bad it hurts and some how some way we want to ease the pain in your heart.

What you say sounds all too familiar. I started this journey we call recovery a long time ago and I have moved on, I think. And it is still a big deal, some days bigger than others. Every day I deal with it to one extent or another. Life goes on and coping skills are learned, we find places of support such as MaleSurvivor.com. Where you are now I have been. So hang with us here, post if and when you wish.

So hang in there my friend and remember we are here for you.

Darrel
 
Hi Peterr. I'm glad you found us. You will find support here.

I had a "friend" that was 2 years older than me do probably many of the things that you experienced, to me. (When I was 12, I'm 36 now).

I..............didn't feel then, the way YOU feel about it now. I closed it out and just lived with it. I didn't react to it at all really. But I paid a price for it, I lost many years of possible happiness. There was other abuse in my life before this incident but your post made me remember that I didn't really react much at all.

But I would say that it's a good thing that you do feel SOMETHING, even if it's bad, because you're trying to do something about it rather than just trying to "forget it".
 
Peter
kids mess around..
Click to expand...
Yes, kids do 'mess around' and play doctors and nurses - shit like that, it's part of growing up.

That happened to me, and I was also abused by boys barely 2 years older than me. The two experiences are completely different.

The 'normal' experimentation stuff is something we accept into out lives, but if something is bothering you as an adult then that's different, and it NEEDS dealing with.

Abuse has no league table of severity, one instance of touching can have the same effects on someone as years of heavy abuse, I've seen this happen Peter. Don't dismiss what happened to you as something that isn't important.
Think about it, you found this site because you came looking for it - doesn't that tell you something?

So look on the positive side, you have made a huge step forward, carry on. You've done the hardest part already, come here for support and help. It's a great place with some wonderful guys.
Take care
Dave
 
Kids do play doctor. Thats usually on a level of you show me yours and I'll show you mine. While that is considered somewhat "normal", if there is force, coersion, threats, possibly even penetration then that is NOT normal discovery. Particulary if it causes confusion or distress in those involved.
If you are distressed by your experience then it was not normal and you may want help coping with it. I wish you peace.
Was being stared at by my Mum as I urinated abusive, yes. It made me very uncomfortable to see he using the bathroom mirror as a way of viewing my genitalia. This was invading my sense of privacy and modesty as a young boy and I did feel exploted.
So don't minimize the events that have caused you distress. Sexual abuse and explotation involves a wide range of activites.
 
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