confused. (possible trigger)

[nobody]

I've never told anyone about what happened to me. I wonder if it even matters anymore. It was years ago but when I sleep the nightmares make it feel like it just happened. I know I can't change it and he's dead now anyay, so I really don't have anything to be afraid of. But now somedays all I can do is think about it and it confuses the hell out of me. These days it's been making me wonder more and more about myself. I know my dad would hate it, and I have no idea how my sister would take it but I think I might be gay.

 

[Dale English]

Hi Nobody,

Wow...I have a hard time writing that name of yours. You know, if the song is right that "you're nobody till somebody loves you", then I think there's a name change in your future because you've come to a place where you will be accepted and loved for the person you are whether or not you're certain who that is or not! So let me call you "N" for now.

"N", I'm sorry that your dreams are reminding you of horrors and yet they also give you a wake up call that brought you here and for that I'm glad. Whatever is happening to you right now is very important and deserves yours and our full attention. Please know that this is a safe place to read and listen to others and to share your story as you see fit and in your own good time.

As for your sexual orientation, you have a family of brothers here. Some of us are gay, some are straight and some somewhere in between. Whatever your true orienation, we will celebrate it with you as part of the wonderful man you are and support you as you make your decisions what and when you'll choose to tell your family members.

So, welcome to our family "N". Kick off your shoes and stay awhile.

Taz

 

[Mike Church]

Nobody I echo the remarks made my Taz above.

To us you are a somebody. Some guy who has suffered under the stench of SA and needs to get rid of it. That is enough for us. The key here is that you have joined the greatest brotherhood it has been my privilege to be associated with in my entire life. My SA happened when I was 16-17 and I did nothing about it till I was 56. And I am glad I did but pissed off I waited so long.

 

[outis]

Nobody,

I understand your choice of login names. Mine is the same thing, just taken from the Odyssey. I have been on one helluva trip myself, and more and more I think I chose exactly the right name when I came here.

I wonder if it even matters anymore.

Yes, it does because

the nightmares make it feel like it just happened

and

somedays all I can do is think about it and it confuses the hell out of me.

It's normal to be confused. If you weren't confused, you'd probably have much worse problems. Whoever abused you was wrong, their acts were wrong, their motivations were wrong. You were innocent. That is a confusing set of truths for anyone who can think rationally, but no less true for the confusion.

I hope your dad and your sister can love you as you are. It would be a great loss in their lives if they could not accept you.

It's good you were able to find us here, but no one would wish the "qualifications" to be here on anyone. I hope you find benefit in joining us. I'm not changing what's done, but I am changing what I do today. That's an important thing to me now.

Thanks,

Joe

 

Nobody,

I can identify with you in a lot of ways. My perps are dead to. But I still fear them sometimes, which is natural. And as for the nightmares and the confusion, well I think I can safely say everyone here knows about that!

As for whether you are gay or not, only you have the right to determine. What other people think (including family) does not change whatever you decide is your own sexuality. I've read several posts here from people who question thier sexuality, so you are not alone.

Personally, I accept you for you. Whether you are gay, bisexual, asexual, heterosexual or martiansexual !

Hang in there, you are SOMEBODY here!

Marc

 

[Brayton]

I can't change what happened to me but I have been able to begin to deal/cope with the effects it has on me.

This is because I sought out therapy. In that context, I have been prescribed medications for modifying anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping and bi-polar tendencies.

The medications help me benefit from the therapy. I would join a men's survivors group if there was one here.

I use this site as a sort of group and the support I receive here and the insights I get about my experiences from reading about other guys' experiences has been a great help.

I don't have to tell anyone until I am ready to and want to. I haven't told anyone in my family yet. I don't know if I ever will. For me, their part in it is over and I don't expect any support from them now.

For the time being, anyway, I am only telling my therapist (everything I can) and my partner (as much as I am comfortable with).

You're not necessarily gay, you know. If that knowledge about yourself is based only on the fact that your abusers were male, you may want to wait to tell anyone except a therapist or other completely trusted person until you have worked some on the other abuse effects.

 

[Aden]

I sure can identify with the nightmares. One of my booggie men has been dead for 33 years but still comes crawling out of his grave to chase me thru the night. Sometimes I catch myself argueing with him in my wakeing state.

As for your sexuality, there is plenty of cause for confusion. The best I can suggest is that you find a way to accept it fully, what ever it is.

 

[crisispoint]

My friend,

Amily Dickinson - "I'm nobody./Who are you?/Are you nobody too?"

You are NOT nobody. You're SOMEBODY.

And you're hardly alone.

The abuse we've suffered, well, no wonder we're confused. Gay? Straight? What the Hell are we?

I've had to fight with that recently, and here's the answer I've come up with. I dont know, but I'll find out.

The truth is that, while sexuality is an important part of who we are, it's also a SMALL part of our TOTAL selves.

Does being gay make you less of a human? Less compassionate? Less good? Less of a man? Does it make you MORE of any of these things?

No.

It's just a part of you, no more inherently evil or good than being straight, bi, transgender, or vegisexual for that matter. It makes not a difference.

Except to the small-minded, and their opinion shouldn't matter.

You are who you are. Unique, human, caring, comapssionate, good. There is NOTHING about being either straight or gay that would change that. You are a person. And a damn fine one, i might add.

The insidious nature of what we've been through screws that up. Either because we were blackmailed with it into being quiet, or confused because what was done to us wasn't "normal." Would that we had the nornal childhood so we'd know what we were and be okay with it by now.

Well you know something, dammit, you ARE okay. More than okay, you are a WONDERFUL person.

You've got things to work through, sure, but you are a good person who just happened to have some pretty bad s**t inflicted on them. Nobody? Hell no! You're SOMEBODY. SOMEBODY important. If you take nothing else, I hope you carry that with you.

Sorry to preach, but I think it's important for you to hear.

I'm sorry for what you've been through, but you've taken a courageous step in getting better, and that's a good thing. I can't wait to hear what else you've got to offer, because I know you have more to say, and I'd very much like to hear it.

I love you, my friend. I say that to everyone I "meet" here, and It can be a bit much, but sometimes we've heard it only when someone "wanted" something from us. I don't want anything from you in return. I just love you and care about you for you.

peace and love,

Scot