confused, mad as h*ll **triggers**

[IrishKipley]

i have so much rage in me right now. things have been going downhill all week. first my father tries to call me, but luckily i was at work and missed the call. after i saw his number on my answering machine, i freaked out. i kept running things through my mind, not knowing why he would be calling me or what i would have said. probably wouldn't have been able to say anything. he has called me before, especially right after i left and moved to another state...that was almost five years ago. i've hung up on him several times, cussed him out, cried. anyway he left this message saying how he wants me to come home....that he is getting old, sick and needs his son. what a joke. he should have thought about that before he ruined my life. he never did call back or anything, but that had me on edge all night.
......................................

then today i get a package in the mail. it was a so-called birthday present from my father (my bday is friday....ahhhhhh another year older) there was a letter in the envelope along with tickets to a hockey game. the bastard actually thinks i'm going to drive across the country to go to a hockey game with him???????!!!!!!!?????? sometimes i just wish i could see what was going on in his mind. in the letter he was basically asking me to forgive him, i suppose??? what kind of person expects their child to forgive so easily, after what he's done to me. after he abused me for so many years, r*p*d his own son. it's like he doesn't see what he did as wrong. so much anger i don't know what to do with it. i just want to scream in his face WHY WHY WHY WHY. i wish i understood, wish i didn't feel so weak i hate feeling weak, that's what he always said i was.....weak and good for nothing (except whatever he wanted) i wish this would all just go away.

frustrated and mad
Kip

 

[Thunderstruck]

Hi Kip,
I'm new here and this is the first post I've replied to. It really struck a cord with me. I find it odd how abusers can be so vastly different, but still evoke the same emotions from us, the victims and survivors. My father was also my perp, unlike yours he knew all along that everything he did was wrong. He would actually say that he was doing it to hurt me, bc i was a weak failure and other hateful things. You father has some nerve, he certainly does. You have the right to be angry, and he has NO rights. Even though I know it's awfully hard, at least now as an adult, on your own you have the power to keep away from him, to say no and look the other way. I wish it were easier for us all.
Take care my friend
Ts

 

[Muldoon]

Kip and TS I can understand you not wanting to have a thing to do with your Dads,They caused you great harm and pain.
The # 1 thing I would like to find out find is where did your dads learn the evil they did to you.

I think it is important for our own history to learn where the abuse stated,
tom

 

[john24]

I think your father is trying to manipulate you again. Before you left, he had what he wanted, now you're gone. I understand your desire to want to know why...I know I want to know what the hell my abuser was thinking. I admire your ability to ignore him. I just wanted to suggest that if you do decide to contact him that you do it on your own terms so that you are completely in control. You decide when, where, what the purpose of the conversation is and then decide when to end it. Don't allow him to continue to control you or your life. Happy Birthday by the way....it's always nice to find a place where there might be a new start ahead of us.
John

 

[Leosha]

Kip, I am so sorry of your father's recent attempts of contact at you. I have had similar experiences, and know how hurtful and frightening they can be. As I say before, I think maybe it would be good to change your phone number, so he can not contact you there? I do not know how to deal of the mail, other then to perhaps send it back as not to be delivered? Although, I know that you will still be having the upset of knowing he did send this, or do this. I do not know what is the answer of that. I wish you do not have to deal of it at all. Please try to take care of yourself, and know that I wish you well.

leosha