Confused/hurt and alone....

Confused/hurt and alone....
T

thecoopstah

In no small part do i think i am not worthy of being loved,but i am however afraid to love another person enough to know in my core self i am going to be okay.Feelings for me for a better part of my life have always been real difficult and i now have met someone and unsure and confused as to how i feel about her,i do allow her to spend time with me and yet i feel numb when she asks me how i am really feeling.She has accepted me with all the crap that goes with having been tortured as a kid in ways i could have never thought possible.Yet at the same time i can't figure out why i think i want her to be a part of my life,do i want her in my life as a result of feeling alone and she fills this need or do i actually have feelings that i am unable to connect with thereby allowing myself to let her get close to that place within me that i simply refuse to be exposed too and of course get hurt.I know i am going to be okay but also i am shutting down when she is around and knowing this i can label my feelings which are all twisted like the x-mas decorations in the attic.I am very aware of pushing her away and she will not let me because she has told me this.I do not want to be pushed into a corner but i am feeling trapped and therefore come out fighting and all the feelings i'm afraid to deal with could come out in ways i know i will ultimately regret.Am i alone in feeling and thinking like this or am i simply afraid and confused because i am not used to all this attention and affection i am getting from being in a (sober) relationshiop for the first time in over 4 years.Essentially i have no idea what i want nor do i have a clue if these are all normal emotoins that are of the normal process in letting someone in enough to take the chance of being hurt but also never knowing if i could have met someone i pushed away due to my burden of being afriad to otherwise experience the feelings one has who is willing to take that next step.Sorry for the rambling i just can't deal wtih the work and feelings that go with being involved a relationship.I am for sure NOT attracted to her in any way and that could be the problem...Coop
 
Coop,

If your not attracted to her in any way then there is no reason to continue the relationship. I'm sober as well and haven't a clue about relationships. I'm used to pushing women away, especially the ones that wanted to help me or were healthy. I'm so used to the chaotic ones. They bring excitement but a lot of pain. Its very normal not to know what you want when you are getting sober. Have you gone through the steps? It takes us five years to get our marbles back and another five years to play with them. We've been through so much, Coop. Drugs, alcohol, CSA. Its going to take a while to discover who we are and how to deal with our feelings. Maybe you should take a step back from the relationship for a little while and see how you feel. Tell her that you need some time and see what happens.
 
Coop,

If your not attracted to her in any way then there is no reason to continue the relationship. I'm sober as well and haven't a clue about relationships. I'm used to pushing women away, especially the ones that wanted to help me or were healthy. I'm so used to the chaotic ones. They bring excitement but a lot of pain. Its very normal not to know what you want when you are getting sober. Have you gone through the steps? It takes us five years to get our marbles back and another five years to play with them. We've been through so much, Coop. Drugs, alcohol, CSA. Its going to take a while to discover who we are and how to deal with our feelings. Maybe you should take a step back from the relationship for a little while and see how you feel. Tell her that you need some time and see what happens. However, if you aren't attracted to her, then there should be no reason to continue.
 
Coop, at first it sounded to me as if you were attracted to her and you were excited to be with her. Now, it sounds as if you may have gotten together with her to fill the void. Maybe your in love with her, maybe you aren't, I guess you don't know. Frustrating isn't it? It seems as if you analyze your feelings and how your relationship is going, over, and over again. I had a therapist, and even my own mother tell me "Jason, your thinking about it too much!" They were right. I learned if, I just stopped compulsively analyzing everything and just let myself 'feel' then things got much less complicated. Over analyzing is a hard thing to overcome but it can be done with practice. We analyze so we can get around our feelings. we are affraid to feel. Being a psychology student, I can relate to this issue and I know that I, should leave the analyzing for the therapists. I drove myself nuts analyzing my feelings and those of my girlfriends in past relationships. Some times, if you just stop thinking and feel, it burns, its scary, but its good because it releases a lot of pent up energy and it brings you one step closer to beating this.

"DON'T THINK! FEEEEEL!" (Bruce Lee, Enter the Dragon).

Much love,
Jason

and coop, correct me if I'm wrong but didn't you just started dating her recently? You don't have to sh't or get off the pot yet. It's still early in the relationship and its OK to not be sure how you feel about her. Sometimes the early sex thing can put a damper on things. Maybe it would be good to just see where it goes. Its important to be honest and to make sure you have space to think about things when you feel it is necessary.
 
Jason you are correct in saying i was attracted to her however this was BEFORE we slept together the other night and all the bullshit touchy feely we were doing days leading up to sleeping with her.I never thought i'd say this but 4 years ago she had gastric bypass surgery and now that she has lost so much weight that when she gets undressed i have to literally turn away or if we're in bed i make sure all the lights are off.I know this sounds shallow and i am not one to be this way but i also know she won't let me push her away.One minute i want nothing to do with her whatsoever the next i am feeling alone and call her and of course she fuckin comes over to my place and everything, for a very few, hours i feel as though the void within me is in a small way filled and this is just plain wrong.I have an out and i am taking it.I'm dealing with my issues as a result of the csa but now that i have the chance to be with someone (and not attracted to is better then being alone)who i know cares about me and yet i push and push and still feel as though she is pushing me into a corner whereas she is probably only doing this because of who i am to her.This shit(relationships) is far and away not easy at all and i know she has jumped through fuckin hoops for me but when i am with her i feel numb as though i am keeping her at a distance.I sometimes wish i was a sociopath so i don't have to feel at all.......numb would be just fine at this point.Coop
 
I know its hard. I feel your pain when you say you want her to be there for you no matter what is going on in your head. We contradict ourselves when we want those that love us to go the extra mile to reassure us that we still are loved. However, when we do, we feel like we're isolated by them. Do you think she is trying to trap you, or do you think that she just loves you and doesn't want to give up on you. Thats a tough one and that's for you to decide. I don't know what its like to be in your shoes but I do know one thing. She is not the one that abused you and took advantage of you when you were a child. Are your feelings of defensiveness towards her, or are they towards your perp? Confusing the actions of her with the actions of your perp can and will sabotage your relationship if you let it. In my opinion, I would say just to roll with the punches. Are you finding faults in her (the scars) or, are you using them as a copout to run from your true feelings. I don't know, but, by some snowball's chance in hell, she might be good for you. It's your call brother. Either way, I'm still here and so are the rest of us. The ball's in your court man. Be yourself and do your thing. I'm sure you'll make the decision that is best for you.

Much love,
Jason
 
Jason,You are fucking amazing,you know just what to say and how to get me thinking.I can sit here and tell you i do think she loves me and i feel safe with her however i know alot of the way i am feeling is directly related to the abuse.I am not finding fault with her although if i am not careful i could hurt her with the games i am not even aware of i am playing wthi her.I just got back from another session with my therapist who is fantastic.She(T)has an entirely dfferent picture in that she knows i am playing games and i was unaware of this till she confronted me with the fact i am doing the very thing to her that i dont want done to me.I very well could be using "the scars" as a cop out but i also know i am not doing this conciously and for me to get through this i must do the work......communicate,trust the process,and be honest and the one thing i am gut wrenching honest and refuse to lie in any way because if i do it will ultimately bite me in the ass sooner or later.You have an awful lot of insight seeing you dont know me(although you do in a way having in common the csa) and are able to see things from your perspective and not judge.Thats a great quality in you to have.My idea of a relationship in the past was "i will hurt her before she hurts me" ....now that i am sober this is NOT SOBER BEHAVIOR...at all and i was told by marie(my girl) "you know rich i have feelings to and i hurt just like you do and i understand you're struggling this time of year but give US a chance we deserve that much"...I look forward to hearing from you again , you seem to always have the ability to get me to look at whats really going on whereas i shut down emotionally therefore keep everyone away and as a result i am alone again and now i can slow myself (my thinking) down enough to think about her feelings and all that i am putting here through although not intentionally but nonetheless it still hurts her to sit back and watch me have a hard time and feel helpless knw she can't fix me only i can do this and having those people in my life around this time of year is much more meaningful and could mean so much more if i only allow it to happen.Thanks again and i truly truly hope YOU are having a good day and even a better tomorrow.Take care bud...Coop
 
Oddly enough Coop'

My idea of a relationship in the past was "i will hurt her before she hurts me"
Click to expand...
this is pretty much what I said to her in her post!

We think we're shit, we don't believe that we're entitled to decent friends, love is bullshit for other people, add to the list..............it's a long one.

I know that we know 'how it works' the way we put ourselves down and create reasons to not do something rather than take a small risk and do it.
It's the way we survived for many years, and we should be grateful for these survival tools. They might be dysfunctional, but they kept us going.

Which is why we're very very attached to them and find it extremely difficult to let them go.

Dave
 
What more can i say to this fact you talk about......i do in fact agree with you....our/my idea of a relationship is "i will hurt you before you can hurt me"....at least this way i can say she broke up with me therefore go right back to playing the victim and for me to do this is simply insane....thank you so much and i thought i would let you know marie and i are no longer together and as a result she has literally fallen into a depresion i feel as though i caused but although i know better it still does not make it any easier on my feelings for her even though i was not on the other end of being let down...i feel her pain and i can only do the next best thing and i have, is to just be there for her and allow her to feel whatever it is and dont judge...god bless you and i wish you the best....Coop
 
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