confused feelings

confused feelings
H

hemi1024

Registrant
I have written post before but not like this one so here goes. I remembered something after being sexualy abused by this male babysiter when I was 9 years old.I had a realy hard time figuring out who the hell I was. I would have my friends come over and ask them to strip me of my cloths and they would. The sad part is I would get aroused by them doing it. I never did it to them. I wish that just once I could tell this person about all the bad memories I have of these encounters and the flash backs and the night mares.This pervert messed me up for a long time. To me sex was a dirty word sex was discusting. I for a long time just shut down and became nomb to everything.This sick mother even tried to do this to my friend when we were 12. My freind told his mom while I was present and she asked me if there had been other times when he would do things to me. I said yes she said you need to tell your father. The other thing is dad divorced and we live with this guy it's his house. I did tell my dad we went home to find the sonofabitch left and thats the last we saw of him. I feel that my dad blames me in some way or is ashamed of me. Maybe he thinks I deserved it because I didn't stop it.It hurts so bad I feel as if I had my childhood taken from me. There are time still that I feel like crying and times when I am angry. I have to stop for now. Bill
 
Bill, None of it was your fault. None of it. Your were a child. Children don't know. You didn't know. How could you have stopped it? So many men here feel that very same way. Try to forgive yourself, because you have done nothing to have to forgive yourself for. I've been at this a long time and there are not only times when I feel like crying, there are times when I just plain cry, and do so without any shame whatsoever. Also there are times when I go to the garage and just beat something to smitherines with a plastic garbage can lid....it makes lots of great noise. All of the things you describe here are so much a part of what we all have experienced. That doesn't make it any easier for you. What will make it a bit easier is to understand that we understand and that you are not alone. Bobby
 
i can say, you arent alone. many of us here acted out in different ways. some told only not to be believed at all, or to have it all twisted around so that it was blamed on them. Bill, i hope in time you can find a little peace with it. you know a child can't really do much to stop an older, smarter, much bigger man from anything. you know it wasnt your fault. as far as your father, well they have to live with themselves. my father has really not known how to deal with me since i came out about the abuse. he isnt comfortable around me. well,i can't help how he feels, but i can control myself and live my life so that i can be happy and fulfilled. jeff
 
Bill, thanks for posting that, I struggle with the same exact thing with my father, I know just how you feel and these guys here are telling you the truth.. you're not alone. Phoster here is right, you can't control how your father reacts or how he feels about you and if he wants to be like that, well it's his problem, don't make it yours. I know it's way easier to say that then to actually put it into practice, but it's the truth.

Jay
 
Bill,
What a brave step you took posting here. People here are compassionate and understanding. I hope you will stay for a while.
Jake
 
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