Confused (but isn't everyone?)

Confused (but isn't everyone?)
B

buster

New Registrant
I am new to this board. Actually I haven't really talked about my abuse to anyone. I am confused because I was sexually abused by two different guys in my neighborhood, but around the same time. I think it was when I was 8. It was mostly just fondling and touching. I rarely think about it, and I don't have any real shame that I am aware of. I am gay and depressed and obsessive and probably neurotic. I just wonder what being molested did to me that I am not aware of. I went through middle and high school searching for an identity as most did. When I first began to have sexual experiences with men- at 18 - it at first felt like I was reenacting being abused. I wanted to just do what had been done during the abuse. Now - ten years later- I do more, and really can't distinguish where the feelings come from. Maybe being abused sent me down a path of homosexuality. Or maybe it was my parents. Or maybe I was just born this way.
I have often wondered if I was abused at an early age too and just don't remember it. I've always acted out sexually. I can remember being 4 or 5 and getting an erection and getting pleasure from exposing myself on several different occasions. I guess I was a preschool exhibitionist.

Thanks for listening,

Buster
 
Buster,

From what you said it sure sounds to me like your early experiences had some impact on you and if your up for it you could maybe read some books on the subject or even see somebody to talk about it some a therapist or even in the chat room here, it never huts to explore your feelings a little bit.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

John
 
But does it really matter what happened in the past. I have enough trouble dealing with the present. And I can't really see facing the future.
Buster
 
Buster,

For what it's worth, I had a memory flashback of childhood sexual abuse when I was about 43 or 44. The abuse occurred around the ages of 4-5, and I'd lived/functioned all those years without ever remembering the abuse...either consciously or subconsciously. I talked about it with my therapist a couple of times and then "got over it" and moved on. I was busy, busy, busy with work and raising a family and all the things that we all do and, quite frankly, I never thought of the abuse again....until this past summer.

What brought me to this forum is that I'd felt disconnected from myself somehow. Oh, sure, I was functional at work and around the house. But I was feeling out of sorts and very strange. And for some unknown reason, I wondered if what was gnawing away at me had to do with my childhood abuses....

Bingo!

Your question, "But does it really matter what happened in the past?" is a good one. My opinion about this is YES! We can't turn the clock back, we can't change what has happened to us, we really can't have a "do over." But we can bring our abuse out from the darkness, talk about it, try to understand it, forgive ourselves, and then move to a place where we can ultimately take care of ourselves, parenting the scared and abused child within.

You can do as I did and bury this stuff for ten years or so, but trust me, it doesn't stay buried forever, and it'll come back to bite you in the butt when you least expect it. Don't let this scab over....do the work now...you'll be glad you did. I would recommend a therapist who deals with sexual abuse issues...and a good support system.

Good luck...you're worth it!

Dynamitedon

[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: dynamitedon ]

[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: dynamitedon ]
 
Buster,

yeah, i think it does matter, if it didnt matter i dont think you would be here, i get the feeling its gnawing at you some, asking for some attention, dude, just keep talking, ok?

John
 
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