Confused and Scared

Confused and Scared
G

ginny1210

Registrant
I have been married to my husband for 20 years. I knew he had been a victim of SA as a child. But, I recently found out there was more abuse. I recently found out he was having an affair with more than one woman. When I confronted him he moved out. On the outside he had everything going for him. He is good looking, well liked, has a great careeer and a wife who loves him. But, he tells me that he is worthless, ugly and does not deserve anything. One day he tells me he loves me with all his heart, then the next day he tells me he wants a divorce. He is taking medication for his depression and has been seeing a T for about 5 weeks. I am really scared and confused!!
 
My advice is get away and take some time to get your head straightened out on this. If he is having an affair he has crossed over into abusing you and that will end up with you getting hurt. You need to remove yourself from a potentially abusive situation.

After that, I would suggest speaking to a professional therapist or marriage councillor. You will get all kinds of other advice here, but I think for the situation you described above, putting some distance between you and your husband and seeking professional advice might be the best thing for you right now.

Bottom line is, you are helping him by posting here, but you need to protect yourself first.

HTH,

Nobby
 
i can really relate. when you are beginning the journey of healing things are very confusing for a long time. five weeks is really just beginning. i loved my wife, and yet cheated too. i hated myself as a person, and felt evil. when you have that mindset you do some pretty bad things. you dont love yourself enough to stop.

now, i dont want to speak for your husband, but let me venture this. he loves you, but he is afraid of hurting you. he wants a divorce because he has hurt you enough in his mind, and he is letting you go so he can't hurt you any more. does that make sense? i mean that may not be what he feels, but i believe it is, because i have been there.

also keep in mind, survivors feel the 'good' side the world sees is fake in many cases. all the good things you just listed feel fake to him, and he feels like that guy that is out there cheating is the real person he is. again, i know because i have been there. he hasnt realized yet they are one person, and that he has split to deal with the trauma. in time he will. all i can offer is to talk to him, and work it out if he will let you back in, and if you want to.

jeff
 
Hi Ginny,

My b/f and I only have (almost) 5 years under our belt, not a 20 year marriage, but I recently faced the same thing. My b/f was carrying on multiple sexual affairs. When I discovered it, the sh**t hit the fan in a big way. You can look back at my posts and see the destruction it caused.

My b/f is in therapy now and he's trying with all his might to make himself and us work and I'm right there with him. It's hard, hell that's an understatement, it's almost impossible at times, but I'm glad I made the decision to stick with him.

Everything that Jeff said, has been said to me by my b/f. He has everything really, but as Jeff said, "survivors feel the 'good' side the world sees is fake in many cases. all the good things you just listed feel fake to him, and he feels like that guy that is out there cheating is the real person he is."

My b/f thinks he's simply an awful human being so neither he nor anyone else should expect anything good from him despite the fact that he works hard, owns his own business, his own home, his own car, has lots of friends who love him, etc., etc. As far as he's concerned, he has a black little heart that the grinch would envy and he's a piece of sh**t.

That's a tough nut to crack and I'd hazard a guess that your husband is the same way.

First and foremost though, you need to protect yourself. Get tested for STDs and insist that he do the same. If he wants to heal and you want to stay with him, then you have every right to make certain demands upon him and expect that they are met. You have to create a safe environment for yourself; he may be welcome to join you there, but you will not allow his crap to mess you up any more than it has to.

{{{Ginny}}} You've got a 20+ year history with this man and you love him. Talk to him, set your boundaries and don't let him cross them. He's in therapy which is fabulous. The road you and he will travel now is long and hard. My b/f and I are no where near the end, but we're on it so for that I'm happy.

Keep coming here. It's a very healthy and helpful place with some really wonderful people.

ROCK ON..........Trish
 
i know this as well, coming out of that mindset is just as dangerous a time as living in it. my affair actually happened on the upswing. i was starting to love myself for the first time, so i felt worthy of things for the first time. when my relationship wouldnt allow me to experience and enjoy the sexuality i was finally coming to terms with, i cheated.

the thing is this, therapy and recovery is a long journey. along the way, it is confusing, and when you are someone that has never known good feelings, they can be just as hard to handle. this is for Trish as much as you Ginny. therapy will have its problems too. when you love someone like us, you have taken on a load, so dont ever be surprised at anything. if you make it through, i would like to think there is a fantastic relationship waiting there. you will have someone that has taken his world apart and put it back together. he will be comfortable in his own skin, and able to handle problems. then he will be a good husband to have, and to spend a life with, i would like to think.
 
Jeff,

What you said does make perfect sense. He has said all those things and I know he wants to divorce me so that he can't hurt me anymore. Any, yes he says that it is his mind that he battles with. And yes I love him. I am willing to work things out with him if he will allow me.
Thanks

Ginny
 
i hope and pray you and he have a long and happy life together. take care of yourself in all of this, because it may be worse before it gets better. he may insist on the divorce, and he may continue spiralling down. hang in there, and take care of yourself through every step of this.
 
Trish,

Your b/f and my husband have so much in common. I know it has been a long hard road for you and I know if I stay with my husband it is going to be a long journey. I have made an appointment to get tested for STD's. No kidding; it is hard as HELL for me too and it has only been 5 weeks. Yes, my husband feels exactly like your B/F. He feels he is worthless and a piece of S**t. Yes, I do love him and I know things will get a lot worse before they get better. Right now I am taking one day at a time. It get's very hard at times coming home to an empty house (we have not children) and falling asleep by myself. I have lots of love and support from my family and friends and I know that I will make it. I plan to keep visiting this site; I know it will help me and keep me encouraged.

Thanks Again Trish

Ginny
 
Hi Ginny,

I'm sorry to hear about all that you and your husband are going through.

Jeff is right when he says that five weeks is only just the beginning, especially if your husband just started taking medication five weeks ago. It can take many times longer than this for everything to balance out just right and sometimes it is really trial and error to find medications that work for one person.

My partner and I will be together ten years this year; he disclosed his abuse to me about three years ago, after I discovered his history of sexual acting out online. Things were certainly tense in the house for several weeks and I don't think I really decided that I was committed to staying with him, even just for one day at a time, until months after that initial discovery.

I never stopped loving him and wanting the best for him. I let him know from the beginning that even if it turned out that we couldn't be in a relationship together, I would give him any support I could as a friend who wanted to see him recover. But after the acting out and abuse were disclosed, it really laid bare a lot of unhealthy stuff that both of us had been bringing to the relationship. It was a big wake up call for me and compelled me to set some very different boundaries for him and for myself. Our relationship lasted through all of this because we both made some hard choices about not allowing that nasty old stuff back into it.

You are in a rough place to be right now; all I can say is that it doesn't stay this way forever, whatever happens next. This is a good place to keep talking it out and get support.

SAR
 
Ginny,

I would just stress what you have read above about the extreme emotional turmoil that a survivor is in. Abuse has horrific effects on a boy that go far beyond just the immediate impact of the abuse itself. And a lot of this continues into adulthood. Even if he is a great guy and very successful, he can still view himself as a loser and worthless.

Five weeks? I'm sorry, Ginny, but as you have seen already above, that's just the beginning. He will need a lot of support and understanding, and he will need to hear and believe (not the same thing!) that what happened to him as a boy doesn't affect how you regard him now. He will need to hear that you believe him, and you know it wasn't his fault.

But do take care of yourself as well. There needs to be some tough talking about boundaries and what you will and will not tolerate. But can I suggest something? Avoid ultimatums. If you give him a firm ultimatum and he slips, then either you walk for the sake of that slip, or you let it pass and he gets the idea you don't mean what you say. Not good for either of you.

A better approach might be something along the lines of: "I love you and I want us to stay together, but you have to understand that while I want to help you, you are in charge of your own recovery. If you do x, that would lead me to question whether you are dealing with things in a way that allows me to hope for the survival of our marriage."

I would also suggest that you get him to come here. It will do him a world of good. If you are both members, then you can both post on the Members' side. He will not be able to see what you post in the "Friends and Family" forum there, and you will not be able to see what he posts in "Male Survivors". Both of you would be able to continue to benefit from the site.

Much love,
Larry
 
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