Confused and Finally ready to resolved my issues

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Trigger Warnings

I was not clear where abuse began until I saw “Leaving Neverland”. I was 8 years old when I was first chromed as I now understand it. I am the middle child of 3 boys. When I was 6 my younger brother drowned a week prior to Christmas – my older brother and I tried to rescue him but to no avail. That’s another story. We moved a lot due to my father’s work as an electrical engineer. My parents were too distraught to remain in the place where my brother has passed, so we moved again to Cincinnati. As I found out 40 years later my mother confronted me with if I had pushed my younger brother – which I did not. I write this to indicate as to maybe that is why my father paid more attention to my older brother later on - but that’s just conjecture. I remember at 8 that my father was teaching my older brother baseball and felt I was still too young for his instruction that day. So, I wondered down the street where one of our neighbor boys, a teen, saw me and invited me into his house. I vaguely remember him wrestling with me and just being friendly. He had to go to work and had me watch him take a shower and invited me to take one with him. I did not but he had me watch him. I can’t bring to mind what else may have taken place after that as my childhood trauma became worse shortly after that. My father had a massive stroke and passed at 34. My mother moved us back to where her parents resided.

Now at 10 years old I came across another teen boy who I for some reason became curious about why or what he was taking other boys into the woods about. So stupid I went and that’s when more chroming took place. He taught me to masturbate with him and he had me rub and kiss his penis and body. He said that is what boys do and called it fooling around. Had us strip naked and rub together. He also said I must keep this a secret. I don’t know why I seemed to enjoy it and this went on for about a year until he got reported. Maybe I enjoyed the attention or friendship because I kept going back.

In College I had a frat brother befriend me and when I would drink too much he would get physically friendly and go to bed with me to sleep it off. One night he was aroused and tried to force me to give him a BJ. I refused as I did not want to do that. All I can say is there a victim tag on my back.

All in all this has affected my emotionally all my life and I wanted to keep it a secret to the grave. I still do not understand my orientation is as I fell in love with wonderful women and after 45 years of marriage she passed. I am now left with wanting to resolve who I am emotionally sexually etc... I don’t know as I have been a good actor all these years if that makes any sense. I have a daughter and a son and would never want them to go through what I am.

Well that’s it in short – hope it made sense from a disoriented, dyslexic, left handed mixed up old man wanting to be free.
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