Confused and conflicted . . .
I’m just realizing after 40 years how my abuse has manifested itself in my life and now I’m totally confused and may need help soon. I’m so conflicted it’s driving me crazy; I couldn’t sleep last night after getting so emotional that I cried for the first time after all these years. This was triggered after telling a co-worker my story after she revealed that she was also abused as a child. But my story was a little different, not in the sense of the abusers actions, but on how I initially felt and to an extent still do and how I dealt with it as an adult.
I’ve only told this story to maybe 2 or 3 people including my current wife. It started when I was 7 or 8 years old, we lived in a row house along with my older brother, sister and my two young brothers. As in most neighborhoods my parents were friends with the family next door. Our neighbors had two kids; one older daughter around 14 roughly my older brother’s age and a son my sister’s age. We use to play together since our houses shared a common backyard. The first time I remember is when we were playing in our parent’s car pretending we were going on a trip. My oldest brother was upfront driving and I sat in the backseat with the oldest sister, she was always protective of me and asks if wanted to hold her hand, which I agreed, after that she asks me did I want to feel something in which she placed my hand down her pants. Things progressed slowly, for instance her parents would go out and my mom would watch the sisters, just something simple as watching TV on the couch she always had to sit by me, often times either holding me and letting my head lay against her breast or if we had blankets over us slipping my hand between her legs in a very subtle way.
Over the summer we spent a lot time outside playing kick ball or hind-an-seek like normal kids. I remember the first time she took me into a neighbor’s garage and performed oral sex on me, I was scared and at the same time curious. Since it was obvious that she took a special liken to me and to the outside world it seemed that I was the little brother see never had. Once summer was over, I moved to a new school next to her HS. This is when my mom got this great idea that since she didn’t get off work early enough to pick me up should she could have her bring me home and watch me until my mom got home. This was the first time that she didn’t have to sneak since now I was in her total care. Soon after she would take me to her room and were she began to instruct me on how to give her oral sex.
The first time I thought it was disgusting but over time I came to not only enjoyed it but actual got total excited because it was what she liked and I just wanted to please her. I remember that when we actually got to the point of sexual intercourse, at first since I was so young, I could not hold an erection which frustrated her but after a while I guess my hormones took over and I was able to perform. On one of the final interactions we had I can vividly remember her saying if I cared about her I would ejaculate inside her and when I didn’t follow her instructions she would usually get visually upset and frustrated.
The last time I remember is the only time that I would potentially say or use the term violently sexual abused. My parents for some reason were having a big party and all her family were at my house. Somehow I remember playing with my other cousins and her sisters and she wanted me go her house to get something but I knew what that meant. For some reason I refused and she physically try to pull me into her house and I said no and started crying and the look on her face I think just then she realized what she was doing. A couple weeks later my family moved to a new house in another neighborhood and I transferred schools, so I guess that was a going away party now that I think about it.
Here’s my struggle, other than the last encounter, I could say for the most part I didn’t refuse or resist. She was very gentle, nice and even at times over protective. She would walk me to the store to get candy; if anybody would mess with me or teased me she would handle it. She was very attractive and popular and had a body of grown women, every boy in the neighborhood wanted to date her and even my older brother had the biggest crush on her. She was the only girl, until I was around 18 or a senior in high school that I actually talked with and or felt comfortable with other girls. In hind sight even though she was an abuser, I could say she was my best friend and I felt special when I was around her and even at the end she secretly refer to me as her boyfriend. As for the sexual interactions, while I was never comfortable or good with intercourse, I came to greatly enjoy performing oral sex on her. The feel, the smell and the taste of her body aroused me more than anything else and the gratification of pleasing her was my first experience with sexual pleasure. Even to this day, I know if I was just a few years older I would probably have had the major crush on her too. I’m not trying to justify anything; it’s hard to resolve this in my head. It would have been different if she was ugly, mean, beat me or god forbid it was a male; if this was the case I think I would have gotten over it and moved on.
Looking back now I can plainly see the emotional damage that it caused me starting in HS. I started to become popular and was a budding star athlete; I was a little reserved but outgoing with the cool kids in school. Since I made varsity football, wrestling and track team as underclassmen I was looked up to by my male peers. The problem was with girls; I could not talk to them and got physically traumatized if a girl attempted to show any interest in me.
The breaking point happen in my sophomore year, a girl that sat next to me liked me; she would try to talk to me or get my friends to pass me her number or some note. It got so bad that I was so physically scared of her that I had my parents request me to be moved from that class. The next day she approached me a ask me straight up what was my problem that she just really liked me a lot and thought I was nice and asked me out in front of the whole class. I broke down and cried right there like a baby, you would have thought, me standing at 6’6 230lbs, she was a bully instead of the 4’11 and 100lbs female and probably one of the most popular, nicest and prettiest girls in school that most of all of my friends would have died to date her at the time.
That was the most embarrassing moments of my life, I got sent to the office to see a counselor and they called my parent to the school. Even after an intense interrogation of what was the matter and the recommendation on getting some emotional help, I still could not related it to nor tell anybody what happen when I was younger. The aftermath of the incident for the next year or so I had to carry the sigma that I had a nervous breakdown or was crazy or maybe gay. After that I devoted all my time to athletics as an outlet and became an even a bigger sports star not only at the school but in the community with being recruited by top D1 programs and with their coaches visiting my school. So eventually everything blew over from that incident but I will never forget it!
I’m sure this caused other issues with my early interactions with females but in my senior year things started to get better and I actually had my first crush on a girl, now looking back she looked similar to her, but unfortunately she was the anti-jock type and hated my guts! But this shook me out of my shyness with girls and with that things seemed to resolve itself since now at least I could have a basic conversation with a girl and now I wanted to have a girlfriend and like a typical teenager and have sex.
Everything seemed normal after that, I went on to have other intimate relationships with other females, went to college, got married, got divorced, got remarried and have now have three kids. I would say that even though I had numerous platonic and sexual relationships and I’m currently in a happy marriage with my wife, I never felt a close connection with any female emotionally except for a girl I met in college who transferred right after we met.
Until now the only residual effects from the abuse that I noticed is that I rarely felt a deep emotional connection with a female partner including my wife whom I love and every sexual relationship I had was based around me getting pleasure from given oral sex with sometimes my partner knowing and sometimes not. Of all the women that I’ve felt a deep connection with, especially the one in college, we’ve never had sex with or even hugged or kissed. The watershed moment came last night when I was talking to a lady that I briefly meet and found out that she was also an abuse survivor and for some reason I shared my story with her.
In the middle of the night in reflecting on what happen I felt so conflicted, I know from what I have read it was abuse; but I can’t reconcile that most of it I enjoyed, she treated me so kindly and made me feel special. I can’t say it was abuse because even if I would have known what I know now about sexual abuse I don’t think I would have said something or rebutted her. Even to this day, I’ve only seen her once, when I was in my thirties. She was at a party back home, we both moved out of state by then, she was nice and cordial but she acted like she barley remembered me but remembered all my siblings. I wasn’t upset because since she was now married with kids I figured she wanted to forget about what happened. I can truly say at the time she was still an amazingly beautiful women that everyone was trying to hit on at the party and if given the chance I would jumped at the opportunity to sleep with her again at that time. I know she robbed me of something but even today thinking about it I feel conflicted and confused!
I’ve only told this story to maybe 2 or 3 people including my current wife. It started when I was 7 or 8 years old, we lived in a row house along with my older brother, sister and my two young brothers. As in most neighborhoods my parents were friends with the family next door. Our neighbors had two kids; one older daughter around 14 roughly my older brother’s age and a son my sister’s age. We use to play together since our houses shared a common backyard. The first time I remember is when we were playing in our parent’s car pretending we were going on a trip. My oldest brother was upfront driving and I sat in the backseat with the oldest sister, she was always protective of me and asks if wanted to hold her hand, which I agreed, after that she asks me did I want to feel something in which she placed my hand down her pants. Things progressed slowly, for instance her parents would go out and my mom would watch the sisters, just something simple as watching TV on the couch she always had to sit by me, often times either holding me and letting my head lay against her breast or if we had blankets over us slipping my hand between her legs in a very subtle way.
Over the summer we spent a lot time outside playing kick ball or hind-an-seek like normal kids. I remember the first time she took me into a neighbor’s garage and performed oral sex on me, I was scared and at the same time curious. Since it was obvious that she took a special liken to me and to the outside world it seemed that I was the little brother see never had. Once summer was over, I moved to a new school next to her HS. This is when my mom got this great idea that since she didn’t get off work early enough to pick me up should she could have her bring me home and watch me until my mom got home. This was the first time that she didn’t have to sneak since now I was in her total care. Soon after she would take me to her room and were she began to instruct me on how to give her oral sex.
The first time I thought it was disgusting but over time I came to not only enjoyed it but actual got total excited because it was what she liked and I just wanted to please her. I remember that when we actually got to the point of sexual intercourse, at first since I was so young, I could not hold an erection which frustrated her but after a while I guess my hormones took over and I was able to perform. On one of the final interactions we had I can vividly remember her saying if I cared about her I would ejaculate inside her and when I didn’t follow her instructions she would usually get visually upset and frustrated.
The last time I remember is the only time that I would potentially say or use the term violently sexual abused. My parents for some reason were having a big party and all her family were at my house. Somehow I remember playing with my other cousins and her sisters and she wanted me go her house to get something but I knew what that meant. For some reason I refused and she physically try to pull me into her house and I said no and started crying and the look on her face I think just then she realized what she was doing. A couple weeks later my family moved to a new house in another neighborhood and I transferred schools, so I guess that was a going away party now that I think about it.
Here’s my struggle, other than the last encounter, I could say for the most part I didn’t refuse or resist. She was very gentle, nice and even at times over protective. She would walk me to the store to get candy; if anybody would mess with me or teased me she would handle it. She was very attractive and popular and had a body of grown women, every boy in the neighborhood wanted to date her and even my older brother had the biggest crush on her. She was the only girl, until I was around 18 or a senior in high school that I actually talked with and or felt comfortable with other girls. In hind sight even though she was an abuser, I could say she was my best friend and I felt special when I was around her and even at the end she secretly refer to me as her boyfriend. As for the sexual interactions, while I was never comfortable or good with intercourse, I came to greatly enjoy performing oral sex on her. The feel, the smell and the taste of her body aroused me more than anything else and the gratification of pleasing her was my first experience with sexual pleasure. Even to this day, I know if I was just a few years older I would probably have had the major crush on her too. I’m not trying to justify anything; it’s hard to resolve this in my head. It would have been different if she was ugly, mean, beat me or god forbid it was a male; if this was the case I think I would have gotten over it and moved on.
Looking back now I can plainly see the emotional damage that it caused me starting in HS. I started to become popular and was a budding star athlete; I was a little reserved but outgoing with the cool kids in school. Since I made varsity football, wrestling and track team as underclassmen I was looked up to by my male peers. The problem was with girls; I could not talk to them and got physically traumatized if a girl attempted to show any interest in me.
The breaking point happen in my sophomore year, a girl that sat next to me liked me; she would try to talk to me or get my friends to pass me her number or some note. It got so bad that I was so physically scared of her that I had my parents request me to be moved from that class. The next day she approached me a ask me straight up what was my problem that she just really liked me a lot and thought I was nice and asked me out in front of the whole class. I broke down and cried right there like a baby, you would have thought, me standing at 6’6 230lbs, she was a bully instead of the 4’11 and 100lbs female and probably one of the most popular, nicest and prettiest girls in school that most of all of my friends would have died to date her at the time.
That was the most embarrassing moments of my life, I got sent to the office to see a counselor and they called my parent to the school. Even after an intense interrogation of what was the matter and the recommendation on getting some emotional help, I still could not related it to nor tell anybody what happen when I was younger. The aftermath of the incident for the next year or so I had to carry the sigma that I had a nervous breakdown or was crazy or maybe gay. After that I devoted all my time to athletics as an outlet and became an even a bigger sports star not only at the school but in the community with being recruited by top D1 programs and with their coaches visiting my school. So eventually everything blew over from that incident but I will never forget it!
I’m sure this caused other issues with my early interactions with females but in my senior year things started to get better and I actually had my first crush on a girl, now looking back she looked similar to her, but unfortunately she was the anti-jock type and hated my guts! But this shook me out of my shyness with girls and with that things seemed to resolve itself since now at least I could have a basic conversation with a girl and now I wanted to have a girlfriend and like a typical teenager and have sex.
Everything seemed normal after that, I went on to have other intimate relationships with other females, went to college, got married, got divorced, got remarried and have now have three kids. I would say that even though I had numerous platonic and sexual relationships and I’m currently in a happy marriage with my wife, I never felt a close connection with any female emotionally except for a girl I met in college who transferred right after we met.
Until now the only residual effects from the abuse that I noticed is that I rarely felt a deep emotional connection with a female partner including my wife whom I love and every sexual relationship I had was based around me getting pleasure from given oral sex with sometimes my partner knowing and sometimes not. Of all the women that I’ve felt a deep connection with, especially the one in college, we’ve never had sex with or even hugged or kissed. The watershed moment came last night when I was talking to a lady that I briefly meet and found out that she was also an abuse survivor and for some reason I shared my story with her.
In the middle of the night in reflecting on what happen I felt so conflicted, I know from what I have read it was abuse; but I can’t reconcile that most of it I enjoyed, she treated me so kindly and made me feel special. I can’t say it was abuse because even if I would have known what I know now about sexual abuse I don’t think I would have said something or rebutted her. Even to this day, I’ve only seen her once, when I was in my thirties. She was at a party back home, we both moved out of state by then, she was nice and cordial but she acted like she barley remembered me but remembered all my siblings. I wasn’t upset because since she was now married with kids I figured she wanted to forget about what happened. I can truly say at the time she was still an amazingly beautiful women that everyone was trying to hit on at the party and if given the chance I would jumped at the opportunity to sleep with her again at that time. I know she robbed me of something but even today thinking about it I feel conflicted and confused!
