Confused about thoughts

Confused about thoughts
O

onlyakid

Sometimes things trigger me into thoughts and feelings. The thoughts should be related to the abuse, there not. Example: I was eating pizza with my mother and my stepfather. That tiggered the memory of a time where I was eating pizza with my stepfather and one of his friends who I know fairly well. Well when I have pizza with my family, We get 2 pizzas so there is leftover for lunch. Well we only got 1 pizza between me, my stepfather and his friend. Anyway, I think I ate too many pieces because his friend gave me a dirty look and my stepfather explains that I'm used to ordering 2 pizzas instead of one.

So when I was triggered today by the pizza, I remembered that and then I felt awkward, I don't know how to discribe it.

There are also other times when I am triggered to remember this time my cousin (in-law) yelled at me for I don't remember what.

If I'm having these kinds of triggering memories, then shouldn't they be of the abuse?
 
Not necessarily.

I have triggers about my father. Not what he did to me (although sometimes the episodes do concern the abuse)

For example, the physical damage is minimal compared to the psychological damage. So alot of my trigger episodes are psychological in nature. Such as remembering the day trips to the beach rather than the rape in the bathroom.

Just feeling sand on my feet can be enough, and I LOVE the beach.

The smell of a certain cologne/aftershave.

A certain chain of roadside restaurants.

I certain chain of motels

All have given me bad memories involving my dad.

We are like a pale of water, we fill up with emotions because of whats happened to us, sometimes things can make the water spill over.

Not the best analogy I know, but I just wanted to let you know your not alone. Weird things set me off too.....
 
jtt5254,

I think we can be triggered by all kinds of things that may not SEEM to be directly related to the abuse. The link is there, though. We just don't perceive it.

In some cases the trigger may not be the item itself but some feeling associated with it. For example, in your pizza example you were made to feel unworthy and threatened when your stepfather's friend scowled at you. The memory of that feeling could easily be a trigger, since as a boy you probably also felt unworthy and threatened because of the abuse.

Hope this helps.

Much love,
Larry
 
jtt5254,
I think that these kind of triggers are normal. Even if it not dealing with the abuse. sometimes the same things happen to me. Like I'll be laying in bed looking at the celling and ill think back to when I was a kid making pictures out of the accoustic ceiling.
 
kniob,

You've hit on one of my triggers. My brother and I had bunk beds. I remember he had the bottom bunk, but there came a time when he got to have his own room and I got to use the bottom. I remember laying there looking up at the unpainted plywood of the underside of the top bunk. I'd make pictures of the grain in my head. I usually only did this when all the various abuse in my life got to be too much for me to deal with. I'd lay there crying and escape into ozone by concentrating on the shapes of that plywood.

Jtt5254 you are right. Even today, I hate looking at plywood. Too many triggers there and I start feeling uncomfortable and awkward. Sometimes it can be other things as innocent as a certain scent or a person's voice. The other day I was around a person and started feeling really agitated. I didn't make a connection till the next day when it dawned on me that this guy reminded me of my 4th grade teacher who was verbally abusive to me.

I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Sometimes I really hate it that things like that make me so uncomfortable at times. Most of the time tho, I just ignore the stuff and go on with my life. I don't know which is better.

Lots of love,

John
 
Brothers,

In recent months I have been trying to look at the various things that happen to me and cause me pain, fear, and trauma. I have been trying to "reinvent" them, perhaps, in ways that allow me to deal with them without freaking out.

One of my big projects is the area of triggers. What I am trying to do is to see triggers as a kind of Early Warning System set up by Little Larry, who had to work with very limited resources and was subject to a lot of hurt. When I get triggered, I try to think of this as a signal that something that Little Larry fears is hitting me now. I try to see it as a situation in which I should respect Little Larry's fear, but not necessarily participate in it.

Sometimes this strategy works, and sometimes, believe me, it's a colossal failure (sigh). But I continue nonetheless. I think that viewing triggers in this way is a contribution to my effort to be a strong parent to Little Larry, a parent who shows him that I can keep him safe even in the face of his fears.

Or, at least, I try. But I think Little Larry appreciates that as well.

Much love,
Larry
 
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