confronting your abuser?

confronting your abuser?
P

puppy

Registrant
i caught a bit of oprah today before work and it was about these two women who had been sexually abused as kids. they went to confront their abuser. it was pretty brutal and of course brought me back to somewhere i didnt want to be. but it got me wondering.

im not sure if anyone here has been able to or wanted to confront their abuser. the women on oprah said they needed closure. i started thinking about my situation and asking myself if that would bring me closure. i honestly have no idea. i guess it could either do me a lot of good or a lot of bad. i have seen my abuser a few times since 'it' all stopped. and mostly i just felt sick and afraid. i dont know if i could do it. i dont know if it is a good thing. i dont know. just thought maybe someone else would have thoughts on it.
 
Puppy,

I suppose that one big difference between your case and that of others here is that you are a younger survivor. Your experience is not so far back into the past as for many of us. I would not say that makes for more or less difficulty or pain, but it does seem to me to be a significant difference.

I often thought of trying to locate the man who harmed me, at least to see if he is still alive (that was more than four decades ago and I remember him as being an older man). But even the thought of that brought back so many overwhelming feelings of helplessness, fear and all the rest of it that I decided not to go down that road. Maybe I am just deluding myself, but I decided that the trauma of confronting him would probably not help me and could possibly be very harmful; I keep reminding myself that he would simply deny that anything had ever happened. My decision, rightly or wrongly I don't know yet, has been to concentrate on recovery; I figure I have lost so much already. You are dealing with things at a far younger age, however, so you may see things differently.

Just to stress one of SD's point, I would say make your healing your first priority and ask yourself what is good for you. What would you achieve and how would confrontation help your recovery? Would it help in your recovery? Or put it the other way around: how harmful would it be to get total denial as his answer?

Larry
 
Hello Puppy!

I have had to ask myself why at 50 years old I am finally dealing with the abuse that happened when I was a boy and a young man. Why didn't I put it all together in my mind back then? Why now?

And do you know what the answer is? They are either dead or so gone from my life that I have no way to confront them.

In other words: For me it was so important that I NOT confront my abusers, so important that I NOT get into a he said/he said deal with my family over my brother, that subconsciously I think I waited until my brother died, my parents died, and so on.

So my advice is to think carefully about the advice given. IMHO, the healing happens when you are ready and the healing is a separate thing from confronting the abuser. Plus, you don't need the abuser's permission or validation to heal.

Does that make sense?

Jasper
 
Puppy, I am 51 and dealing still with all the crap I put away in my mind for 40yrs, like a lot of these guys.
There is information on disclosure here,

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adult%20Survivors/Articles/singer3.htm

I would hate to have faces my perps in court and have had them deny it, and then get off with it.
As a kid, I thought that people would always believe an adult over a child, and there is nothing different I suppose today, after I just read the news.

My perps are probably still alive, and they will be pretty old by now, and maybe they never got caught, and maybe they still doing it.

It is hard when you have to walk past them, and know them for who they are, but keep yourself safe.

ste
 
*STRONG TRIGGERS: PERP THINKING PROCESSES AND HORRIBLE EXCUSES*

Puppy,

The best thing I think I can say is to encourage you to re-read what has already been said. It's good advice.

You're relatively new here, so you probably aren't familiar w/ my story. But I'm both a victim and a perp.

In therapy as an offender I've heard the whole range of things. Until you're sure that you're safe, please don't confront your abuser.

To help you decide whether or not you're ready think about what you might encounter. For confidentiality reasons I can't tell you specific things that I have heard. But I can tell you that I've listened to many, many perpetrators talk about their offending, as well as many victims.

The reaction you might get could be any of this wide range:
"What are you talking about? That's not how it happened." (Many perps will lie to make themselves feel better about what they've done, which is one reason why Offender Treatment uses polygraphs to force us to be completely honest.)
"I was drunk/tired/high and I don't know what you're talking about because I don't remember." (This is mostly BS. But even if this is true, they made the decisions to drink, or stay up, or get high, or whatever other excuse. It's still 100% NOT YOUR FAULT!!!)
"The way you acted/reacted I thought you were enjoying yourself. Now you feel bad so you're saying it's abuse."
(No amount of physical reaction makes abuse all right or not abuse. That's just your body being blind. Again, NOT YOUR FAULT. Often in situations like yours where there is a power difference, it takes a victim some time to realize how fully they were used.)
"If you really care/are loyal/suport your family/corps/unit/marriage you won't ever talk about that again."
(More "stinking thinking" as we call it in treatment, the distorted idea that the right thing to do is to let things go. That's very wrong. The right thing to do is to make sure that no one gets hurt any more, that perps get held accountable for what they've done, helped if they can, or locked away if they can't be helped so that NO ONE GETS HURT ANY MORE).

Those are the hard things you might here. But you may also hear things you might not expect.

Your abuser may cry and weep and tell you how sorry he is. (The question as a perp that I would ask is: Is the guy sorry enough to come forward and do whatever he can do to make sure everyone gets the help they need? If not, then they're just going through transitory guilt. That's part of an abuse cycle, not a sign of repentance or remorse).

Your abuser may tell you that it's all in the past and he doesn't do that any more. (Man... if you could just shake off the distorted thinking that leads to sex offending, I wouldn't be busting my butt in treatment every week trying to get better. The simple fact is that once we've done something, we will forever be capable of doing it again. Until your perp gets help or is put away, he's still a risk. "A Wolf is still a wolf even if it hasn't eaten your sheep."

An example I haven't seen, but an excellent one from Mike Lew's book "Victim's No Longer", a man tried to confront/reconcile with is father, and his father tried to SA him all over again. The father was so warped he thought the son's actions meant that he liked/enjoyed it (BS!!!) and wanted to do it again.

So... until you know what you want to get out of it, and you know that no matter WHAT reaction you get, you'll be safe and be ok... please reconsider.

But if you are going to be safe, and you have a support system in place, and you decide that it's something you need to do, well... More power to you.

Either way, you're brave and you're strong. It's brave and strong to admit our limits rather than pretend we don't have them and get ourselves or our buddies hurt.

It's just as brave and strong to face up to the ghosts of our past when we're ready.

Whichever decision is right for you, my biggest concern is that you don't beat yourself up over it.

Take some time. Write it down. See how what you've written looks like after a good night's sleep, or a week's worth of thought.

Anyway... I guess that's all I have to offer you today. I hope that you make the decision that's best for you.
 
I am not going to give you any advice because I think enough has already been given here. I am going to tell you my story of confronting my perp and family hoping that in shareing my situation it may help you.

I just confronted my family and my mother(perp) last week. My father's response was vey helpful in that he was willing to put himself in question. My brother and sister are removing them selves from the story. My mother is saying that she doesn't remember doing anything but that she is going to search her memory.

That is what they are doing but that is only one side of the equation. The other side is how I feel and react to them and thier reactions. I have been both postive and negative about what has happened. Some days I feel that I could not have expected anything more and other days like they are all full of s*&@. In total though I am happy I broke the silence.


For me the reason I broke the silence was that it was my family and I did not want to continue my relationships with them with all the secrets. Me confronting them was for me to liberate myself from the cycle of family secrets and denial. I have now done that and i have realized that it is only one aspect of the healing process.

That is my experiance with telling/confronting my family.

I lied. The only advice I will offer is to be clear with yourself why you want to confront your abuser and what you will get out of the confrontation.

Also, I had my wife and a T and this site to support me through this and with out that support it would have been much much harder.

Hope this was helpful

Jonathan
 
i totally appreciate it so much that you guys all shared your thoughts on this issue. i was up most of the night thinking about it. and reading what everyone wrote i guess made me think about it in the way that i needed to. i wasnt sure that it was something i wanted or needed to do at this point but after everythng you guys said i know its not the right thing to do for me.

all the possible bad outcomes that ranger mentioned really blew me away. i guess i knew those were possibilities. but the anger i felt reading that stuff made me realize i might not get the reaction i want. i probably wouldnt. and i know my reasons for even considering it were not the right reasons.

i think this is all so new and confusing for me right now. im just overwhelmed with all my thoughts and all the possiblities and so much hate and anger. what i really hoped to get out of it was just to vent and yell and tell him how much i hate him and make him feel like shit. whatever he could possibly say to me wont make a difference. i guess the biggest question is WHY. and theres no answer for that. anything he says wont take it all away. and nothing he says can put my life back together. i have to do that myself.

part of me really really wants for him to understand how this has affected me and ripped my life apart. i wonder all the time if he knows that. or if he cares. but i am not ready or strong enough to deal with whatever he might have to say. the last time i saw him i couldnt even look at him. i felt like a scared little kid and he was this big scary monster and as long as i didnt look at him everything would be ok. its like i fall right back into being this pathetic little victim. i dont like feeling that way. i dont like feeling weak and scred. i felt that my whole life and i still feel it and i want to work toward being stronger and getting rid of that negative crap.
 
Puppy - I was abused back in 1969 and it took me until last year to consider confronting my abuser. That was a hell of a long wait, but is something that I needed to do. I am doing it through legal channels (Crown Court case pending).

It is currently my word against his - he may well get off. As far as I am concerned the very fact that I am no longer letting him get away with it has given me much strength. I know it has worried him.

It is your decision, whether or not you confront your abuser - I wish you well whatever your choice.

Best wishes ..Rik
 
Puppy,

I don't know what your situation is with confronting your abuser however on my end I left a letter to my abuser to contact me so he knows where I live and I left my number so my abuser could call if he really cared about what he did years ago however,I never received not even a boo or a hi how are you now instead I spent a lot of time focusing on confronting and watching the phone to see if my abuser would call.

If I did confront my abuser right now in the state and frame of mind I am in I think we would talk but then it would be getting down to real business am I ready to go join other family members who have passed away before me including a younger brother.I hate putting it this way what ever happenes between my abuser and I happens however,I won't do anything stupid to get my six caught in a legal jam however right now I really am comptiplating joining those who have gone before me and maybe going with my abuser at the same time in my abusers words are you ready to go hit a bridge right now I am and if i pass i pass all the hurt and pain will be over and I won't have to continually live in pain and emotional hell.
 
Wow, guys, I have so much to say it's really hard to sort through it all.

***trigger warning since we're still talking about perp thinking about abuse and victims***

Puppy,

I'm very sorry that my feedback caused you painful reactions, but... I wanted you to hear it for pretend rather than hear it for real. I hope that whatever decision you've made is the right one for you. And like everyone has said, don't lock yourself into your decision. You may feel differently in the future, and you have every right to feel however you do.

I re-read your post a couple times. Perhaps there is a way for you to do what you want, to express yourself, to tell your abuser all the pain and anger he has caused in you, without opening yourself to a painful reply. Perhaps a third party could send the letter so that your whereabouts and things aren't safe until you feel ready to hear what your abuser has to say, if EVER. Perhaps that way you can get what you want, and you can be safe. If you don't trust a friend or neighbor, or if you feel that would put them in danger, then what would you think about a private investigator or a therapist?

Andrew... wow. That was very brave of you to decide to let your abuser know your whereabouts. I'm so very sorry that you've been hurt by his silence. I didn't have a long grooming process in my abuse, so I didn't have to find out that the people who hurt me were only pretending to care.

I don't know the right way to say this. But I have learned that some perps do care about their victims, but many or most do not. For a very long time I thought I was a freak 'cause I still care very much about my victim. But I was too sick and twisted before to realize the full extent of how my victim would be hurt by the abuse. I pray for the young man every day, that he's healing, that he's happy, that perhaps he will one day be able to forgive me the way that I've heard of.

But right now I wouldn't have the guts to talk to him. The thought makes me feel like I am being ripped in half, between wanting to try and beg for forgiveness, try and say how sorry I am, and wanting to tear myself in half to try and undo what I can't change, the things I've done in the past. So I would probably run away right now 'cause I'm too afraid of what might happen.

I guess I'm writing all of this to try and offer what little comfort I have.

Sometimes, a few of us do feel remorse, we do realize what we've done. Sometimes we do care about the people we hurt aside from the abuse, but when we hurt others, we forfeit the right to act on the good because of the bad, unless someone heroic like Andrew decides to invite us back in, or like a few others.

I guess I'm rambling, but Puppy, you MAY one day hear what you want to hear. You MAY hear the things that would make you feel better. But you may not. I don't know. I wish so very badly that I could take your perp's place and tell you the things that would help ease your heart. I would love to be able to show you tears of remorse. (I'm actually crying as I write this. I'm sorry. I get pretty emotional sometimes.) I would love to tell you that it wasn't your fault, that nothing you did made what happened to you your fault, or ok. I wish I could tell you that all of the guilt and the shame was my fault and not yours. I wish I could ask for your forgiveness, or ask you to tell me what I had to do, if anything, to give you peace.

Puppy, all of those things are true. And if it helps you to hear them from ANY perp, well... let me know. I will tell you as many ways and as many times as I possibly can. If you want someone to yell at, someone to be as angry as you need to be, you can do that. It won't hurt me, I promise. And if it helps, then, e-mail or PM me and vent to your hearts' content. Heck, anyone can do that if they're of age. If they need someone to curse and yell at.

Argh. I'm so scared writing this, 'cause I don't know a safe way to say it, but I can't just be silent if I know anything that could help you guys.

I don't know. I think I should shut up. I'm really sorry if I screwed up by writing this. I just... I couldn't say nothing.

Please, if I've angered or hurt any of you with this, I'm really sorry. Sometimes I don't post here because I'm afraid to say the wrong thing. I care too much to shut up sometimes, and I don't want to screw up either and say something wrong.

Argh.
 
Two points briefly:

Ranger, I don't think Puppy is reacting badly to what you told him. He needs to know these things and hear how others have reacted, coped, and so forth. He is acknowledging that.

Puppy, you have been posting a lot and much of it is sharing some very profound fears and negative feelings about yourself. But let me tell you how it looks to me and I think to others. You are showing a lot of courage and determination, and it is clear that you see how crucial it is to face things that have happened. Expressing all the negative feelings is a way of confronting them and taking control. I could go on and on, but let me just say that when people encourage you and say you will get through this, they aren't just being courteous. You really will win in the end, and it will all have been your own great achievement.

Larry
 
don't know the right way to say this. But I have learned that some perps do care about their victims, but many or most do not. For a very long time I thought I was a freak 'cause I still care very much about my victim. But I was too sick and twisted before to realize the full extent of how my victim would be hurt by the abuse. I pray for the young man every day, that he's healing, that he's happy, that perhaps he will one day be able to forgive me the way that I've heard of.
Click to expand...
Hello RangerJ19:

I am being triggered something fierce right now by the above. Please don't misunderstand. I am very glad you brought this all up. I think I needed to hear from someone who has the perspective of being both a survivor and a perp. So even though I am in full panic mode right now, and may have to hurry off the computer, I want to thank you very much for sharing. Like I said, I am being triggered but I still need to discuss this now.

Perhaps I will PM you and go into a little more detail if you don't mind. But there are a couple of things I need to say and I think I should say them publicly so that maybe they help Puppy and some of the other guys here.

First, because Puppy, I and a few others are relatively new members here, we may have missed some of your earlier posts where you went into greater detail about your situation. So in order to avoid making you retell the story (unless, you're comfortable with that) would you kindly point us to whatever post you think we need to see. I know I personally would need to know the circumstances of the abuse you caused before rushing to any snap judgements. Okay? Does that make sense?

Also, let me explain why I quoted the above section from your post. ON SOME LEVEL I THINK MOST OF US HERE HAVE A FORGIVENESS FANTASY. One of my perps was my own brother. And he was very sick mentally, so on some level I could fantasize about him forgiving me and me forgiving him and we would all hold hands and sing "Kumbaye, My Lord."

My brother is dead. A married man who molested me is also dead (so I found out recently much to my relief for the young men of my old hometown). And the other two perps--well, I don't know but I hope they are dead too!!!!

All the same, I think most guys here want a magic answer to the question, "Why?" Puppy it's only natural to want an answer to that queston--but you are right. There is no good answer! There never is. There never can be.

RangerJ19, please forgive this long-winded posting. What I am trying to say is that it is so hard for me, a total stranger, to hear you speak of your victim and speak of the prayers and kind thoughts you have for him. Not because I doubt your sincerity. But because on some level it's every survivor's fantasy, like I said. Don't we want all our abusers to hurt over us, to pray for us, to kick themselves every day? In the back of our minds, don't we all fantasize about that at some point in our healing journey?

The difference with you, of course, is that you are doing the hard work. Praying for him is a genuine act. And a good thing! But hearing about your victim even being in your head so much...I don't know how else to explain it. I just feel icky when you talk about him that way. And I just feel frightened that he might have a forgiveness fantasy too. Like me. Like maybe other guys here.

Am I making sense? Does anyone else know what I mean about this "forgiveness fantasy"?

Wow! I managed to stay here right through a panic attack and complete my thoughts! Pretty good, huh?

Take care,

Jasper

P.S. Maybe one of the guys here who is in a 12 step program can clue me in. Isn't there something in one of the steps about making amends? But only if it doesn't cause harm? I think this is exactly the kind of situation that may be meant by that. Anyone else agree?
 
I've done major confrontation and have had mixed results. When I was in the hospital the first time, I called my dad and talked to him about him beating me, how my mom used to hide me under my bed until my dad calmed down, how he scared me so bad I wet my pants and he wouldn't let me change before taking me to town. He said he only remembered hurting me one time. I think I got an apology, but I don't remember. That's how meaningful that was. He flipped back and forth, though. He later wrote me that his inability to be a good father was my fault. If I'd been a different boy, more like him, he could have been the father he should have been. Whatever.

Within the last couple of years I wrote and called my mom on several occasions. She says she didn't leave my abusive father because she loved him. Enough said. She refuses to talk to me about anything but the weather and all the wonderful things she's doing to help people.

A couple of years into therapy, I wrote the uncle who SA me a letter to confront him on what he did to me. He never responded, but he took the letter with him to his parents house for Christmas. He read the letter to them, discussed it in detail, and ripped apart everything I said to prove it never could have happened. For instance, I've got mental flashes of his face covered with facial hair. He told them he didn't have a mustache when he lived at my parents' house. That kind of garbage. Somehow, I don't think that's something I would have brought up at Christmas dinner, but obviously he needed some vindication of some sort.

I wrote him again last month. No response whatsoever, but my parents have disappeared off the map, so maybe I killed two birds with one stone. I don't know.

Confrontation did give me a sense that I wasn't the helpless child anymore, but that feeling is short-lived. My family is so neurotic that they quickly grab the reins again so they can remind me how powerless and incompatent I really am. So, No, I wouldn't say that any of the confrontations gave me a sense of closure. If anything, this last unanswered letter to my uncle has left an open window in my mind. I need to shut it, but now there's this nagging question--will today be the day I get a horrible letter from him? Will he ever respond?

I came to the conclusion that my confrontations were about trying to get the perps to somehow undo their damage. The fact is, that's not going to happen ever. If they were capable of showing empathy, love, concern, or true regret, I wouldn't be at this site looking for answers. They can't and won't ever fix it. It's coming to THAT conclusion that has given me some closure. I've stopped calling them, stopped writing them. I understand these kids who try to divorce their parents. It's that cutting ties completely with my family of emotional voids that has helped me feel better than I have in years.

I don't know if this helps. I said one time that if I'm the guiney pig, I wouldn't say my experiences in confrontation really recommend that approach. But everybody's different. Do what's best for you, and if you need to confront, do it for you, because I'm not sure you'll get much of anything from them.
 
Maybe is triggers:


I had four perpetrators. One is dead now. He was the only one who was not so bad as others. There is one, he is one who 'loan me out' to the other men, he is one I consider most as abuser, because he cause for me to be abused by the others also. I have confronted him. And I have forgiven him, and told him it.

When first I 'confront' him, was not of my choice. I was at competition, in Europe, and he had student there. He get at me in locker room, and try to be in control in situation again, try to scare me back to being child again, and try abuse me again. ALmost, I let it happen, and that only was last year, 7 or 8 months ago. But I did not let it happen. I surprise him and fight him back, with all that I have inside of me, to point he actualy have me taken by security to police, I think he is going to make charge on me for fighting him. He did not, I assume it is because he know what I can tell them. But even with seeing him at competing events since the abuse end, that is first time I think it is 'confrontation' of it. It trigger me much, it make me think again, that is all I am good for, and trigger me to even try kill myself. I am glad and grateful to a friend who get me to not do that and protect me of myself at that time.

But because of how I feel on it,and to take back control from him of how my mind works of it, and feel on him, few months ago when I see him, I tell him I forgive him what he do to me. Not to no one else, because I know he abused others also. And not as 'legal' forgiveness. But from me to him, I say, I feel sorry for you, you are a small sad person, and I am and will always be someone much better then you are. How can I have fear of that kind of person? So I say to him I forgive him, and will pray for him. He say nothing. I am glad he say nothing. Because nothing he can say is anything I want to hear. Nothing any abuser say is anything I want to hear. I forgive him for me, not for him. And it take back to me the power he had on my mind.

I have some kind of 'confront' of one other man,but that is not situation as this, and not one I want to talk of on public side of things.

Andrei
 
I will need 'confront' one soon, in court. Most abuse, to me, it is of parents, and of me to myself later. But this man, there was situation, and it was quite bad. I thank all who respond here, as we read these and see good advice, although there is somethings that do confuse me more. But I thank you. And I do hope, if it is you decide to confront this person, it is done with much thought and safety.

VN
 
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