Confronting the silence
It has been very hurtful and damaging to belong to a religion that absolutely, unequivocally says all sexual acts outside of marriage between man and woman to be sinful and wrong.
Made it really hard for me, being gay and being a member of the Baha'i Faith, which is the faith of my youth.
Even more damaging is that I was sexually abused by a man who held a position of respect and authority in the religion.
Being pronounced a sinner for being gay, then being molested by a man who was a father figure and a leader in that faith really messed me up.
I've been working pretty hard on trying to recover from the effects of the lies and deceptions that were perpertrated on me when I was a young boy.
For a long time, I was so ashamed of what was done to me, that I abandoned my religion. It was one more thing that the abuser took from me.
It was like a murder in my soul.
When I started to get some help with the problems stemming from the sexual abuse, one of the first things I thought was that perhaps someday I would be able to return to my faith. I had really missed it so much over the years; and had felt so guilty about being so weak as to give it up.
But as I got better, I did return. I've spent the last 7 years working in my faith community, being of service and trying to feel a part of. All the while, I kept both my homosexuality and the abuse a secret.
Finally, last year, the pressure of the conflict got so bad I couldn't go on. I thought about being dead all the time. I guess that's the only way out of the dilemna I could find.
Before anything happened to make that imaginary solution a reality, I decided to take a break from my participation in my religious community life.
That has been a really big help to my recovery.
Getting out of that atmosphere where I felt condemned and rejected gave me the strength I need to think about trying to disclose and confront the abuse.
Reporting the abusive situation to the authorities in the religion is something I've never been able to think about doing.
I feel bad, like a coward, for not speaking up. What about the other guys this man molested? Could I have spared them? Thank God, I'm finding some relief from that burden, especially here at MS.
I'm scared and worried about how it will end up. How it will affect me and my family. What people will think for pity's sake! How weird to find myself worrying about that after what I've been through.
I'm also afraid of being hurt again by being rejected and ostracized.
It's helped me a lot to separate out the abuse from my homosexuality.
The man who abused me was not gay--he was a pederast, someone who derives pleasure from the sexual oppression of younger, weaker victims.
That's not homosexual or heterosexual--that's evil.
My therapist says that on account of the developmental period of life in which I was sexually abused and the religious environment in which it occurred that there are special difficulties I'm going to face. Sort of like a special brand of hell was visited upon me.
It has made it very difficult to contemplate bringing this up in an outside forum, like my religion or my family.
I found a pretty good way to practice what it would be like to confront the abuse when I came across an anonymous website with a discussion board.
For the first time ever, I was able to feel safe enough in a Baha'i environment, using the language of my co-religionists, to confront the atmosphere of intolerance and denial that faces gay people in the Baha'i Faith.
I really let out a lot of anger, sadness, sorrow and grief that had built up over years and years of remaining silent. I ranted about the atmosphere of homophobia (fear of gay people) that is so prevalent in the community.
Pretty ironic since the main premise of the religion is tolerance of all people and all faiths.
I started to see also that it's one type of harm to be told that I am committing a sin.
It's infinitely more damaging to be told that I do not have the right to exist.
That I am a non-person, undeserving of any acknowledgement of my pain or sorrow or hopes or desires because my affectional preference is other men.
It doesn't look like many people visit this web site. It's fairly illicit in that there are not supposed to be any gay Baha'is. It might make the religion look bad.
But I tell you, just having the experience of talking out loud (writing actually) about the outrage I feel at the treatment of homosexuals in my faith was a really big breakthrough for me.
And I was able to feel safe when I was doing it.
And next, when I've settled down a little emotionally from this experience, I intend to go back and 'rehearse' on the website what it might feel like when I am able to confront the Baha'i Faith about the sexual abuse that occurred in the bosom of the community.
My therapist asked me if I thought it would have any healing effect to be able to do this.
After my experience on the anonymous web site, I was able to tell him 'Yes!'.
If any one else here is having the same type of problem imagining how to ever confront or disclose the sexual abuse, I would recommend trying a dress rehearsal in some kind of safe, anonymous forum.
Just wanted to let you know there's been a little progress here. And I never could imagine how this could ever come to pass.
I guess this place and you guys are bigger than my imagination. And that's pretty big!
Thanks to you, my brothers, for the way you help me feel better about myself,
Regards,
Made it really hard for me, being gay and being a member of the Baha'i Faith, which is the faith of my youth.
Even more damaging is that I was sexually abused by a man who held a position of respect and authority in the religion.
Being pronounced a sinner for being gay, then being molested by a man who was a father figure and a leader in that faith really messed me up.
I've been working pretty hard on trying to recover from the effects of the lies and deceptions that were perpertrated on me when I was a young boy.
For a long time, I was so ashamed of what was done to me, that I abandoned my religion. It was one more thing that the abuser took from me.
It was like a murder in my soul.
When I started to get some help with the problems stemming from the sexual abuse, one of the first things I thought was that perhaps someday I would be able to return to my faith. I had really missed it so much over the years; and had felt so guilty about being so weak as to give it up.
But as I got better, I did return. I've spent the last 7 years working in my faith community, being of service and trying to feel a part of. All the while, I kept both my homosexuality and the abuse a secret.
Finally, last year, the pressure of the conflict got so bad I couldn't go on. I thought about being dead all the time. I guess that's the only way out of the dilemna I could find.
Before anything happened to make that imaginary solution a reality, I decided to take a break from my participation in my religious community life.
That has been a really big help to my recovery.
Getting out of that atmosphere where I felt condemned and rejected gave me the strength I need to think about trying to disclose and confront the abuse.
Reporting the abusive situation to the authorities in the religion is something I've never been able to think about doing.
I feel bad, like a coward, for not speaking up. What about the other guys this man molested? Could I have spared them? Thank God, I'm finding some relief from that burden, especially here at MS.
I'm scared and worried about how it will end up. How it will affect me and my family. What people will think for pity's sake! How weird to find myself worrying about that after what I've been through.
I'm also afraid of being hurt again by being rejected and ostracized.
It's helped me a lot to separate out the abuse from my homosexuality.
The man who abused me was not gay--he was a pederast, someone who derives pleasure from the sexual oppression of younger, weaker victims.
That's not homosexual or heterosexual--that's evil.
My therapist says that on account of the developmental period of life in which I was sexually abused and the religious environment in which it occurred that there are special difficulties I'm going to face. Sort of like a special brand of hell was visited upon me.
It has made it very difficult to contemplate bringing this up in an outside forum, like my religion or my family.
I found a pretty good way to practice what it would be like to confront the abuse when I came across an anonymous website with a discussion board.
For the first time ever, I was able to feel safe enough in a Baha'i environment, using the language of my co-religionists, to confront the atmosphere of intolerance and denial that faces gay people in the Baha'i Faith.
I really let out a lot of anger, sadness, sorrow and grief that had built up over years and years of remaining silent. I ranted about the atmosphere of homophobia (fear of gay people) that is so prevalent in the community.
Pretty ironic since the main premise of the religion is tolerance of all people and all faiths.
I started to see also that it's one type of harm to be told that I am committing a sin.
It's infinitely more damaging to be told that I do not have the right to exist.
That I am a non-person, undeserving of any acknowledgement of my pain or sorrow or hopes or desires because my affectional preference is other men.
It doesn't look like many people visit this web site. It's fairly illicit in that there are not supposed to be any gay Baha'is. It might make the religion look bad.
But I tell you, just having the experience of talking out loud (writing actually) about the outrage I feel at the treatment of homosexuals in my faith was a really big breakthrough for me.
And I was able to feel safe when I was doing it.
And next, when I've settled down a little emotionally from this experience, I intend to go back and 'rehearse' on the website what it might feel like when I am able to confront the Baha'i Faith about the sexual abuse that occurred in the bosom of the community.
My therapist asked me if I thought it would have any healing effect to be able to do this.
After my experience on the anonymous web site, I was able to tell him 'Yes!'.
If any one else here is having the same type of problem imagining how to ever confront or disclose the sexual abuse, I would recommend trying a dress rehearsal in some kind of safe, anonymous forum.
Just wanted to let you know there's been a little progress here. And I never could imagine how this could ever come to pass.
I guess this place and you guys are bigger than my imagination. And that's pretty big!
Thanks to you, my brothers, for the way you help me feel better about myself,
Regards,
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