Confronting the Past with Community

Confronting the Past with Community
J

Josh1

Registrant
Having been away from New York for four months, I am returning for a week from South America. In addition to a job interview, there are two main reasons for this visit. I have set up a meeting with former classmates and parents to discuss the abuse that went undiscovered (in many ways, unlooked for) during my last two and a half years of high school. I am also meeting with the principal (who was not principal while I was a student) of the school.

Five years ago, I began discussing my experiences with my therapist. Over this time, I have disclosed to my parents and closest friends, I have asked myself so many questions, examined the destruction that the abuse wrought on my life, but I have not until now, until this upcoming meeting, brought what happened out into the community. At this meeting will be people who know something about what happened and people who are now just learning through the invitation. In addition to telling my story and opening up a forum for a conversation that is years overdue, a major topic is the fact that the perpetrator, although fired from my school, is now teaching at another. This is unacceptable to me. Nonetheless, I refuse to take the burden of this public danger solely upon my shoulders. The communitys absence from my life (despite certain flashing neon warning signs) played an enabling role in the abuse, and I believe it is the communitys responsibility to come together and protect my home citys youth.

As to the meeting with my principal, a main topic will be discussing how someone is still teaching at my high school who had complete knowledge of my abuse, assisted the perpetrator in maintaining secrecy, assisted the perpetrator in manipulating me, and made a pass at me. I also plan to start exploring how it could have gone undetected for so long, why the school never took steps to investigate what was going on. I also hope to explore the possibility of breaking down some of my phobias regarding the school and restoring my relationship, at least in some ways.

So thats the real world action stuff. I want to be careful not to over-emphasize focus on these two individual perps. Yes, I demand that they be held accountable, but I am whats important here. I have held these secrets for so many years, suffered to control what people could and could not know, and I have finally gotten to the point where I know that I deserve the support of my community. I am tired of the secrets. I hunger for honesty. So far I have been lucky enough to have my honesty responded to only with love and compassion, and I hope and believe this will continue in New York. Nonetheless, I am prepared for negative reactions as well. What is important is that people know, that I feel confidence in talking about my past, the bad and good.

This brings me to one of the underlying points of this post and the upcoming visit. I refuse to hold my silence any longer. A disclaimer: I am by no means recommending my course of action, and I have been reminded repeatedly by friends and two different professionals that the path I am following could be risky. That being said, the greatest victimizing force I felt both through the abuse itself and the aftermath was the compulsive, life-or-death need for silence. I suffered for years completely alone, passionately terrified of anyone finding out. And the community fell into the comfortable cocoon of ignorance and passivity. Yes, I am afraid of being ridiculed, not believed, talked about negatively behind my back, but I think I am finding that (a) these fears are not so well founded in the practical reality of New York thinking and (b) that these fearful feelings pale in comparison to pain suffered by people who are utterly alone (or at least feel that way) in dealing with their abuse. It is particularly important to me to let men (young and old) know that there is a light at the end of the pain. Good sex with a loving partner, self-confidence, passion, the ability to concentrate on important tasks, making and keeping friends are things that are all possible, even though it sometimes feels like existence is pure suffering. I just believe that people need to know that this shit happens to men, even the ones who seem so successful, that it can tear a life apart, but that it is not a death sentence: Recovery, particularly with the help of a professional, is possible, real, and wonderful. But when alls said and done, its just really nice to get a hug and hear the words, Im sorry.

With great love,

Josh
 
Josh all I can say is maybe 30 years ago when I was victimized maybe people would ridicule you. Attitudes are differnt now. People understand what courage it takes for a victim to come forward. They approach such claims with empathy and if they don't beleive you they were never gonna anyway so why worry about it. I hope you don't encounter any backlash from coming foward.A few days ago I was also worried about posting my experiences here and found that I was wrong for worrying about it . I was met with support and understanding and I think you will have the same experience too . Good Luck let us know how it goes. PJ
 
Josh,

I admire your courage in facing this thing head on. A word of caution if I may. Just be prepared for things to possibly go differently than you'd like them to. Hope for the best and plan for the worst, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

Having said that, I think you are doing a great thing. I wish you the best.

Lots of love,

John
 
Josh I am behind you 100%, it can be risky but it can also be super rewarding.

I went public back in 2002 in Hastings MN and most people where very understanding and suportive. The Archdioces had a meeting at the parish where my abuse happened.

I had a letter published in the local newspaper the week before the meeting. Had to sign it with my real name so then every one knew.You may use the letter if you care too. I will find the old post and bring it back up.

Thing may mover slower than you want but keep going forward. Best of luck. Tom
 
Josh,

All the best to you, but I will chime in with John here. If you are planning on doing something that could cause the two perps damage to income or public reputation, it would be a VERY good thing to speak to a lawyer first about the limits to what you should and should not say.

I urge caution here only because we have seen cases on the DB where a brother has had a go at a perp and then ended up in court or with restraining orders slapped on him. So the victim can be made out to be the bad guy unless you know the rules of the legal game and play accordingly.

Just a caveat. I wish you all the best.

Much love,
Larry
 
"Amen" was too quick, I think. When a story like this comes up, I always remember vividly hearing my parents in conversation (it was in the mid 50's when I was 9 or 10) about a grade school principal who had been caught molesting little boys in his office. My mother asked my father what would be done? My father said that, if the principal resigned quietly, nothing would be said about it or put on his resume. (My adult words...can't remember exactly how they put it, but that was the meaning implied.) And that was that. That's how it was handled and everyone agreed that that's the way it should have been handled, I guess. But even as a child it struck me as strange that nothing was done to the principal, although I asked no questions at the time. I guess everyone thought that the little boys wouldn't really be damaged in any way. I guess with that sort of logic, my father might not have thought he had particularly done much damage to me. Bobby
 
Thank you PJN, John, Tom, Larry, and Bobby for your encouragement and advice.

The lawyer advice is well-taken. The worst situation would be for one of them to try and turn the tables. My mom has consulted a lawyer, and I will tread with caution. According to the lawyer, one possible scenario is that the perp/s sue me for libel. There is part of me that does not want to engage with those shitheads on any level, including legal, but then there's part of me that says bring it on. Violence for me is never an option, regardless of the circumstances, and I would never permit anyone to do anything even nearing violent in my name. I will stay the route of patience and caution.

Tom, if you can find it, I would very much like to take a look at the post.

Bobby, thanks for sharing. I think you are pointing out an attitude of indifference that is so problematic. I am hoping that these are the first steps toward combatting the indifference that plagued my community.

Thank you all for the support. With only a week to go until the meeting, I am a little out of sorts. I am trying so hard to work, focus on important tasks, but my mind keeps wandering. My girlfriend's uncle gave me the fantastic advice just to stay with this process, recognize its importance in my life, give myself what I need to do it well. I'm trying.

Josh

Josh
 
Josh,

firstly, thanks for showing so much strength in one thing, breaking the silence.

If you have compelling evidence then go ahead, these two must be removed from working with kids asap.

When you open a can of worms like this, there are going to be a whole load of things come up that you were not expecting.

You must be prepared for the unknown to come out, just as many other boys who report go through.
You have all of out support 100%.

Please keep us all updated on the progress, it is high time that others broke the silence, before it breaks us.

It may be good to find an expert witness from a rape centre to attend with you for support.

ste
 
Josh - I just wish you strength on your journey, that's the best I can do at the moment!

best wishes ...Rik
 
Josh,

Have you seen Ken Singer's excellent article on Disclosure and Confrontation? Click on the "Survivors" in the row of icons at the top of this page, then "adult survivors", and the article is in the list you will see.

Much love,
Larry
 
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