Confronting my perp/sister


Hello, I've been on the road to recovery for a while now. I've told my parents, finally, about the abuse that I went through as a child by the hands of my older sister. I just have a few questions.

Well, to start off, I told my sister/perp that she wasn't goign to spend any time around my child especially unsupervised time and she flipped out. She told me that it's nice to know that I don't trust her with my child and she told me not to talk to her for a very long time.

This doesn't really hurt my feelings much but my parents especially my mother just wants everyone to get along. I could care less if my and my perp got along, I've faked it for so many years that I'd rather not anymore.

So my question is, why do people in recovery confront their perps?

The only thing i can think of is we're searching for an appoligy and an appoligy from her would be meaningless. the only thing I would want to know from her is who, if anyone, sexually abused her.

If she was sexually abused by someone in our family, someone that I know, then I would really need to know this so I can protect my child. But my sister/perp is not a nice person. As a child she'd blackmail me and play all sorts of domination/mind games.

So my fear is that when I confront her and tell her I want to know who did it to her, that she won't give that information up. Don'y sympathize with her and say, well maybe shes not that far along in the recovery process to feel comfortable sharing that information with you...She's still a sick fuck, plain and simple.

Also, in my recovery I need to somehow find the strength to appoligize to the people i abused after my abuse stopped, as a child. This will be really hard.

Should I appoligize face to face, or on the phone or whatever is most comfortable with me?

I want to let the people I abused know that i respect them now and that i know what I did was wrong and that I'm deeply sorry and plauged with regret. If that will actually do any good I don't know, but at least I'll know that I finally did right by them.

Well thanks for listening and any advice offered i would really appreciate. Take care.


It is not recomended that one confront their abuser alone. You may know this. I recomend you talk to a therapist and get prepared. here is a link to another thread about this where I posted my experience ignoring this advice;

Here is a link to information about disclosing and confrontation posted on this website.

Good Luck


Staff member
Confronting.. As I prepared to do it, by letter, forced me to make a stand that I was wronged and could not deny I was abused, then the actual doing it helped me feel empowered

Stay clear of moms wanting all to get along, that's complete homestyle denial.


who the hell cares about getting along with the perp. really i say forgive but never ever forget why even take the chance ? i would never leave my child with known offender it might as well be like dangling crack in front of a crack head and asking them not to fein .

i think it is GREAT you want to make it right with the ones you have hurt. i have had to do this also and it was not easy i did it face to face and it was hard and it was not like i thought it would go . it actually brought healing on both sides . good luck to you man i can say you are manning up big time facing your giants and you Must be commended for doing so . weather it turns out good or bad you must at least give yourself credit for trying to amend these things. good or bad if it does turn out bad than do not beat yourself up for it because everyone deals with stuff differently but keep your focus at least you did all you could do and you will not have to carry that burden any longer


New Registrant

I think I needed to confront to take back the control that was taken from me, but I think it's something you should discuss with a therapist first. When I went looking for my perp it turned out he had since died, so I went and made a complaint to the police instead which was the scariest thing I have ever done. I did it because I wanted it on record as my perp was clergy and his order shared some responsibility, but it was something I prepared for with my therapist.

BTW I don't blame you for not wanting her near your child, who would?
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