Confronting Fears

[PhoenixRising]

If you had asked me last year where I'd be at this time, I might have told you dead. Last April, my father died. A few weeks before (for no apparent reason) I had started to have an emotional breakdown. My father was old, but had not been sick,and so I attributed the difficulties to a new job I got after being underemployed for 2 years.

So last April, May and June, I hit a low. Deep depression. Lost weight. Didn't want to live. More so, didn't want to feel the pain.

My father had not only been abusive but also had a stroke when I was 3, and I felt in some way responsible..did I hate him so much at that time? Did I feel responsible because I was angry at him? Was I the sacrificed object so my mother could have affairs? I don't and probably won't ever know.

I was able to see him the day he died. Read to him the last few paragraphs of his favorite book and then talk with him about his childhood. He had never really left it. Maybe there was grace in that. When he died it was still all about him, his needs, his care, his childhood...that never changed. If there was a grace, it was that I could say goodbye with compassion.

I came back to my home. Crashed. But within that crash, I was also supported, and during a particularly hard day, I applied for a job and got it (this while employed at an incredibly dysfunctional place).

I started a new job in August. Basically a good job. Good community. Have been house sitting for a few years to save money, but because I live in such a depressed state in the midwest, mortgages are less than rent. Last month I bought a small house.

The demon fears are back. The questions and fears: Why are you single (and you will die alone), do I have a terminal disease? will I be able to pay the mortgage? Can I make the house nice? Old lines, old story. Deep fears of a little boy who took on more than he could handle in isolation (when I confronted my parents as an adult -an I didn't know what I know now- I was slowly shut down and I didn't have the coping skills to deal with that.

In the past, I secretly had sexual liaisons with men just to deal with anxiety. I ate sweets just to get a dose of dopamine. On the outside, I was holding it together, but I didn't trust anyone (including myself)

I want to change the story. I forget sometime my own history and compare to others. That just brings bitterness and resentment and they are big demons. I want connection. I don't want to feel isolated with these fears. I want to heal. I thought I had a number of years ago, but I hadn't really confronted the deep pain.

I selected my name years ago, but now I understand the meaning of the Phoenix. It builds a nest out of the past and lights itself on fire and out of the fire is reborn. Maybe I just have to be willing to step into the fire of my fears..

 

[SmartShadow]

Hi PhoenixRising,
I can relate to going through the death of your father. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer 4.5 years ago. I too was there with him in the end. Loosing your father is dificault enught but when it opens the door to all the unresolved trauma at the same time, well for me, all hell broke lose. My dad had a Jekyll and Hyde thing going on when I was growing up. A lot of drinking and could go from detached and distant to overly affectionate to violent in a flash. There was plenty of emotional, phycological and phisical abuse in my family of origin but sexual themes were relatively minor in comparison. My up bringing led to me being a peticular easy target for csa in my early to mid teens. Some how my dads death brought down my elaborate containment system. The fist three years were the hardest. I understand my self much better today and have a progressive plan to building myself up an taking control of my life. It sound to me like you are looking for a way forward. That's a good thing. Inspirational dissatisfaction with a dose of pragmatic realism. Maybe? If I could give you a page out of my play book it would be to say; take it slow, add one thing at a time that you think will make life better, and stay with it, stick the landing and make it yours. For me right now it's yoga. I found a good supportive instructor who teaches lots of meditative breathing and getting in touch with mind body and sole. It also creates an anchor each week and stretches my social skills. I resist the urge to share my trauma recovery story because then it would become about that. But when the time is right and I have the capacity, I will add the next component to make my life more meaningful. More hiking I think. Maybe build up to climb a mountain. Maybe a csa men's group at some point or a WOR. I think my dads death helped me realise how short life really is.
Take care and good luck!

 

[PhoenixRising]

Thanks Brother

Yoga has been a core part of my life as has the outdoors. I don't why I wasn't completely ready to take this on wholly before, I would jump in and out of dealing with the deep pain..

I do yoga and meditation, but you add one element. Though I 'stick" with it, I often sabotage my healing by jumping out..want to ignore it and be like people who weren't abused. It has been many years of understanding my own patterns and indeed that the fears were only fears, not naturally real, but that I let the torment me.

I may have been too eager to identify as sexually abused, rather than identifying as someone who wanted to learn how to trust and how to love..those are areas where others can help ...and you are right ..day to day...climb that mountain..a lot of false summits I suppose.

 

[SmartShadow]

i can sure relate. I jumped from one grand escape to the next and just found myself crashing and lost over and over. I really had to learn to cut my losses and simplify. One small change of the rutter, I though, can make a real difrence over time. I find with incremental, hard earned success, I have more capacity for the next step. I guess that's how a mountain is climbed after all. I some how was disconnected from the drastic difrence of achieving an idea in my mind and achieving and maintaining something in the real day to day. I was sabotaged by living in the unrealistic. But that how I learn to survive growing up. I suppose we are having to grow up all over again.

 

[PhoenixRising]

How has it been for you navigating relationships, particularly sexual ones?

 

[SmartShadow]

How has it been for you navigating relationships, particularly sexual ones?

Wow I am surprised at my reaction to this question. The question alone stirs up a lot of feelings. The short answer, after I get past my impulse to minimize and deflect; Rocky.

This may be a good question for others to give there experance if they are so inclined. I would be interested in hearing your answer as well.

I have been married for 30 years to the same woman. I have learned a lot and am still exponentially learning. But the truth is I have lived my life a sexual mess from csa at 14 and abusive violence from infancy. The torment I have gone through in navigating my sexuality is a bit like a Frankenstein movie. I am a gifted compartmentalizer with the ability to lock down the dampest stuff in a heart beat. That's how I have survived. Truth is I am not normal but I am really good at acting normal even when all hell is braking loose inside of me. I tend to keep my distant from people so as not to expose just how vonriable I am. My wife is a really good friend. She is also a terrible enemy at times. This is not an easy question for me because you have encapsulate sex in the context of a relationship. I have never realt thought about this before but I suppose I keep things pretty locked down around my sexuality almost to the point of sex being something I contend with, something that happens to me and in me but is not part of me or part of the relationship. Its like a car wreck sometimes. It's something you just get through. That's the best way I have to describe it. Part of me is flat out afraid of sex and people. So I count my blessings that I have a wife who alowes me to be me and wants to be with me. I am still learning how to be in a relationship, how to risk, set appropriate boundrys and stand up for myself and others in a honoring and respectfull way. The flip side of this is that part of me has been in an ongoing reaction to being sexually abused and wanting to reenact the abuse to make some kind of sense of it. The amount of strain this has caused on me, my wife and our relationship is off the charts. All this being true I have also learned that sex can be good and loving and safe and nurturing. The bond and connection that is made sexually is extreamy powerful. I suppose that's why sexual abuse is so damaging.

Don't know if I even answered your question. Let me know.

 

[PhoenixRising]

You answered it beautifully and honestly. I wish I could have been able to read such a response 20 years ago with understanding, but truth is I couldn't have. I feel sad when I think of how long it has taken me to feel. I wish I could go back to all the people I pushed away and tell them I am sorry. That I was afraid. That it terrified me to get close. I am working on apologizing to myself as well.

Me, I shut down early. I think because it was my father and I shared a room with two brothers, the oldest one molesting me, I learned my body was to be taken, and in that I could get some peace only if I shut down. I admit I liked the feeling when I did feel it.

I hit adolescence rather numbly. I had switched schools, my sister had attempted suicide and so, once again, I became good child. I had "dated" a girl in my old school but in the move I lot whatever shreds of self esteem I had.

When I had my first erection, I cried. It reminded me of my older brother's and I was afraid I would be an abuser. So sex was put of the question. I gained some support by living in communities (truth was I was trying to remake a family-problem was they would still grow up). I didn't date.

When I finally told my story to people, I made the mistake of confronting my parents. Bad move. Fortunately I had good friends, but truth was I was still looking for that man I cuddled with, as that was really the only affection I remember.
I started to explore sexuality but secretly, repeating my history. I was scared to tell anyone and so I engaged in mostly online but some off, random quick snips of sexual exploration. I was too scared to take it to ejaculation. After these events, I would be physically numb for days.

I started running from place to place and job to job thinking each new one would be the answer. I presented as quite together, but in truth anger was underneath and a deep self loathing. I wasn't listening to myself; instead I was pretending and blaming others when I just couldn't connect.

So sex, and sexuality has been extremely difficult. I had one short get together with a guy. First and only time someone has slept over. It felt good in some ways, though perhaps not sexually.

As I move once again, I am so afraid of being alone. My anxiety is off the charts. I tell myself that I am finally facing the deep fears that have blocked me. But is that even possible? Am I too old to actually love?

 

[LinEar]

I wish I could go back to all the people I pushed away and tell them I am sorry. That I was afraid. That it terrified me to get close. I am working on apologizing to myself as well.

This is me. That really hurts to realize, but I'm working on it.

 

[SmartShadow]

Phoenix,
I can really relate to the level of pain and fall out. I am sorry you are dealing with so much anxiety and fear. I think things will get better I really do. Time heals and the death of your farther was a bome shell. Take it slow and hold on to the incremental gain. Baby steeps. Love is a gift so is the ability to receive love. I find the more I love the most damaged parts of myself the more I can receive the love others want to give me. Even compleat strangers have love and compassion they can give each other. I think our compassion for others comes from the compassion we have found for ourself. Increase compassion towards self every chance you get. One last thing. I really admire how well you understand your story and are comfortable sharing it. I am just starting to get there and see how healthy it is be ok with the reality of my story.

Peace,

 

[DannyT]

Phoenix, I've been listening to Thich Nhat Hanh's book Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm. It's a great help for dealing with all kinds of fear, and listening to it in the car really soothes my heart.

https://www.amazon.ca/Fear-Essential-Wisdom-Getting-Through/dp/0062004735

Best wishes,

Danny

 

[PhoenixRising]

Thanks. I love his writings.

 

[DannyT]

Awesome. This book is by far one of his best.

 

[PhoenixRising]

I love Anthony DeMello's "The Way to Love" and "Awareness". He was a Jesuit born in India so his work has a nice East/West blend. He challenges in my perceptions.