confronting dead perps

confronting dead perps
R

roadrunner

Registrant
Even giving a title to this thread gives me the creeps. I know some guys have found ways to confront an abuser who died before the survivor could make any decision about confrontation, and several of our brothers here will be traveling to the place where two of them were abused as boys as a way of confronting the past. But confronting the dead perp himself? I'm not sure how that would go but I am thinking perhaps I want to do that.

My abuser died in 1994 and I know where he is buried: in cherished and hallowed honor in the churchyard of the beautiful old colonial-period church that we belonged to back then. It makes me mad to think that he was treated with that much respect, but he was a church elder and such and so forth, in addition to being a scout leader. That tore me to pieces and made it easier for me to believe all the lies he was telling me. He must be okay and telling me the truth: during the week I would get molested yet again, and then on Sunday there he is showing people to their seats and helping to collect the offering.

I will be back in the States later this month, and I am thinking of going to the church to have a look. I'm not sure what I want or what I would do if I went there. My sister has already offered to take me, so I would not be alone.

Has anyone else "confronted" a dead abuser? I know this is done and can be helpful, but I am finding it difficult to see how this would work. I don't think I would be triggered, I can just see me standing there feeling mad when I read whatever loving things are written on his headstone, and then turning around and going.

So I guess the problem is I keep thinking I want to go, but I can't figure out why.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry - I don't know if this helps, but I can tell you of my experiences.

I know that you are aware that I finally faced up to my abuser & he is currently awaiting sentence. I have found much peace from this situation.

I have finally obtained a map directing me to the grave of my friend that died in an accident when I was 15 - I am going there shortly. Again this is giving me peace.

I have also retraced my steps through the countryside where I was abused, several times over the last couple of years. I once took a friend with me. This again has given me much peace - it wasn't an evil place, it was the acts that were evil - the place itself is quite beautiful!

I don't know if this helps, but I also hope that you find the peace you are looking for!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Larry,
I don't know if you are a deeply spiritual man or not, I suspect you are. My first inkling would be to contact the pastor of the church yard he is buried in. I would explain your situation and ask him to accompany you to the grave site. Then with the pastor by your side, and acting as a witness, I would say what I had to say to your deceased perpetrator. Peace, Andrew
 
Wow,Larry confronting a dead perp that is another one that for some can help but for others it may just continue the after effects since the abuser was never confronted prior to their deceasing.Hate to admit what i would do but it would have to do with exuming the body and having some fun let the abuser take a piece of their own medicine from beyond the grave but that is just me and how i look at it now maybe a few years down the road that might change but if i had the chance i would try to confront the abuser prior to their death that way you know you did what you had to do but if not then get friends with a medical examiner that way you may be able to exume the body with a friends assistance then do what you would have to do.
 
I think you'll find closure with it Larry, because if you DON'T do it, I suspect that you will always wonder if you should. So, just do it.

You got me thinking about my perp, I haven't heard of him in 26 years. I have no idea if he's alive still. He would be in his late 50's now.
 
Larry,

last when I am at home, it is usual, I visited where my daughter lies. But also, now is first time, my father is there also. I visited to there, just to stand there and see his name, it, perhaps, tell to me he is honest not here no more? I do not say it right, but it was first time in my life I do not fear him. Still, not to understand him, but not fear him. Perhaps sometime, it will be peace also.

VN
 
I think the only point of release from the abuser dead or alive is Gratitude. That way you release yourself from the Karmic cycle of abuse.

Going after the abuse experiences or the abuser is missing the whole point, it is not the lighting that struck you, but the path it showed you ahead, in the darkess, is more important. It is what pushed me towards the light.
 
Larry,

I see Andrew already beat me to the idea, but I offer it anyhow since I've been traveling then visiting with my parents and just now got to this thread.

When I read your post I was thinking you should approach the minister, priest, whatever they call the spiritual leader of the congregation where he is burried and take him with you to the grave. That way there will be an "official" recognition of who and what that man really was, as well as recognition of the untold lives that were devastated.

On the other hand, considering the current climate regarding church sexual abuse scandals you may get pitched out of the church office on your ear.

If it were me however, I think I would still make the attempt.

I do think your idea of confronting a dead perp is one that has great potential in helping with your healing process. Write up what you would tell him to his face if you had the chance and read it over his grave. Or just adlib what it is you feel you want to say. Vent. Let it all out.

I see no reason why that couldn't be a very healing thing. People find healing all the time in visiting a loved ones grave. Why not in visiting a perps grave and just giving him hell?

Just one man's thoughts.

Lots of love,

John
 
Thanks for all the ideas and suggestions guys. I spoke with my mother last night and we talked for an hour and a half. She told me a lot about what she remembers, like the night I was brought home by my Scoutmaster after he caught the abuser with me. She said I was like a zombie - the Scoutmaster said he was worried about my asthma, but when she checked me I was trembling and distant and didn't want her to touch me, but no asthma.

She also said that even when I was in university and would come home for weekends and breaks, I would check under my bed and look in the closet at night and could not sleep with an open window, even on a hot summer evening. When she said that I recalled worrying if "he" was really gone and was I really safe now; if he came back what would I do.

The result of all this is that I decided that I will go to the churchyard when I am back in the States. My Dad won't be able to go - this will be too much for him. But my mother will go and perhaps my sister - "the Rock" :) . Little Larry will see that he really is gone and that there won't be disastrous consequences if he doesn't keep looking back and worrying how to protect himself and wondering if it's really all over.

I like the idea of talking to the church office first and asking for someone to show me the grave.

Thanks again for all your input.

Much love,
Larry
 
Morning Star,

No, I guess not. I am still just trying to process everything and gain a perspective on what happened. My T says the abuser was a sadist in addition to everything else, and to Little Larry that just makes things even scarier.

But I do see progress. A few years ago I would not have been comfortable walking through a dark room at night, and when I saw a closet (which figured in the abuser's games) I would still think hmmmm, what's really in there. Now neither of these things happen to me anymore - in fact your question is what brings that to my attention.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry, then I think your priority should be to heal those episodes, so that you can retrieve 'yourself' from there.

You are carrying those wounds in your heart, so once healed, you would be free, As always freedom is always in the mind. That way, the physical space it immaterial as long as what you went thru has been processed, healed, released and put to rest.
much love,
 
*Triggers*

I see your point, but right now the difficulty is that it's traumatic to even think of these things closely enough to deal with them. This guy was an expert destroyer of children and a master at humiliation and manipulation, and I just feel swamped with panic sometimes when I want to talk about things. The words just won't come, and though I do "know" he's gone I feel like it is still possible he might show up again. This is all Little Larry of course: I begin to tremble like I did back then and the images I conjure up are of me in the Scout cabin with him and bits of my uniform laying around. It's pretty rough I guess.

Much love,
Larry
 
I have to wonder whether the first perp is dead.
To my knowledge he never got caught.
I know that because my father would have killed him.

There was a whole load of guilt I carry for that one.

The second one who tried to groom me for years, openly filled his house with boys, and there were other men too.

I could not inform police because of the first incident.

I carry the guilt for that too.

He would only have been 10/15 years older than me, he must have got through many, but the public largely turned a blind eye then,

ste
 
Ste,

Try to remember that you were just a boy at the time. You didn't have then the resources to do what you now wish you had done. We so often forget how we just lived from one day to the next in an effort to keep going.

Much love,
Larry
 
That is why I feel it is essential to reach out to Little Larry and Little Ste or me, and tell him that he is safe now, and that is over, its ok.

Somewhere Little Larry still belieives that he is unsafe as he believes 'he' is still out there...because Little Larry continues to live in that time and space, where it IS unsafe unless he is rescued, unless you help him move out of it,

How? Each time you revisit the episode/s, ideally in a mediation, change it, fill it with light, imagine a different scenario and ask God to make it true.

That's all, and do it repeatedly till the time when you visit it next, you dont feel anything, but peace.

It is a journey, and worth every step of it.

As I see it now every trigger of our lives is an opportunity to seek that Little ste out, pick him up and tell him that he is safe, try this when you are feeling really vulnerable. That moment he is peeping out to see if someone is out there to help him this time.
 
Morning Star,

That's a great suggestion and I think you are absolutely right. Somehow the little guy has to be moved gently out of that dangerous space. I have never been much for meditation, but only for lack of knowledge about it.

Ste - have you tried meditation in this way?

Much love,
Larry
 
Ive got loads of meditation stuff, tons of it.
When I was using it, things were OK, but when I hit fragments of memory, that is what kicks it off.

I have to take small steps to deal with each memory as it surfaces.

Meditation does work.
The best ones are the sounds of nature for me.
I have most of what they did from rain forests, to thunder storms which is one of my favourites because he always felt safe in a storm.

Hearts of space are cool, music from every part of the globe by all the worlds greatest artistes,

ste
 
Larry,

I found out about 10 yrs ago that my perp was killed in an auto accident about 6 months after he raped me. All that time, almost 20 ys until I found out, I thought he was alive and perhaps continuing to molest other guys. It was such a relief when I found out he was dead. It was like he received justice for his actions, but who am I to dispence justice like that?

I know several of my perps are alive that molested me when I was younger. I could very easily look them up and confront them, but I don't. Why? Am I afraid? Am I ashamed? I don't know why, but I know I have no real desire to face them.

Honestly, I don't think I want to go back there. If I face them, then I am putting myself back into those compromising situations again. It doesn't matter that it is in my mind, nor does it matter to me that I would now be in control. I guess I have kept this stuff within me so long until I just want it to go away, and facing my perps isn't going to make it go away. I am more comfortable facing my past on my own and realizing that it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my shame, and that I have nothing to feel guilty nor inferior about. I am in control of myself now. They are in control of themselves, so whatever they are currently dealing with is their own problem.

I have wondered what I would do if they came to me and asked for forgiveness, although I highly doubt that will ever happen. Call me a wuss, but I would forgive them. At the same time, and I have no idea where my dead perp is buried, I have thought of going to his grave and perhaps "watering" the vegetation over his grave. Wow, forgiving perps on one hand and urinating on their graves on the other hand....such is the way Rich's mind works.

You have to do what is right for you. No one can tell you what you must do. You are in control of yourself now, and the only thing you must do is to take care of yourself, and work through these issues in whatever way works best for you.
 
Morning Star,

You said something up there in one of the posts that struck me right between the eyes.

As I see it now every trigger of our lives is an opportunity to seek that Little ______ out, pick him up and tell him that he is safe
Click to expand...
I think that's how I've always viewed triggers, but you've given life to my thoughts. Thank-you so much.

Lots of love,

John
 
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