confronting a flashback

[Brayton]

Surely, some of you have noticed my absence here. It is because I went on a sort of personal retreat.

Rarely have I had in recent years the opportunity to be so spiritually creative and in touch with my core self.

After I started remembering stuff several years ago, it was really hard to emotionally relax. I by no means have acheived that state as a long-lasting and continuing thing. In fact, I know that the last week was just a small sampling of it.

I suppose that I feel more in charge than before but, for me, progress of this kind is measured in fractions of degrees rather than giant steps.

I learned some useful things about the flashbacks I experience.

I am being deliberately vague here about the specifics of the flashback I am think of because they might trigger something in one of you.

I was able to be aware of the experience happening in a series of steps (though these all overlap and occur in a matter of minutes):

suddenly experiencing the 'visual' and feeling memories which were triggered by the flashback,

acknowledging my child part's discomfort and fear,

becoming aware that fear of an unsafe place was occurring,

strategizing ways of dealing with the situation (which included choosing to avoid the situation altogether),

adopting a strategy to confront the situation and allowing my child-part to find out about the 'monster in the closet,'

assuring him that he would not be alone, that my adult-part would be with him taking an active role (or, alternatively, allowing my child-part to choose a mildly disassociative state--adopting an emotional shield),

'fearlessly' confronting the threatening situation together--child and adult--(and with a real person--friend/partner--at my side),

discovering that the situation was not actually unsafe while still feeling okay with reasonable doubts about that that remained (reasonable because it is okay not to trust people entirely).

This has come after many long hours of therapy and work. I am feeling a little more in control each time I can be conciously aware in this way.

To be able to not only experience the flashbacks but also to know that the awful feelings that result are something that I experienced when I was a vulnerable and unprotected child is a step foward for me.

 

[chuck]

Thanks for sharing this information. This makes sense regarding flashbacks. I'll try this when this happens to me. Also I will share this with my T, when I see him this week.

 

[Lloydy]

Brayton
what a great idea, taking time out to deal with one aspect of our troubles in a calm and thoughtful way.

Our flashbacks are generally of the same thing ( individually ) or at least mine were. And although mine are fading away, I think that a concentrated blitz on them might have made some significant difference a few years ago.

One thing I would like to ask is, once you identified the trigger(s) did you provoke the flashbacks in an effort to get to the root of them ?

Dave

 

[survive75]

Hey Brett... missed you while you were away. So glad to hear about your progress. As always, similarities abound for me in reading your post.

Glad to hear you had a much needed retreat for yourself.

 

[Aden]

What are flashbacks? I don't think that I have ever forgotten anything important and so have never been suddenly returned to any lost memory.
But I do have lots of memories that pass thru my head from the abusive times. Is there a difference?

Aden

 

[Brayton]

To answer your question, Dave, I have mixed feelings about encouraging flashbacks, to revisit them after I've had them once.

Part of me wants to return for a number of reasons, I suppose:

Like picking at a scab, so to speak, a sort of compulsive behavior,

To conquer the pain in a way similar to how I conquered my fear of heights a number of years ago; I visited Yellowstone Park and stood at the very edge of one of those dizzying vantage points. I sort of dared my fear to take over, I challenged it, told it that I knew there was no true reason for it, that I could trust myself to be cautious, without fear,

and, I suppose to punish myself; it seems there is always that to some degree, as if I deserve to re-live the terror.

I think, too, that I want to see the faces! These are almost always missing in my flashbacks. I think that is because part of me does not want to know, senses that I cannot deal with that part of the truth.

It seems that there is a deeper, even more traumatic, swarm of memories. I certainly do not want to thrust myself into their nest and suffer their stings.

I fear that so far unknown trigger. Part of me feels that it will end in insanity, an emotional collapse, a loss.